April Fool.

Let me tell you how I think. Or at least how I've learned to think or have been conditioned to think: I want stuff. Now. "Don't care how, I want it now." Good ol' Veruca Salt complex. And we all know how she ended up- a bad egg.

I woke up this morning thinking about all I wanted. Seriously. I did. I don't know where this is coming from. Maybe because I said I wouldn't buy anything. Maybe because I really am, in fact, just that greedy. The things I determined I HAD to have today were:

-iPhone

-Easter dress for my kid (seriously?)

-frames for various things in my house

-outdoor/patio table

-canopy for back yard

-more Charlie Brown stuff for Wilek's birthday party (I know it's 5 months away)

And that was just today. I am proud to say, though, that I went ALMOST all day without spending money. I'm kind of ticked, though, that that is an accomplishment and more-so that I did not even fully accomplish anything. I bought no food, no gas, no coffee (though my sweet friend Lisa treated me to a cup anyway). I really had to think this through, though. I cannot tell you how contingent my days are on spending money. I just do not really know how to go a day without doing it.

I almost made it the whole day when, at 8:45 on the way home from KM, I decided to feed my addiction and stop at Value Village. I know it's all old, so technically I'm keeping my resolution. And I only spent $8.45, which is clearly not a fortune. But I came to my problem. It's not about the money; it's the motivation.

What is driving me? I just couldn't keep myself from it. I thought of all the things they may just have that I may just need that may just be cheap enough for me to maybe use later. I mean, it WAS within my deal and it WAS inexpensive and I CAN put what i got to good use. See the desperation? It is kind of sickening. It wasn't that I went out and bought a ton. It was the fact that I was not content enough to go one full day buying nothing at all.

And that was my experience for today. I honestly am beginning to believe that the next 29 days are going to be more than I bargained for. To be continued...