Alright. Now that I emotionally vomited all over you yesterday, I can speak a bit more easily today. I have really just been so excited to write this blog today, which is a grave contrast from the past few days. I'm not sure where to begin or how to tie it all together, but let's just hop on down the rabbit trail of my stream of consciousness.

(Keep in mind I warned you of the blatant honesty of this blog. If I hurt your feelings: sorry.)

Let me tell you something Ryan said. I can do this because I know he probably will not be reading this. He hears me talk ALLLLLL day long. Do you really think he wants to get online and see what I have to say? Doubtful, bless his heart. Anyway, the other night Ryan and I got in to a rather heated discussion about the free store. (reference yesterday's blog concerning the hostility of our week) To his credit, he may have been playing more Devil's Advocate than anything. But his comment was a long the lines of this: "Something about the whole concept of a Free Store bothers me. I'm willing to give to people in need. Anyone. But those people don't have need. I see people come through there in a leather coat, picking up another leather coat and putting it on on top of their leather coat. In America, there is no reason for anyone to be homeless. There is government housing, shelters, churches, etc. Would I sit a shot down in front of an alcoholic and say 'here. Drink up.'? No. So why would I encourage this cycle of a false sense of need within these people?"

Well boy if that didn't ruin date night.

I was mad. I mean seriously mad. Like "get the bill I'm leaving" mad. I couldn't talk. Didn't want to talk. I felt betrayed. I mean, I spend a lot of my time, if I'm not at the Free Store, thinking about the Free Store and praying for the Free Store and planning events for the Free Store and so, by the way, you think it's all dumb? Really?

Ok, Liz. Take a deep breath because that wasn't the point, nor was that close to his point.

The point is our urgency to own. Everyone's urgency. At the Free Store (how many times can I say Free Store? It's almost like a Boondock Saints drinking game) we used to have a policy of a 4-items-per-person-per-day. Great idea. That gives us some control! Well, Paul decided that was not working for a few reasons. If it's free, you can't steal, therefore, by principle, you cannot be limited. Also, sometimes we've got a lot of crap and need more room to put a lot more crap. So clean it out! Take it! But I think the biggest reason was the Free Store's (go on. down another shot) philosophy is "Give what you want, take what you need". It's the need aspect that bothered Ryan so much. And when I got to thinking about it, it really started to bother me, too.

So today, I almost walked into the Free Store disgusted. I was looking around at who all would probably nonchalantly ask me for money, like I have any, who would eat all the cookies and stuff some in their purse for later, and who would take all the time up in Bible Study talking about themselves. Good thing I sat in the back because I feel I even looked to part of annoyed.

As our friend Gary was speaking, I began to ask God for compassion. And a lot of it. Jesus always saw people with compassion, no matter the circumstance. I felt I was in need of that today. And God gave it to me. Before I left, I was able to have an amazing conversation with a woman and dear friend who's husband had just passed. God slowed me down enough to listen to her. I was then able to have a conversation with another person (who happened to be one whom I'd tried to avoid, truth be told) about very intense difficulties growing up and how he's affected now. If that's not God working, I don't know what is.

On the way home, I tried to piece it all together (which I had to do in a hurry because I only live 10 blocks away). Ryan brought up some valid points. Whether it's free or not, we're still enabling people to consume (which is where my comment came from yesterday). But what people do with a free gift is between them and God. I just have to be willing to give.

If you have a problem with people taking, it's probably because you are holding something back. I realized today that I have grown to do that. The idea of the Free Store appears romantic. It appears countercultural, which I'm all about. It seems like, as a woman once described it, "an anarchy store". But as you get down and dirty, you realize that it's a family. And that is not always pretty. The more I got involved, the more I kept my distance from close relationships with people. Again, I didn't want to be taken advantage of.

The Free Store is a relational space that exists to give things away, only so people will show up. It's true. People are looking for a handout and buddy we're givin' it. But that's not the point. We want people to show up so we can get to know them. When you start being able to give materially, you eventually are able to give emotionally, and often times more than you thought possible.

So maybe we are enabling. Maybe we are feeding an addiction. But who are we to say what people need? God has called us to give out of the abundance he has given us. If that involves our possessions, so be it. If it involves conversation or a listening ear, great. We have GOT to learn to be consumed not with the things we can see, but the things we can't see. And sometimes it takes getting down and dirty with others. But mostly, within ourselves.

"Freely you have received, freely give."

*Note: Ryan and I have since gotten over our argument, hugged, and have gone to the zoo. We are, currently, on speaking terms.*