I bet I hate competition more than you.

I think the reason I never excelled at sports when growing up is because I hated competing.  A pretty key aspect of sports, really.  I'd go to my swim meets, and choose the hardest event and come in last.  I'd swim a 500 in a whopping 11:45... when others were doing it in 6:30.  My dear ol' mom even kindly suggested "Elizabeth, don't you want to try another sport?"  Why, no!  No I do not!  I swam 500 meters and did not die and, dammit, when I came in dead last, everyone cheered more for me than the first!  Ok fine.  So maybe they were cheering because it was over but they cheered none-the-less.

Fast-forward to college, marriage, and 2 kids later.  I am a way better athlete now.  I run/go to the gym practically daily.  I've run miles and miles and pumped lots of iron, Arnold style.  I've kicked ass in boot camp.  I've out-crunched in Bosu.  I've side-crowed in yoga.  I mean seriously.  I made up for my 48-minute high school 5K's.  I've made up for being a junior on the JV soccer team.  Yeah, I said it.  So what?

But that's not the point.  I think, honestly, I've learned a lot from this supposed athleticism: it's more personal than team.  Seriously.  But more than that- it's not athleticism: it's the universal human experience.  I've always been afraid of competition.  Not because I'm not good at things.  I can run a pretty long and/or quick run.  I can do yoga all day.  I can do 50 push-ups in a row.  I can craft.  I can lead my neighborhood.  I can plan some killer events.  I can organize preschool functions.  (But enough about me.....).

It wasn't until I realized one solid fact that I have to hold on to and stand by in life: it's not about what others think.  As I ration it out, I was far more afraid of failure than competing.  If I just bit the bullet and succumbed to being last, it made it far less painful.  I had no expectations to meet- or miss.

Then I grew up.  And I realized it doesn't matter where I place.  Really, no one is watching me.  They are all focusing on themselves and how they can get ahead. AndI realized that the only person worth competing against was me.  I hate the pressure and anxiety of making someone else come in last just so I can come in first.  It honestly never has felt "right" to me.

Even so, people are going to walk all over you.  Believe me.  They are going to do what they can to get ahead, even if it means forgetting you even existed.  They are going to outrun, outsmart, outwit you. Not every time, but sometimes.  And you just have to be okay with it.  Through a couple of recent events, I've learned what I'm not going to do: I'm not going to place my need to win above my need to relate.  I'm not going to place more emphasis on getting ahead than getting it right.  And I'm certainly not going to let what others think of me- that I'm not qualified enough, don't have enough life experience, haven't done enough- define the reality of who I am.

I've taken my 48-minute 5K's and turned them into 26-minutes.  I've taken my inability to cut a straight line and embraced it as "art". I've taken having to grow up a bit more quickly than I would have liked and turned it into a thriving, community-driven, volunteer-badass, obstacle-clearing reality.  I just have to remember the only one I ever need to continue to be better than: myself.

Expectations

An odd time of night to write a blog, I know. Especially considering I am currently on an Etsy-listing frenzy. But I just can't get my day off my mind. I know everyone has bad days and it happens. But today could not go right for me and I felt it was mostly self-inflicted.

I won't get into specific details, but today was a day of missed expectations, mostly of those people had of me. I got up this morning, expecting to go to run at 6:30 and go to the gym at 9. Neither of those things happened, thanks to my little muffin who was up early and consequently napped early. And in a day filled with 24 hours, I found not 1 to use for the gym. Anyone who works out regularly knows what a pain in the ass it is to miss a day, especially when you're already geared up, sports bra and everything. I was hoping for a budget discussion/family meeting and, well, if you're married you know how fun that is. I might as well said "Hey Ryan, instead of coffee, why don't we sit and drink formaldehyde?"

And it just kept going down hill. There are days where I'm so jazzed to be around people that I make life-long friends at Trader Joe's. I'm not kidding. It happens. But then there are days that I want to close the blinds, lock the doors and forget the world exists. And it gets on my damn nerves. I hate to be so back and forth and seemingly inconsistent. That has been one of my biggest problems and annoyances about myself. I understand everyone is that way at times but I just feel so extreme about it. I either REALLY want to be around people or REALLY don't. There is no in between for me. The problem with this is that people in my life probably just don't know what to do.

I had a friend call with an emergency I neither had time nor energy to help with (though the desire was there), I had neighborhood kids come by asking to play games and pick tomatoes and I had no energy for that, my elderly next door neighbor called (for the millionth time this week) and I just had nothing to offer her and chose to ignore the call. Today was an "I swear if 1 more person calls I'm burning AT&T down" kind of days. I just couldn't do it. The kicker was when my grandmother called at 2:30 telling me she'd been waiting on me all day with tomato sandwiches and why didn't I just call to say I couldn't come. Damn my emotional energy or lack there-of.

Sometimes I allow people to put expectations on me: that I'm always available, that I'll always come to anyone's aide, that my house is open to visitors 24/7, that I'll come visit at anytime. And I put that expectation on myself and then some: I'll run at 6:30 and gym at 9, in spite of my 11 month old, I'll do a nutritional cleanse in spite of a pretty hefty love of carbs, I'll keep my house clean and my artistic endeavors caught up and I'll be there for anyone and everyone who may or may not need me and I'll have company for breakfast, lunch and dinner and I'll do it all with a smile.

As ideal as it may seem, that is all it is: ideal. As I'm finding out, I do not live in an "ideal" world, but a realistic one. Realistically, I am human. Realistically, I need a break. Realistically, I need rest. I cannot do it all and I cannot allow others to think that I am able to. It's a pride thing, I think, and not even meant to benefit the other person but my own ego. I want so badly to be dependable and level headed and peaceful and available... all the time. The problem is not the attributes I strive to attain but the absolutes I place behind them. "I will always be available." "I will always answer the phone." "I will always have my home open."

What I'm finding is that I'm just not intended to live that way. No one is. We need a break. We need some rest. We need to nap until 7pm (which is why I'm blogging at 2am, by the way). I can eat really well but dammit sometimes I need a chic-fa-la sandwich. The world of absolutes I've created for myself is not a productive one at all and is, in fact, quite miserable for both myself and those I've let go along with the Liz-delirium. I've got to make a change. I've got to stop pressuring myself. I've got to take a break and I've got to be okay with it and I've got to be assertive and assess my limitations. Thank God there are only 24 hours in a day because, in spite of my attempt to fill them all with fun-loving productivity, I would drive myself even crazier than I already am.

Here's to hoping and here's to change.

This mothering life

So my dear friend Jamie sent me this blog post this morning. She and I have been talking about money, work, children, marriage, households and our ties therein almost daily for over a year. I can hardly remember life before these things were an issue. If you don't read the blog, it's pretty much about being a wife, having babies, being broke, staying home, and trusting God. Honestly, I would rather just run away than think about ANY of those things in a positive light. And sometimes I do, to the detriment of everyone around me.

I cried when I read it. Why did I cry? I don't know. Maybe because I'm a terrible person. But that's a different story for a different day. I know it Proverbs 31 it says "She sees that her trading is profitable". I have thought about that verse and said "See? Women can work, heck, DO work in the Bible and it is not a bad thing." The 31 woman was wise, business-savvy and eager. I think the main thing to think about is exactly what that naptime mom said: You have to let your husband provide and you have to fulfill biblical roles (Liz Eagle). It is not whether or not you bring in income. Maybe you need to, maybe you don't. It's more about mindset. You have to trust your husband (Liz Eagle) to make the choices. Even if it sounds crazy, you have to CHOSE to do as he asks because he is, in fact, the leader. We talk about how they get to leave, they get to go, we get to stay, figure out childcare, do allllll the laundry, allllll the dishes, alllllll the sweeping, allllll the diaper changes no matter the time of day or night and all the responsibility inevitably falls on us.

But it kind of is our biblical role. Genesis 1-3 sets us up for it and if we want to live the way we SHOULD live, then we let go of all the things that we WANT and realize what we NEED and all we need is to trust God, and often trust him through our husbands. If we work or not, God put the children IN us, to hold and protect and arrange our lives around and just because they are in the "real world", that role does not go away. Not at 6am, 10am, 5pm, 2am. I should probably spend more time celebrating what I GET to do instead of what I HAVE to do.

This mothering life is not for the faint of heart. It is not all teething crackers and story time, like I thought it might be. Sometimes for me, it's a living nightmare. I can't seem to get anything cleaned up, cooked up, packed up, washed up, let alone get outside and play and run around with my kids. I HAVE to clean. I HAVE to rake. I HAVE to garden. I HAVE to sew. Have to, have to, have to. Let it go, Liz. Seriously. Enjoy it. Enjoy it in the good times, grow through the bad. Just grow. Just let it be positive. Let it be the way it was intended.

A few weeks ago, a person told me I was "self-righteous" in the things that I do. As I (a little too often and a little too annoyed) have thought on what she said, I cannot help but think how wrong that is. In fact, I feel it is quite the opposite. I am not righteous in any way. And sometimes, even complete strangers feel it. (Again, a different story, for a different day). I am a mess. Seriously. I don't know who this "self" of mine is and feel as thought I haven't for quite some time, but it certainly isn't anyone capable of being righteous in and of myself.

Being a wife, being a mother, and (if we're doing it correctly), being a human should make us forget about ourselves and dive in to remembering others. Remembering the little people that wake us up at all hours of the night. Remembering the husband who leaves to work, not because he WANTS to, but because it is his role in supplying his family with all the amazing things they're allowed. Remembering the husband who may feel pressured by the expectations not only of himself but that *gulp* we are putting on him but saying what we DON'T have or CAN'T do or how we WISH life was. It is our role to support. End of story. Help hold the family up. It would fall apart with out us and we can't fall apart in the process!

"She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come."

Satisfied

So, at the Free Store today, as I strolled in 7-10 minutes late with my kid, I caught some discussion about Jacob's relationship with God and Job's relationship with God. We had quite a few people sharing some struggles and others sharing goodness from God. It was quite to mix of characters this morning, let me tell you.

It was great to hear Paul bring up Job's sobering thought that "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away." Just this morning I had dialogued with God a bit about that thought. Everything is from God. The thought of things being given and/or taken away implies that we even have something-- gifts, and someone-- a giver. This Giver is the same yesterday, today, and forever, in spite of what has or has not been given or taken from us. It should be so apparent that our lives are more than what we posses at any given time.

But let's be realistic. Losing things sucks. Knowing God is beside us is nice and good, but that does not always make it feel better! One thing that always gets me is people talking about doing for others. "Do for others-- you'll feel better." "I always feel good when I help someone else." Well good for you. I feel good when I have 1 too many mimosas on a Sunday afternoon. What's your point here?

I was talking to my dad Sunday as we rode bikes around my neighborhood (I know. So damn cute.) about some of the random and ridiculously sized houses amidst so many other dilapidated ones. Dad said "I can tell you one thing, they're not building up more earth than they already had." In dad-world, that means "The earth was here way before we were and we cannot make there be more or less."

And how often times do I do that? I try to take control and fix when I feel I need more or overcompensate when I feel I need less. Who am I to say what I need? I mean, did I make me? God has given us this beautiful life and, whether he keeps giving or chooses to take, we must make an active choice to be satisfied, because really, what control do we have over it anyway?

American Glitter

What a day, what a day.

This morning, I went on a glorious walk through my neighborhood and the one adjoining. It was so beautiful. I had my little kiddos in the stroller (brought to you by craigslist, might I add) and just really took it all in. There's a bit of disconnect, though, from my neighborhood to the next. There, there are streets and streets of houses that tower over you, with their mod-art-deco styled porches and roofs with verandas and shiny new cars. The question was asked "What do these people do for a living and how can I get my husband on board?" It may have been half joking, but I wonder how serious the other half was.

I came home to a great conversation with my "trust-fund-friend" Devin. He comes from seriously a Porsche, 5-story-mansion, Clueless-esque pool family but I swear you would not know it. He borrowed his friend's mom's car to drive here from Lynchburg and dude seriously has the gnarliest neck beard I've ever seen. He had a lot to say for the "who has what" mentality. He said his parents always talked to and befriended anyone regardless of income level or car make. He said that growing up, they had so much money but no one ever knew because no one ever cared. But what stuck with me the most was his honesty. He said "I really just hate how we're just taught to buy all this stuff from cable tv to walmart. The last thing I bought myself was a pair of shoes. And I'll admit, sometimes I get that little 'American glitter' in my eye when I see something cool I want but then I think 'What's it going to really do for me? Do I even need it?' "

Remember my trip to Target the other night to buy chairs? Well, I almost spent $30 on a metal fold up table to go in between them. Somebody smack me. Seriously. I decided not to because I figured some thrift store somewhere would have them, anyway. And plus I'd broken the rule by even buying the damn chairs so I didn't want to get in deeper. While riding my bike tonight, well just what do you think I found? Why, a little ol' fold up table to go in between my sweetie pie chairs and it is currently outside, taking in it's fresh new coat of spray paint.

So here's how it all ties together: God will provide. Seriously. I know that's a stretch from those 3 paragraphs of seemingly separate thoughts. But with the houses, well, I gotta roof over my head. And the "American glitter" we get as our eyes gloss over when we see the newest cute dress in the window or a sweet new Mercedes or, hell, the new DIY magazine I wanted today at Food Lion. God is going to give us what we need and sometimes what we want. Did I need a table to go outside? No. But because of my faithfulness in not buying it (we won't talk about my lack thereof with the chairs. Oh, I already had a pair in the front yard and didn't need 2 more? Huh?), it was literally sitting on the side of the road, waiting on me. I honestly don't think God cared if I had a table or not. I think he just cared that I am aware that it all means nothing to him. He is so far beyond these "things" we spend our time with.

There's a story in the Bible where Jesus, when asked why he and his disciples don't pay taxes, catches a fish a pulls a coin out of it's mouth. Moral of the story? God is not limited to our system of exchange.

At yoga tonight, Ann walked us through frog pose.... for 5 minutes. If you know anything about this posture, you know it is seriously killer. The entire purpose of the pose is space. Space between your hips, your torso to the ground, your knees to your elbows... everything. As we stay in this posture, Ann begins to speak and says "Just when the pose starts to get difficult, that's when you know it's starting to work. You'll feel yourselves beginning to squirm, but just breath. With each breathe, focus on how far you've come and staying strong. It's about space. You can take it to your life outside these walls. The more you give up, the more space you have for things more important."

What are we holding on to? What will we just not let go of? What can we not give up? What is it that keep us frantically working towards more, more, more (only to find we enjoy it less, less, less)? If we can start letting go of things, including ideals of what will truly make us "happy", we can see how little we truly need but how blessed we are in having those things. We are more than what we own.

Perspective

Life is a lot bigger than we remember sometimes. Today was our last day studying Revelation at church. It has been fantastic. And concluding our 7-week study was amazing because it meant that we got to hear the end of the story, the part where we see what Jesus is really all about.

Dave brought up some of our "images" of Jesus, including his senior portrait. I mean, we can really create some Jesuses, can't we? There are so many seemingly different forms of Christianity to subscribe to. The truth is that we are the ones who have created these things. God is the same yesterday, today and forever, no matter how relavent or irrelevant we feel we are.

And we are just so blinded. Constantly, here in the great ol' US of A, all we see is limited! We see a few brands of cell phones, tvs, cars and heck, seeds! We are coerced in what to eat, wear, drink, drive. I mean, there are only 2 legit brands of soda. WE ARE SO LIMITED. We just do not see the big picture. We rush rush rush to buy buy buy. Jamie gave me a great book called "First Time Mom" and in the book, it talks about parents working not to get by but just to accumulate more possessions! Unbelievable. Ryan brought up a bumper sticker today that says "You aren't what you possess" but we really just think that's the end of it!

We are so blind. So, so, so blind.

And we do it to ourselves. We allow ourselves to give in to advertising propaganda, the systems of the world and our own insecurities! And at what cost? Or to what benefit? So you got some more shit. Big deal. And then what? In a few years, months or weeks you throw it out just to buy something else? Really? And that's what you're working for? Hell, it's what I'm working for?

Come on! We are more than this! We have meaning! We have worth! And it has NOTHING to do with this money that WE created! I mean, so you make $120,00 a year. Ok. So you make $12,00 a year. Is one more important? Or me. I stay home with kids. I have NO money to my own name. Where does that leave me? Jesus tells us that in the end, he will reward us for what we have done. Well. I wonder how great this reward will be when we find that all we've spent our lives doing is trying to spend more money.

Let. It. Go.

Move on! Pick up a new system of doing things! We are better than this. We are more than this! Could I be on a bigger soap box or yell any louder? We have got to change the way we think. Not to be a cheeseball but the things that matter are FREE. The Spirit tells us "Whoever is thirsty, let him come; and whoever wishes, let him take the free gift of the water of life." (Revelation 22:17)

I don't know about you, but I'm fucking thirsty.

My big commitment: Halfway there

I am just not very good at this! Perhaps I underestimated how incredibly time consuming it would be for this mother-of-2 to blog daily. I'll just blame it on the kids. They're too young to refute the blame just yet.

So day 16. This has been a long month for me. It has really been one of a lot of spiritual darkness fighting a blinding light. I will again be very honest with you. As we have come to realize, people don't love to talk about money. It's super personal. So, prepare to go there with me.

We got our tax return back. No kidding that it's the root of my problem. Ryan and I decided this year not to do anything big with it and to just keep it in the bank account. This is a big issue with me. Money just burns a little ol' hole in my pocket. So lining it up with not buying anything has been a challenge. And here's my honesty.

I really just enjoy a paycheck-to-paycheck life. There is no challenge for me there. If I don't have money, I don't spend it. Easy enough. We don't do credit cards. (Not because we wouldn't but because our credit sucks.) We normally do the Dave-Ramsey-envelope-thing and call it a day. When the "random" envelope is empty, it's empty. Hence the appeal of thrift shopping. But what happens to my do-gooder-don't-waste attitude when I have a pocket full of money and some time to kill? You fill in the blank.

Money may not change everyone but it certainly changes me. I always prayed that God would not give us money until we were responsible enough to handle it wisely. It is probably not ironic that this is the time he chose for me to not to buy things. I'm all well and good with self-control when there's nothing to control. But as soon as I'm given an option, I generally fold in under the pressure.

Jamie and I went to Target tonight. I needed patio chairs. Sue me. I'm sitting in one right now. As we went from section to section, gazing at all the things we HAD to have, she said something along the lines of me acting like shopping is my crack. Well.

I HATE the thought of shopping... when I have no currency with which to shop. I hate the thought of the Wal-Marts and Old Navys of the world sucking people in and convincing them they need so much pointless shit. It's easy to hate things that are inaccessible. I feel like such a hypocrite. I just hate money. I hate having it. I hate not having it. It is an ever-present thought in my mind. I really do obsess about it. We actually got our tax return mid-March. So I've been obsessing over it for quite some time now.

I am almost embarrassed to write all this but I felt I had to be honest with you. For those who see me at the Free Store, I feel like I owe it to you. I'm glad there are no expectations because if there were, I would have missed the mark completely. I did not realize that this was a legit struggle for me. I honestly thought it would just be some cute thing we did as a "fight the power" campaign. The only power I'm needing to fight is my insatiable hunger to possess.

Alright. Now that I emotionally vomited all over you yesterday, I can speak a bit more easily today. I have really just been so excited to write this blog today, which is a grave contrast from the past few days. I'm not sure where to begin or how to tie it all together, but let's just hop on down the rabbit trail of my stream of consciousness.

(Keep in mind I warned you of the blatant honesty of this blog. If I hurt your feelings: sorry.)

Let me tell you something Ryan said. I can do this because I know he probably will not be reading this. He hears me talk ALLLLLL day long. Do you really think he wants to get online and see what I have to say? Doubtful, bless his heart. Anyway, the other night Ryan and I got in to a rather heated discussion about the free store. (reference yesterday's blog concerning the hostility of our week) To his credit, he may have been playing more Devil's Advocate than anything. But his comment was a long the lines of this: "Something about the whole concept of a Free Store bothers me. I'm willing to give to people in need. Anyone. But those people don't have need. I see people come through there in a leather coat, picking up another leather coat and putting it on on top of their leather coat. In America, there is no reason for anyone to be homeless. There is government housing, shelters, churches, etc. Would I sit a shot down in front of an alcoholic and say 'here. Drink up.'? No. So why would I encourage this cycle of a false sense of need within these people?"

Well boy if that didn't ruin date night.

I was mad. I mean seriously mad. Like "get the bill I'm leaving" mad. I couldn't talk. Didn't want to talk. I felt betrayed. I mean, I spend a lot of my time, if I'm not at the Free Store, thinking about the Free Store and praying for the Free Store and planning events for the Free Store and so, by the way, you think it's all dumb? Really?

Ok, Liz. Take a deep breath because that wasn't the point, nor was that close to his point.

The point is our urgency to own. Everyone's urgency. At the Free Store (how many times can I say Free Store? It's almost like a Boondock Saints drinking game) we used to have a policy of a 4-items-per-person-per-day. Great idea. That gives us some control! Well, Paul decided that was not working for a few reasons. If it's free, you can't steal, therefore, by principle, you cannot be limited. Also, sometimes we've got a lot of crap and need more room to put a lot more crap. So clean it out! Take it! But I think the biggest reason was the Free Store's (go on. down another shot) philosophy is "Give what you want, take what you need". It's the need aspect that bothered Ryan so much. And when I got to thinking about it, it really started to bother me, too.

So today, I almost walked into the Free Store disgusted. I was looking around at who all would probably nonchalantly ask me for money, like I have any, who would eat all the cookies and stuff some in their purse for later, and who would take all the time up in Bible Study talking about themselves. Good thing I sat in the back because I feel I even looked to part of annoyed.

As our friend Gary was speaking, I began to ask God for compassion. And a lot of it. Jesus always saw people with compassion, no matter the circumstance. I felt I was in need of that today. And God gave it to me. Before I left, I was able to have an amazing conversation with a woman and dear friend who's husband had just passed. God slowed me down enough to listen to her. I was then able to have a conversation with another person (who happened to be one whom I'd tried to avoid, truth be told) about very intense difficulties growing up and how he's affected now. If that's not God working, I don't know what is.

On the way home, I tried to piece it all together (which I had to do in a hurry because I only live 10 blocks away). Ryan brought up some valid points. Whether it's free or not, we're still enabling people to consume (which is where my comment came from yesterday). But what people do with a free gift is between them and God. I just have to be willing to give.

If you have a problem with people taking, it's probably because you are holding something back. I realized today that I have grown to do that. The idea of the Free Store appears romantic. It appears countercultural, which I'm all about. It seems like, as a woman once described it, "an anarchy store". But as you get down and dirty, you realize that it's a family. And that is not always pretty. The more I got involved, the more I kept my distance from close relationships with people. Again, I didn't want to be taken advantage of.

The Free Store is a relational space that exists to give things away, only so people will show up. It's true. People are looking for a handout and buddy we're givin' it. But that's not the point. We want people to show up so we can get to know them. When you start being able to give materially, you eventually are able to give emotionally, and often times more than you thought possible.

So maybe we are enabling. Maybe we are feeding an addiction. But who are we to say what people need? God has called us to give out of the abundance he has given us. If that involves our possessions, so be it. If it involves conversation or a listening ear, great. We have GOT to learn to be consumed not with the things we can see, but the things we can't see. And sometimes it takes getting down and dirty with others. But mostly, within ourselves.

"Freely you have received, freely give."

*Note: Ryan and I have since gotten over our argument, hugged, and have gone to the zoo. We are, currently, on speaking terms.*

This Journey I'm On

I think I'm about 4-ish days behind on the adventure in anti-consumerism. I have not been 100% at blogging because I have felt HORRIBLY for the past few days. Sinus gunk and allergies on top of still-not-sleeping 7-month-old make for a TERRIBLE recovery. But alas, tonight, I feel better, both kids are sleeping and I got a chocolate milk and some cookies. I'm ready to blog, my friends.

So, now that we've gotten through the pretty introduction I can be real with you: This has really sucked. Even now as I'm writing, I almost wish I weren't and can think of a ton of other things I could/should be doing. But I know I need to share my experiences and be true to all the jazz that's been going on.

I feel like I had no idea what I was getting myself into. It is incredibly emotionally draining to sit down daily and think through all the choices you are making and your motivations involved. Mindfulness is not a simple task. It is not a faint-hearted task. As I have previously discovered and stated, I've learned that this is not about "consumerism" and "sticking it to the man" like me and my anti-establishment self intended it to be. No, instead it has been a spiritual journey, like God and his patient and thoughtful self intended it to be.

I never prayed about this. I jumped straight in. March 31st I thought "Crap. Paul and I talked about this. I better put something on facebook so I look productive." So this, plus a few other things, is what I quickly came up with. (Emphasis on the I.) I continued for a few days to ignore God and what he was saying. And that's about when the battle began. It started with me figuring out that I have been fighting the wrong battles and that I'm my own white horse and distraction. Last Sunday, I sang whole-heartedly and prayerfully the song "Fire fall down", boldly asking God to do just that. The premis of the song being a prayer, asking God to send fire to refine us, as gold is refined, all the impurities burned away.

I clearly have a lot of those.

This past week has been hell. Seriously. I never get sick. And I'm not sure how these things work exactly, but I'm pretty sure it's in some way spiritual. I.am.just.sick. In general. In emotion. In spirit. Today is the first day I've felt "normal" since then. I'll not air my dirty laundry, but Ryan and I have had a pretty crappy week. I've not had energy or drive to parent. I haven't wanted to leave the house. It's just been hard.

My issue with consumerism is that I want to consume everything that is around me. Ryan works daily at 3. So I want to consume all the time we have up until that point. We have money in the bank, I want to consume it all until there is none left. We have cookies or (my favorite) coffee cake in the house and I want to consume it all at once. (Seriously. I do that.)

I have a hard time living in excess so I excessively try to take in everything. My time, my relationships, my resources. I spend all that I have: time, money, energy. I run until I

run dry. This is just not what God has for me. He intended my for much more than this.

I'm learning a lot about myself. A lot that I would, in fact, have been okay with not knowing. But that is the beauty of following God and learning that we have to give everything to him. He wants to consume us. It is not about what we consume, how we consume or if we enable others to consume. It's about our lives, our wants, our relationships, our health, our needs being consumed by God. When he is all-consuming to us, we realize how little we truly need to consume.

Is it May yet?

Eek! I forgot to post AGAIN today! My current purchasing history:

I worried about Easter because Lord knows he won't accept you at communion unless your kids've gots some shiny new digs Easter Sunday. Solution? AMAZING matching (get this) sailor outfits from Kid to Kid consignment on Park Road. My main reason in going was to get "new" pajamas for Adalai's pajama party this Saturday. AND I'll have you know, everything I've purchased for this party has been secondhand. (Except the food, of course. I may be frowned upon for that.)

And a side note: while leaving the park today, I saw a billboard that said "SAVE THE DATE! May 21, 2011. End of the world. wecanknow.org." At which, I laughed. Because, really? But it DID serve as a reminder that there is no reason to horde up junk. We can't take it with us. Our good friend from the Free Store quotes his grandmother in saying "I never saw a hearse pulling a U-Haul."

Anywhy, I think I actually may have a LOT to say tonight but I have so much to do to prep for said party. (I mean the pajama party. Not the apocalypse.)

Only to stay true to my word, I'm blogging today. Didn't buy anything. Didn't care to. But I did have a really good class of chocolate milk just now. And I'm going to bed. Because I'm sick.

And no, Paul Fisher. I'm not really sick because I can't buy anything. Sheesh. :)

Day Five

Ok, follow me here. I'm not sure what this has to do with consumerism, but I think there is a general theme. (Again, I may or may not look like a jerk after you read this. So if you want to keep liking me, assuming that you already do, catch me back tomorrow and forget this post ever existed.)

Three similari-ish things have happened to me in the course of a few days. I had a hard time putting it all together until my sweet friend Lisa and I had a little talk.

1-I found a killer empty spot at the balcony at Amos' on Sunday night. Some (super rude and old) guy comes up and asks me if he can have his spot back. I promptly tell him no and explain to him just why I would not move. We had, in fact, paid the same ticket price for the general admission show and, considering this is not 3rd grade and he did not "call the balcony", I chose to stay right where I was, nestled up to said rude man for 2-ish hours.

2-In our lease agreement, we are not responsible for our yard until our landlord provides us with a building for our lawn equipment. Our yard is currently a disaster. Long story short, I can't pin down a time with her when someone will come here to clean this disaster up so my children can play in our back yard (which is, in fact, included in our rent). Oh, and I paid some kid $40 to do it and he never showed back up. (Stupidstupidstupid!)

3-An unnamed individual has an unpaid bill from over a year ago in MY name, which is now in collections, which I received in the mail Monday and said individual REFUSES to answer any type of correspondence. The list goes on with this person but I will stop at that for my emotions' sake.

Oh wait. I mean 4.

4-Last Thursday, Ryan called as he was taking Thing 1 to preschool and asked if I'd recently gone through my glove box. I said "no". He then asked if I'd left my passenger door open the night previous. I said "no". Oh. So. You mean that as I'm crafting to my little heart's content and hanging out with my kids as my husband works, some a-hole is going through my car in an attempt to take things from me? Really? REALLY? (No, mom, I know you are reading this. I do not live in a bad neighborhood)

I have been stewing like pot roast about all of these issues. I've felt lately like I am just tired of being taken advantage of and being walked all over. I mean , I do a lot. I raise kids. I do stuff for the community. I keep a pretty stellar house. I do not deserve any of this stuff to be happening to me! It is irritating and gets on my nerves! But after the first few things happened, I began to realize that it probably wasn't by accident.

As I talked it out with Lisa, I began to see that these things had one thing in common: money. "I PAID the same amount of a ticket." "I PAY rent and deserve a good yard to show for it (especially because it's in the lease)." "I OWE money because of some inconsiderate guy we tried to help out." "A guy went through my stuff looking, probably, for MONEY to steal."(He found none, mind you.) And fancy that. All with this anti-consumerism deal going on.

I'm continuing to grow into this process and see where I'm headed. These issues with money seem to have a lot to do with trust and communication. I've felt betrayed in some cases and disrespected in others. But this is not about the things I can see. This goes beyond that to something far less tangible and much more difficult to grasp.

I don't trust God to take care of my needs. I say I do. I "let go and let God", if you will. But when it comes to things like this, I'm holdin' on for dear life. I'm gonna get what I'm entitled to, end of story. You will respect me. You will give me what you say you will. You will pay me the money you owe me. You will get your hands off my stuff.

But God doesn't always work that way. It is up to me to choose. I can act out of love or fear. I can chose to let God be in control of all these people whom I feel have wronged me to some degree or I can completely wear myself out trying to take control of it all. I have times in my life where I will verbatim think "I am just really out of control right now." Maybe if I would let God have the role of control in my life, like I say I let Him, then I would feel this way far less frequently.

I have to trust I'm being taught something through all this. I have to trust God is in control of what's happening. Growing up, my mom and dad used to tell me "Let so-n-so take care of so-n-so, you take care of you." I did not realize how much of a theme this would be in my life. I am not responsible for other people's decisions but I am responsible for my response to it.

So on day 5 of this conscious effort to find a new relationship with money, I'm finding that my relationship with God needs to grow in the area of trust. I need to rid myself of the burden of trying to get everything in line and in order: monetarily or otherwise. Only 25 more days to go, but I feel this is a lifelong journey.

update

I don't have a lot to say today, so I'll just update because i said I would.

Day 4.
Slept most of the day. It's amazing how few things you need when you sleep the day away.
This honestly gets easier as the days go by.

I underestimated my greed and neediness. I thought I'd grown beyond this but maybe it was just on the surface. I'm glad (or really hate) to be able to get to the bottom of this.

Maybe something more interesting will happen tomorrow!

My White Horse

Day 3.

It's Sunday and it's a darn good thing. I headed off to church today, to learn a bit more about what Dave had to say about Revelation. We worked through chapters 6-8 and it was a bit more than I anticipated. I've really been enjoying this book and was excited to learn some more this morning.

Chapter 6 begins by talking about a White Horse. Now to be honest, I always thought this White Horse meant Jesus. (Go read it. I don't have the emotional energy to get into it right now). But we went with the assumption that this White Horse means a deceiver, someone posing as Jesus.

We continued on through 3 chapters, total, yet I was fixated on the first 2 verses we discussed.

I'm deceived.

I live in a world of deception.

I have been SO mad this whole time at consumerism. At our culture. At American Society. What I'm learning is that that is not the problem: I am. I got to thinking about all the things I wanted. What I mostly wanted was some clothes. Maybe a new dress or a pair of jeans or something. (Follow me here). A nice new outfit to cover the nakedness I would be without it. The point being I am not okay with being stripped down to only me.

I want to run out and grab a new outfit, just to feel good about myself. Had too much to eat this weekend? Grab a new shirt. You'll feel better. Feeling like you haven't lost all your baby weight? Grab a new pair of jeans. You'll feel better.

This consumerism thing. The thing I'm fighting. It's not about anybody else. It's about me. I'm my own white horse. I'm deceiving myself into thinking I'm not good enough. What's worse is that I'm convincing myself that buying things will make me feel better. Will make me appear better.

So that's where I am today. Beginning to see (though I think I already knew) that at this point, consumerism isn't the problem: it's my response to it. I give it. I buy into the "you need it" philosophy of life. Until I get beyond that, nothing in my life will change. I need to learn to be okay with me and stop covering it with a new outfit or a new possession. I'm more than that and my purpose goes beyond it.

It seems this consumerism idea is consuming me.

Will Rogers and His Famous Alarm Clock

"It seems kind of funny with everyone being advised to spend and the government spending everything, it seems kind of funny to save a little daylight nowadays."-Will Rogers, 1935, speaking of daylight savings time.

I'm on Day 2 of my journey. And it's simultaneously becoming both simpler and more complex. In February when I chose not to buy anything new, I hadn't told anyone. Plus I kind of had Consumer-Christmas hangover, so I was ready for a change. Now, 2 months later after having traveled the high road of spending, I'm finding it hard to come down from the self-induced high spending can produce. I spent my day today trying to figure out, once again, what I could go buy. While at Value Village last night, I picked up a set of curtains from Ikea that were around 4 bucks. I, oddly enough, got buyers remorse and put them back. I quickly recanted and rushed back today to get them, only to find them gone! *Gasp*

Can you believe it? Somebody bought my damn curtains. Honestly, I heaved a sigh of relief. I felt as thought I'd unintentionally been relieved the burden of owning yet another unnecessary item. I felt like an addict. Like I'd taken my sobriety one day at a time "just for today" and left it at that so that "just for today" I could go back and own something else. In a house of fabric, I obsessed over those curtains. I talked about them to friends. I drove across town to buy them. I felt the intensity as I rushed to the back of the store to see if they were, in fact, where I'd left them the night previous.

They weren't.

I'm beginning to see my problem here. Delayed gratification is not a reality in my world. New or old, I just want it. $4 or $40, I just want it. I can justify anything and I mean ANYTHING. I NEEDED those cloth napkins I bought last night (no mention of the 20ish I already own for my family of 4). I NEEDED another glass juice container in spite of the 2 I already own (no mention of the container juice actually comes in).

Madonna and her cone boobs were right. We really are living in a material world, at least as far as our attitudes and perspectives are concerned. Philosophers said it centuries ago. Jesus, too. The more you have, the more you realize you want, no, need.

There is a lot of wisdom in Will Roger's 1930's comedy concerning human nature and spending. Our government tells us to spend. "The recession is over", they say. "Go out and spend!" Advertisers tell us how much better our lives will be when we buy the shit they have for sell. Our friends and family advise us "Oh, you deserve it. You work hard. Go buy it!" We tell ourselves "I'll save next month..."

But who is really benefitting here? It seems to me we're just ending up tucked away in our suburbs and subdivisions, storing things away, to prove to ourselves and others that we're good enough to own things. Where is our worth? Where do we find our gratification? When will we learn to wait? Or even more- to do without?

I'm hoping I can learn to do the latter. Until tomorrow...

"Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want to impress people they don't like."-- Will Rogers

April Fool.

Let me tell you how I think. Or at least how I've learned to think or have been conditioned to think: I want stuff. Now. "Don't care how, I want it now." Good ol' Veruca Salt complex. And we all know how she ended up- a bad egg.

I woke up this morning thinking about all I wanted. Seriously. I did. I don't know where this is coming from. Maybe because I said I wouldn't buy anything. Maybe because I really am, in fact, just that greedy. The things I determined I HAD to have today were:

-iPhone

-Easter dress for my kid (seriously?)

-frames for various things in my house

-outdoor/patio table

-canopy for back yard

-more Charlie Brown stuff for Wilek's birthday party (I know it's 5 months away)

And that was just today. I am proud to say, though, that I went ALMOST all day without spending money. I'm kind of ticked, though, that that is an accomplishment and more-so that I did not even fully accomplish anything. I bought no food, no gas, no coffee (though my sweet friend Lisa treated me to a cup anyway). I really had to think this through, though. I cannot tell you how contingent my days are on spending money. I just do not really know how to go a day without doing it.

I almost made it the whole day when, at 8:45 on the way home from KM, I decided to feed my addiction and stop at Value Village. I know it's all old, so technically I'm keeping my resolution. And I only spent $8.45, which is clearly not a fortune. But I came to my problem. It's not about the money; it's the motivation.

What is driving me? I just couldn't keep myself from it. I thought of all the things they may just have that I may just need that may just be cheap enough for me to maybe use later. I mean, it WAS within my deal and it WAS inexpensive and I CAN put what i got to good use. See the desperation? It is kind of sickening. It wasn't that I went out and bought a ton. It was the fact that I was not content enough to go one full day buying nothing at all.

And that was my experience for today. I honestly am beginning to believe that the next 29 days are going to be more than I bargained for. To be continued...

Consumerism and all that it entails.

Let me just candidly tell you about my past 2 months. I know people don't LOVE to talk about money, the same way they don't LOVE to talk about their weight. So, I'll get into at least one of these taboo subjects in the next few paragraphs or so.

The month of February was a type of social experiment for me. I chose to go the entire month and buy absolutely nothing new. If I needed anything and Value Village or Salvation Army didn't have it, I just went without until it showed up on the shelves. It was amazing, actually. Like a treasure hunt. It made what I owned all that much more valuable. As we all know, the 28 days of February went by very quickly.

I had chosen to take this route because of my involvement with the Free Store here in Charlotte. I see people come through each week, with such a sense of urgency. They have next-to-nothing yet someone has instilled in them (and in us all) that we NEED something. Anything. Just get it. Grab it. As fast as you can before it gets gone and then you'll do without. I understand basic needs (such as socks/underwear, warm coats, food, etc...) but became bombarded with the thought of our NEED for so much more.

In addition to seeing this urgency in people's eyes, I also began to see things being stripped of their value- and I say this as a positive change. Banana Republic and Janie & Jack clothing laying on a shelf next to Faded Glory all for the same price: nothing. What's the big deal? Someone spent $45+ on each item, got tired of it or decided it wasn't stylish enough, and threw it out. So my thought was: why bother buying anything at all? I mean, what do we really NEED?

I'm ashamed to say, however, that as March has come and gone, I have found myself back in the pit of consumerism and maybe even more-so than before. I have been to Wal-Mart (a place I'd been once in the past 3 years), Ikea 4 times (and currently have a car-full of crap from there) and have had my hand at Target and *gasp* Concord Mills. It almost feels disgusting. And to be honest, I felt like an addict. I rushed in, grabbed what I could, and couldn't wait to come home and put it all in a closet. There. I did it. I own some shit now. Cute shit. Good shit. If I want to, I can go look at it. I can try it on. I can hold it up to a mirror and smile at myself. I can carry a bag and play whatever part it is I've given myself. I did it. I gave in.

So those are 2 very contrasting months. I have to say that my March Madness made me feel much more "in need" than my February ever did. Buying nothing new, I felt free. I felt able to spend more time and effort on what matters. I was resourceful. I produced less household waste.

Oddly enough, all day I've had Madonna's "Material Girl" in my head. As catchy as the ol' dig is, I really believe I became just that. In philosophy, we're taught that in the Materialism school-of-thought that "what you see is all there is. If it is not in material form, it does not exist." And I spent the better part of a month chasing only that which I could see. And I am disgusted with myself.

God tells us with good reason "You can't serve God and money." And you can't. You only have emotional energy to be consumed with one or the other. They cannot coincide.

We're working through "Anti-Consumerism April" starting tomorrow. And I know it's not "the man's" fault that I bought all the crap that I did. And I know it goes beyond buying and into being. That is the journey I'm hoping to take this month. In 2 months, I've gone from 1 extreme to the other (to the extent that my mother asked if my husband got a raise. No, mother, I just got greedy). I'd like to take this month to become grounded again in life's TRUE necessities. Feel free to journey with me.

To be healed...

So this morning I caught the tail-end of the conversation at the Free Store. Our friend, Gary, was sharing about a man he knew who was a "serpentine" (or something along those lines. Please keep in mind I came in at the end :)...) The story's summary is that the guy worked with snakes and would systematically inject himself with small amounts of venom in enough increments to where he had developed immunities to the multiple types of snakes he worked with. A while after this, an individual he knew was bitten by a snake and had no anti-venom nor a way to combat his wound. The guy flies to his friend was and is allowed somehow to have his blood injected into his friend, thus healing him and saving his life.

That's some pretty powerful blood.

As we continue talking, our friend Paul, begins to speak on how frequently we pray for miracles, not realizing we're sitting on one everyday. He speaks of a book that takes pages and pages to describe the complex process of the healing process your body goes through when you, for instance, knick yourself while shaving. The blood rushes to the wound, and immediately goes to work to, in essence, heal itself.

That's some pretty powerful blood.

Now, praying for healing is a dangerous thing, much like praying for patience. You pray for patience, you get trying situations. You pray for healing, and, well, you get wounded. We often don't see our miraculous emotional and spiritual healings until we are first hurt and wounded.

So, for me, lately I've been feeling "off". Like something just wasn't right. There had been a lot of bitterness and anger in some aspects of my life. I courageously began to pray for healing, understanding it was an often painful process. Through this prayer, I found myself back in 8th grade, (a scary time for everyone), to an situation I had all but forgotten about.

Sometimes, I realized, things happen to us that inadvertently shape who we will become. We have no control over it. I realized I had let one lie control everything I had become. As I prayed through this healing, I realized the growth could not have come without the pain. The healing could not have come without the acceptance.

As Gary shared of the man with the anti-venom blood's healing ability for his friend, we learn how we can be this for others. The man injected himself with venom little by little, which was painful and uncomfortable. As time went on, the doses became stronger. He also thought it was solely for himself- to allow himself to combat a potential attack. What he found, instead, was that this blood of his was not only good for himself and his own healing, but for others suffering the same types of attacks.

So our wounds and our healings are not just for us. Paul also mentioned that as we are looking for these miracles, we forget that we have the power within us to heal. God has given it to us. This blood flows through our veins. If he is our healer, and he is in us, we are never alone and are never without our Great Physician (both spiritually and physically). You kind of come to accept that there is a greater purpose behing everything, you just have to be willing to let yourself go there.

*Dedicated to my Best Friend/life partner Jamie Smith, who heals me more than she knows*

Who decided Kids can't talk?

Right at this moment, I'm sitting in my Dollar General special chairs my sweet mom got me, barefooted in the front yard, reading Better Homes and Gardens. Go ahead and tell me I'm cute. I know.

We are fortunate to live across the street from a charming elementary school with well-behaved children and a sweet staff. As soon as I came outside, so did about 4 classrooms full of kids, to sit on the steps directly across from my yard. I'm assuming they're waiting on a field trip bus. They came out noisily and full of energy. One of the teacher began raising her voice (and I will assume she did so only to speak over the children to give her the benefit of the doubt) and tell a certain louder child or 2 (to whom I can absolutely relate. Thus is the story of my life.) to sit quietly on the steps. She said "I'm not telling you over and over again. We're not going to do this again. Be quiet." And ever since, they've all been sitting there in silence. All 60 or so of 'em.

I say let the little boogers talk. Heck, let 'em scream. They do have outside voices for a reason! When did we stop letting children behave childishly? (Ignore Victorian era). I've been battling to homeschool or not to homeschool. To Montessori or not to Montessori.

I'd be quite upset if someone yelled at my little booger to "Be quiet. We're not doing this again." just because she was exercising her God-given personality alongside her peers. I understand a time and place for everything, but in a group of 60 of your peers, outside on a gorgeous day, getting ready for a field trip, I'd be beside myself! I, as an adult, could not keep quiet!

I'd like to say that's the kicker. Little Adalai is stayin' home! No Bev-Perdue-consumer-driven-government-mandated-education for my kids! I'm not going to go that extreme in case I can't follow through and then I look like an idiot. But I will say it's food for thought! Let kids be kids! Let 'em talk, laugh, scream, express themselves and be praised for it and guided through it on how to develop these things appropriately! They have the rest of their lives to grow up! And who wants to do that, anyway?

One day, the worms are gonna eat us all anyway.

So, about being mother of the year. I have been going on and on and will continue to go on and on about my big night at the Preschool Parent Social. It was legit. I bid on some art, I hung out with grown ups, oh, and I won 1/2 off tuition. Again, legit.

The social was something I'd been hearing about for a few weeks and had been pretty intently avoiding. Ryan was going to be at work and I could just see myself, wall flower Liz, watching as all these Mercedes Moms enjoy their cosmos (what's even in that, again?) and me wondering why I even showed up. So, no. This was not on my agenda. Until one day....

As I was waiting in the hallway with a few of the other parents, I was asked about the social. I told them I didn't want to go alone and have no one to talk to. They assured me that they would talk to me and that it would be super fun so I should go. So super jazzed up, I go home to tell Ryan about these people who clearly want to be my new best friends and grab a $20 to by my ticket.

So I show up to the party, all alone. While at the gym prior, I heard that "Tonight's gonna be a good night" song (judge if you will) and determined to make it my anthem. I end up about halfway through, talking to one of the dad's I'd never met before. (Ironically, his son and my little gal beat each other up pretty frequently). We get to talking about the "So what do you do?" 's and all of grown up land. He tells me of his many years (he's 42 vs. my 25) of being a real estate lawyer. He tells me how he's missed a lot of time with his family, though working from home. I tell him very proudly of Ryan's life as a restaurant manger-turned-photographer and our struggle for balance and what career choices to make. He says "Oh, you guys are just babies. You have all the time in the world for making these big choices! You've got to do what gets food on the table and a roof over your head. It all passes by so quickly and you don't get the time back. One day, the worms are gonna eat us all anyway."

I stood, probably slack-jaw, at these unexpected words of wisdom. It may sound grim but it is so true. What I gathered from him was like the passages in Ecclesiastes that tell us it's all meaningless--- all of it. I am SO quick to run down the road and hang out with my homeless friends. I'm super quick to be friends for life with people in the same tax bracket as myself. And I often judge and refuse those who have what seems to be an abundant lifestyle. I think I have so much in common with the afflicted brother or sister or the oppressed. But I forget that really, life is the same for all of us.... we live, we strive, we toil, we die.

I should adopt in life what we do in death: That there are no distinctions, that our bodies all wear out the same and find the same fate, and that big or small we take none of it with us. No matter what you possess, you cannot stop the inevitable. My hope is that I will stop living in a self-inflicted inferiority to these different classes of people and stop seeing money as a determining factor for someone's worth. I certainly don't look down on those who have little but I hastily shun those who are well off. I make assumptions that all anyone lives for is money. Well, in reality, maybe it's just me. I'm thinking I need to take my blinders off and see it all for what it really is: meaningless.

Not your catchy blog title

I'm about 7 days-ish late on my Week 3 ORGANIZE NOW! blog. Weeks 1 and 2 were really introspective, concerning my priorities and mind. Week 3 starts getting into a little more tangible work, that I've found myself thinking on daily. That's pretty good because I guess that's the point of the book.

So Week 3: Organize your Schedule.

Before I even get to that, I want to revisit my New Year's resolutions. So far, so good. I don't think I've failed them yet, which is great 25 days in! I just sometimes get SO overwhelmed with all I WANT to do vs. all I can FEASIBLY do. I want so badly to have a successful Etsy site and killer craft blog that creative folks drool over for inspiration (meanwhile, I'm gleaning inspiration from other brilliant craft bloggers). I want so badly to take it beyond that and have a little space at Area 15 or something of the sort dedicated half to my craftiness, half to Ryan's photography and just have a cutie pie little family of successful entrepreneurs. These goals sometimes really overwhelm me to the point of not even trying to get started and I really just needed to get that out and in writing. Thank you, therapeutic blog. Now, back to my original point of organizing my schedule.

My book told me to buy a planner. Done and done. I live for planners. I BREATHE for planners. (Oh yeah, and Jesus, too). So that one was a given. And my planner is legit, too, let me tell you. And at half off at Barnes and Noble, I am certainly enjoying it and will until Dec 2012 (and no, that's not because I think the world will end then. It's just because it's when my pages run out, silly!)

Another GREAT thing it has suggested is that you sort your tasks! A) This week. B) This month.(Thank you notes, birthday gifts.....) C) Tentative future plans (lunch with friends, skype dates, blah blah blah). Another one was to schedule all your doctors appointments for your family. Well, I saw my lactation consultant this week, further nailing down that I have (for the most part) sworn off the conventional doctor, so technically, that one is off my list considering I don't need to do it. (Hippie propaganda. Sorry.)

I think my favorite thing on the list was one of the tips: Be realistic. Phew. What a load off. I love a good list. (Have I mentioned that before? Because if not, I could elaborate for a while...) My lists, however, have a tendency to get very detailed and very overwhelming. I like the idea of focusing on my humanity, of realizing that really, with 2 little kids and a 1100 square foot house of cutie pie, cramped up chaos, I may not get around to EVERY nit-picky thing I want to do. And back to the priority bit--- If I'm constantly cleaning, organizing, scheduling appointments and having little lunch dates, I forget my own family, the ones I've chosen to spend my days with instead of trudging up some theoretical ladder. It really is about prioritizing and giving yourself a break. The author even mentions monthly scheduling downtime. This may sound easy to some, but for the Type A's purchasing and completing the book, it is a new (or at least rarely used) concept.

I really believe God put on my heart that for the month of January, to take him at his Word and try out a weekly break. Or I think he calls it a "Sabbath"- a day of rest, intended for worship. Not the go-to-a-building-and-sing-with-some-folks kind of worship but the intense worship with the soul that can only happen when you begin to discipline yourself enough to BE STILL. Sometimes for me, it takes more self control NOT to clean than to actually get up and do it. There is plenty of debate over whether this is a Saturday or Sunday thing and which day is truly the 7th day. I just opt out and go for Friday. :) It's normally the day I only have 1 kid and the day there are no good classes at the YMCA. I might be getting the day right but I am learning a lot and certainly not missing the point.

Being realistic and being restful. Two things that are not my strong point. My dad always told me "You've got too many irons in the fire, girl." (That's southern for "My, you've got a lot on your to do!") It is my nature and it takes a lot to get around it but so far, I'm seeing some positive change!

Thanks for following my little journey!

Mawwiage! Mawwiage is what bwings us togeva today.

I just really felt I had the need to post this. I almost put it off and ignored it but I really had a feeling in my gut I should give in.

So I'm just going to be candid with you for a little bit. I'm not always good at being married. In fact, I'm bad at it about 45% of the time. And I'm only throwing that percentage out there because it makes me look like I'm good at it over half the time so there is margin of error. And today was really just no different.

I spent some time away from Ryan today as I headed down the mountain to drop Adalai off with my grandparents. I won't go into all the gory details about my morning and thought pattern, but let's just say it was less than Biblical. :) I come home to (ironically enough) clean my house and get ready for my first ever Bible study with a new, fantastic group of ladies from the neighborhood. I'd been thinking this week and praying over what our topic should be for study. Marriage, womanhood, specific scripture.... We just hadn't decided.

So tonight we just decided to talk and see where it went. All 4 of us are married. Silje and her husband have been married for 3 1/2 years, like us. Megan and her husband have been for 2. Arlene and her husband for 26. Some of us sat talking about different things going on in our marriage. I mentioned communication as a key for me and how often I feel Ryan and I speak different languages. I mentioned being frustrated at a messy house, at being stuck at home with my kids and various responsibility. I mentioned loneliness. I mentioned sleep depravation. I mentioned enough to leave me feeling like I really have been frustrated off and on lately.

As we discuss our differences with our husbands and some of the trials marriage often brings, Arlene chimes in and says "Well. What are some good things about marriage?" Halt. Honestly, that was not a thought pattern I'd been down lately. I'd been so frustrated about the dishes not being done that I had taken zero time to think about what really matters in a marriage. That one simple question from Arlene took my thoughts in a completely different direction. And there were a lot of things to be said of that. We are told to take our thoughts captive for Christ. In other words, our thoughts have a way of getting away from us. Ryan tells me all the time to talk about things and not keep it in, because your thoughts will take you places you really don't need to be.

I'd been so afraid if being different from Ryan and leading different lives (home vs. his job). Arlene shared that in her early years of marriage, she feared the same things. In retrospect, however, she sees it was a season they grew through. I didn't realize that the fear of separateness was one that I had and that actually dictated a portion of my marriage.

My friend Lisa reminded me today of the importance of marriage- that it's life's most important relationship, actually. I am so grateful to be reminded of the positive side and reality of love and marriage, when my mind so often takes me other places.

I remembered how complete I am with Ryan. I remembered how understanding he is. I remembered how when I feel I have no one else, I have him. I remembered how he knows me like no one else. I remembered how much closer we've grown over the years. Funny how something like dirty dishes makes me quickly forget these truths.

May perfect love drive out fear and that I may take my thoughts captive and live in freedom!

My (not-so) organized life

So, in conjecture with my previous blog concerning printed media, I will now tell the tale of my journey towards domesticity, with the help of a few printed aides.

Before moving to Villa Heights, we lived in South Park across from Barnes and Noble. Magical. Anyway, they had this book I wanted then called "Organize Now!". Throughout the book, you go through closets, rooms, drawers, dungeons, week-by-week in an attempt to, well, Organize Now! I would periodically visit the bookstore, check and see if they still had it, and, alas, never purchase it. What I'm not telling you is that normally I go on an on-line scavenger hunt for the cheapest possible copy of anything I purchase at addall.com. It makes the acquisition much more victorious.

A few months went by, a new house and a new baby later, I got to thinking I had some space in my life to get organized and get back on the track that pregnancy and newborns so quickly kick you off. With my very own crunchy Christmas money, I headed (all alone, mind you) back to the nostalgic Barnes and Noble, for the purpose of purchasing the book for the New Year.

The first 4 weeks are about organization of yourself. Well. Don't mind if I do. Guess I needed that one, considering I was hoping week 1 was "organize your kitchen cabinets", seeing as how I'd already done this. Instead, I found myself organizing my mind & life vision. It is like therapy in a binder.

I am now on Week 2. Organize your Priorities. I never really think to do that, assuming it's apparent. Nominally I suppose it is. When I hold up my actions to my words, however, they are not in symmetry. I am told to "make a list of my top ten priorities" and "make a list of all the activities I currently participate in" and "compare the list to my top ten". I've got to say, I didn't do terribly. But after a day like today- one of a long to-do list, icy roads, and cabin fever- I can say I hope tomorrow finds a bit more congruency.

My point in saying all this, is that as I go week-by-week, I hope to blog my findings and self-revelations. (This is in no way related to Julie and Julia). I'm hoping in 2011 to finish this book and to cook completely through "Get Cooking." by Mollie Katzen. So far, all I've got to show for it is half scorched roasted garlic paste. Long story.

I won't post my resolutions, because there are seriously about 20. What can I say? I love a good list. But I will give my top ten priorities, listed in no particular order:

-serving and loving God

-serving and loving my husband

-teaching my children (and spending quality time with them)

-connecting to my community and family

-training to run/stay in shape

-creative outlet (cooking, crafts, reading, etc...)

-staying organized

-personal/spiritual growth

-seeing life differently than the customary (spending habits, politics, lifestyle, etc...)

-living peacefully with self and others

In an attempt to really hold true to at least some of these today, I gave myself 30 minutes to sit quietly and read. Adalai sat on her bed, watched Big Brother Calliou on the computer (again), I sat and nursed Wilek (again) and read my beloved cookbook and am proud to say I finished the soup section and am now onto salads! *Note: I realize that reading a cook book and cooking from a cookbook are 2 separate things.*

My second attempt was spending 30 minutes of quality time, playing with Adalai. We played restaurant and doctor. I got to be the waitress, the customer, the sick person, and the doctor, as we switched between roles. Not once did I answer the phone, check laundry, wash a dish... nothing! We included Wilek in our play time and just hung out in the kitchen floor.

Twice today I sat for 30 minutes. I did things I know are good for my mental and emotional health, not to mention for that of my children. So this is my journey. To be a wife, be a mom, and have some type of growth and wisdom in between the chaos.

Give me printed literature or give me death.

There's nothing like a good book. Nothing. There is just something so exciting about what's hidden behind the cover, filling all the pages in black and white. This past week has been one of anticipation for me, as I not-so-patiently awaited the arrival of my 2 new Molly Katzen cookbooks. I've been wanting The Vegetable Dishes I Can't Live Without since becoming a vegetarian (with the exclusion of the Christmas livermush) almost 3 years ago. And as I explored her website, I found another book entitled Get Cooking and decided I'd do just that.

So, Christmas day, in a room filled with new pots and pans, sweaters, jewelry and other various gifts, I hopped on Addall.com and, in all my glorious frugality, found both titles for as cheap as humanly possible ($1.49 and $6.49, if I can just toot my own little horn for a sec) and ordered those puppies.

For 10 days-ok, 5 or so business days- I waited in expectation for these glorious books to arrive. Each day they didn't I became more and more anxious. And finally, as of today, I know hold in my possession my beautiful, tangible, well-written and fabulously illustrated cookbooks.

Now, these aren't the only books I love. No no no. I love everything from quirky fiction such as Michael Chabon and Nick Hornby, to Shane Claiborne and Jonathan Wilson-Hargrove, all the way to a good planner (which I purchaed for the New Year, thank you very much). You may not be able to find me in the club, but you can find me at Imaginon instilling this excitement in my kids or Barnes & Noble running away from them.

Even in an age of iPhones, iPads, Kindles and eBooks, there's nothing like holding a book in your hands, flipping through it, underlining thoughts and writing your own. I'm probably dooming my children to having "that mom" who refuses to move on, who still handwrites notes instead of typing and prefers old fashioned notebook paper to a Google document. With all this new technology, you have books and information at your fingertips instantly and it translates into every other area of our lives, and sometimes, really, what's the fun in it?

I understand convenience. I understand being progressive. I understand being rushed. But I know there are times when instant gratification is just no match for good, old-fashioned anticipation and the satisfaction you receive when you realize that the wait made what you'd been anticipating so much more meaningful.