My big commitment: Halfway there

I am just not very good at this! Perhaps I underestimated how incredibly time consuming it would be for this mother-of-2 to blog daily. I'll just blame it on the kids. They're too young to refute the blame just yet.

So day 16. This has been a long month for me. It has really been one of a lot of spiritual darkness fighting a blinding light. I will again be very honest with you. As we have come to realize, people don't love to talk about money. It's super personal. So, prepare to go there with me.

We got our tax return back. No kidding that it's the root of my problem. Ryan and I decided this year not to do anything big with it and to just keep it in the bank account. This is a big issue with me. Money just burns a little ol' hole in my pocket. So lining it up with not buying anything has been a challenge. And here's my honesty.

I really just enjoy a paycheck-to-paycheck life. There is no challenge for me there. If I don't have money, I don't spend it. Easy enough. We don't do credit cards. (Not because we wouldn't but because our credit sucks.) We normally do the Dave-Ramsey-envelope-thing and call it a day. When the "random" envelope is empty, it's empty. Hence the appeal of thrift shopping. But what happens to my do-gooder-don't-waste attitude when I have a pocket full of money and some time to kill? You fill in the blank.

Money may not change everyone but it certainly changes me. I always prayed that God would not give us money until we were responsible enough to handle it wisely. It is probably not ironic that this is the time he chose for me to not to buy things. I'm all well and good with self-control when there's nothing to control. But as soon as I'm given an option, I generally fold in under the pressure.

Jamie and I went to Target tonight. I needed patio chairs. Sue me. I'm sitting in one right now. As we went from section to section, gazing at all the things we HAD to have, she said something along the lines of me acting like shopping is my crack. Well.

I HATE the thought of shopping... when I have no currency with which to shop. I hate the thought of the Wal-Marts and Old Navys of the world sucking people in and convincing them they need so much pointless shit. It's easy to hate things that are inaccessible. I feel like such a hypocrite. I just hate money. I hate having it. I hate not having it. It is an ever-present thought in my mind. I really do obsess about it. We actually got our tax return mid-March. So I've been obsessing over it for quite some time now.

I am almost embarrassed to write all this but I felt I had to be honest with you. For those who see me at the Free Store, I feel like I owe it to you. I'm glad there are no expectations because if there were, I would have missed the mark completely. I did not realize that this was a legit struggle for me. I honestly thought it would just be some cute thing we did as a "fight the power" campaign. The only power I'm needing to fight is my insatiable hunger to possess.