I think the reason I never excelled at sports when growing up is because I hated competing. A pretty key aspect of sports, really. I'd go to my swim meets, and choose the hardest event and come in last. I'd swim a 500 in a whopping 11:45... when others were doing it in 6:30. My dear ol' mom even kindly suggested "Elizabeth, don't you want to try another sport?" Why, no! No I do not! I swam 500 meters and did not die and, dammit, when I came in dead last, everyone cheered more for me than the first! Ok fine. So maybe they were cheering because it was over but they cheered none-the-less.
Fast-forward to college, marriage, and 2 kids later. I am a way better athlete now. I run/go to the gym practically daily. I've run miles and miles and pumped lots of iron, Arnold style. I've kicked ass in boot camp. I've out-crunched in Bosu. I've side-crowed in yoga. I mean seriously. I made up for my 48-minute high school 5K's. I've made up for being a junior on the JV soccer team. Yeah, I said it. So what?
But that's not the point. I think, honestly, I've learned a lot from this supposed athleticism: it's more personal than team. Seriously. But more than that- it's not athleticism: it's the universal human experience. I've always been afraid of competition. Not because I'm not good at things. I can run a pretty long and/or quick run. I can do yoga all day. I can do 50 push-ups in a row. I can craft. I can lead my neighborhood. I can plan some killer events. I can organize preschool functions. (But enough about me.....).
It wasn't until I realized one solid fact that I have to hold on to and stand by in life: it's not about what others think. As I ration it out, I was far more afraid of failure than competing. If I just bit the bullet and succumbed to being last, it made it far less painful. I had no expectations to meet- or miss.
Then I grew up. And I realized it doesn't matter where I place. Really, no one is watching me. They are all focusing on themselves and how they can get ahead. AndI realized that the only person worth competing against was me. I hate the pressure and anxiety of making someone else come in last just so I can come in first. It honestly never has felt "right" to me.
Even so, people are going to walk all over you. Believe me. They are going to do what they can to get ahead, even if it means forgetting you even existed. They are going to outrun, outsmart, outwit you. Not every time, but sometimes. And you just have to be okay with it. Through a couple of recent events, I've learned what I'm not going to do: I'm not going to place my need to win above my need to relate. I'm not going to place more emphasis on getting ahead than getting it right. And I'm certainly not going to let what others think of me- that I'm not qualified enough, don't have enough life experience, haven't done enough- define the reality of who I am.
I've taken my 48-minute 5K's and turned them into 26-minutes. I've taken my inability to cut a straight line and embraced it as "art". I've taken having to grow up a bit more quickly than I would have liked and turned it into a thriving, community-driven, volunteer-badass, obstacle-clearing reality. I just have to remember the only one I ever need to continue to be better than: myself.
