Expectations

An odd time of night to write a blog, I know. Especially considering I am currently on an Etsy-listing frenzy. But I just can't get my day off my mind. I know everyone has bad days and it happens. But today could not go right for me and I felt it was mostly self-inflicted.

I won't get into specific details, but today was a day of missed expectations, mostly of those people had of me. I got up this morning, expecting to go to run at 6:30 and go to the gym at 9. Neither of those things happened, thanks to my little muffin who was up early and consequently napped early. And in a day filled with 24 hours, I found not 1 to use for the gym. Anyone who works out regularly knows what a pain in the ass it is to miss a day, especially when you're already geared up, sports bra and everything. I was hoping for a budget discussion/family meeting and, well, if you're married you know how fun that is. I might as well said "Hey Ryan, instead of coffee, why don't we sit and drink formaldehyde?"

And it just kept going down hill. There are days where I'm so jazzed to be around people that I make life-long friends at Trader Joe's. I'm not kidding. It happens. But then there are days that I want to close the blinds, lock the doors and forget the world exists. And it gets on my damn nerves. I hate to be so back and forth and seemingly inconsistent. That has been one of my biggest problems and annoyances about myself. I understand everyone is that way at times but I just feel so extreme about it. I either REALLY want to be around people or REALLY don't. There is no in between for me. The problem with this is that people in my life probably just don't know what to do.

I had a friend call with an emergency I neither had time nor energy to help with (though the desire was there), I had neighborhood kids come by asking to play games and pick tomatoes and I had no energy for that, my elderly next door neighbor called (for the millionth time this week) and I just had nothing to offer her and chose to ignore the call. Today was an "I swear if 1 more person calls I'm burning AT&T down" kind of days. I just couldn't do it. The kicker was when my grandmother called at 2:30 telling me she'd been waiting on me all day with tomato sandwiches and why didn't I just call to say I couldn't come. Damn my emotional energy or lack there-of.

Sometimes I allow people to put expectations on me: that I'm always available, that I'll always come to anyone's aide, that my house is open to visitors 24/7, that I'll come visit at anytime. And I put that expectation on myself and then some: I'll run at 6:30 and gym at 9, in spite of my 11 month old, I'll do a nutritional cleanse in spite of a pretty hefty love of carbs, I'll keep my house clean and my artistic endeavors caught up and I'll be there for anyone and everyone who may or may not need me and I'll have company for breakfast, lunch and dinner and I'll do it all with a smile.

As ideal as it may seem, that is all it is: ideal. As I'm finding out, I do not live in an "ideal" world, but a realistic one. Realistically, I am human. Realistically, I need a break. Realistically, I need rest. I cannot do it all and I cannot allow others to think that I am able to. It's a pride thing, I think, and not even meant to benefit the other person but my own ego. I want so badly to be dependable and level headed and peaceful and available... all the time. The problem is not the attributes I strive to attain but the absolutes I place behind them. "I will always be available." "I will always answer the phone." "I will always have my home open."

What I'm finding is that I'm just not intended to live that way. No one is. We need a break. We need some rest. We need to nap until 7pm (which is why I'm blogging at 2am, by the way). I can eat really well but dammit sometimes I need a chic-fa-la sandwich. The world of absolutes I've created for myself is not a productive one at all and is, in fact, quite miserable for both myself and those I've let go along with the Liz-delirium. I've got to make a change. I've got to stop pressuring myself. I've got to take a break and I've got to be okay with it and I've got to be assertive and assess my limitations. Thank God there are only 24 hours in a day because, in spite of my attempt to fill them all with fun-loving productivity, I would drive myself even crazier than I already am.

Here's to hoping and here's to change.

This mothering life

So my dear friend Jamie sent me this blog post this morning. She and I have been talking about money, work, children, marriage, households and our ties therein almost daily for over a year. I can hardly remember life before these things were an issue. If you don't read the blog, it's pretty much about being a wife, having babies, being broke, staying home, and trusting God. Honestly, I would rather just run away than think about ANY of those things in a positive light. And sometimes I do, to the detriment of everyone around me.

I cried when I read it. Why did I cry? I don't know. Maybe because I'm a terrible person. But that's a different story for a different day. I know it Proverbs 31 it says "She sees that her trading is profitable". I have thought about that verse and said "See? Women can work, heck, DO work in the Bible and it is not a bad thing." The 31 woman was wise, business-savvy and eager. I think the main thing to think about is exactly what that naptime mom said: You have to let your husband provide and you have to fulfill biblical roles (Liz Eagle). It is not whether or not you bring in income. Maybe you need to, maybe you don't. It's more about mindset. You have to trust your husband (Liz Eagle) to make the choices. Even if it sounds crazy, you have to CHOSE to do as he asks because he is, in fact, the leader. We talk about how they get to leave, they get to go, we get to stay, figure out childcare, do allllll the laundry, allllll the dishes, alllllll the sweeping, allllll the diaper changes no matter the time of day or night and all the responsibility inevitably falls on us.

But it kind of is our biblical role. Genesis 1-3 sets us up for it and if we want to live the way we SHOULD live, then we let go of all the things that we WANT and realize what we NEED and all we need is to trust God, and often trust him through our husbands. If we work or not, God put the children IN us, to hold and protect and arrange our lives around and just because they are in the "real world", that role does not go away. Not at 6am, 10am, 5pm, 2am. I should probably spend more time celebrating what I GET to do instead of what I HAVE to do.

This mothering life is not for the faint of heart. It is not all teething crackers and story time, like I thought it might be. Sometimes for me, it's a living nightmare. I can't seem to get anything cleaned up, cooked up, packed up, washed up, let alone get outside and play and run around with my kids. I HAVE to clean. I HAVE to rake. I HAVE to garden. I HAVE to sew. Have to, have to, have to. Let it go, Liz. Seriously. Enjoy it. Enjoy it in the good times, grow through the bad. Just grow. Just let it be positive. Let it be the way it was intended.

A few weeks ago, a person told me I was "self-righteous" in the things that I do. As I (a little too often and a little too annoyed) have thought on what she said, I cannot help but think how wrong that is. In fact, I feel it is quite the opposite. I am not righteous in any way. And sometimes, even complete strangers feel it. (Again, a different story, for a different day). I am a mess. Seriously. I don't know who this "self" of mine is and feel as thought I haven't for quite some time, but it certainly isn't anyone capable of being righteous in and of myself.

Being a wife, being a mother, and (if we're doing it correctly), being a human should make us forget about ourselves and dive in to remembering others. Remembering the little people that wake us up at all hours of the night. Remembering the husband who leaves to work, not because he WANTS to, but because it is his role in supplying his family with all the amazing things they're allowed. Remembering the husband who may feel pressured by the expectations not only of himself but that *gulp* we are putting on him but saying what we DON'T have or CAN'T do or how we WISH life was. It is our role to support. End of story. Help hold the family up. It would fall apart with out us and we can't fall apart in the process!

"She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come."