So, now that we've gotten through the pretty introduction I can be real with you: This has really sucked. Even now as I'm writing, I almost wish I weren't and can think of a ton of other things I could/should be doing. But I know I need to share my experiences and be true to all the jazz that's been going on.
I feel like I had no idea what I was getting myself into. It is incredibly emotionally draining to sit down daily and think through all the choices you are making and your motivations involved. Mindfulness is not a simple task. It is not a faint-hearted task. As I have previously discovered and stated, I've learned that this is not about "consumerism" and "sticking it to the man" like me and my anti-establishment self intended it to be. No, instead it has been a spiritual journey, like God and his patient and thoughtful self intended it to be.
I never prayed about this. I jumped straight in. March 31st I thought "Crap. Paul and I talked about this. I better put something on facebook so I look productive." So this, plus a few other things, is what I quickly came up with. (Emphasis on the I.) I continued for a few days to ignore God and what he was saying. And that's about when the battle began. It started with me figuring out that I have been fighting the wrong battles and that I'm my own white horse and distraction. Last Sunday, I sang whole-heartedly and prayerfully the song "Fire fall down", boldly asking God to do just that. The premis of the song being a prayer, asking God to send fire to refine us, as gold is refined, all the impurities burned away.
I clearly have a lot of those.
This past week has been hell. Seriously. I never get sick. And I'm not sure how these things work exactly, but I'm pretty sure it's in some way spiritual. I.am.just.sick. In general. In emotion. In spirit. Today is the first day I've felt "normal" since then. I'll not air my dirty laundry, but Ryan and I have had a pretty crappy week. I've not had energy or drive to parent. I haven't wanted to leave the house. It's just been hard.
My issue with consumerism is that I want to consume everything that is around me. Ryan works daily at 3. So I want to consume all the time we have up until that point. We have money in the bank, I want to consume it all until there is none left. We have cookies or (my favorite) coffee cake in the house and I want to consume it all at once. (Seriously. I do that.)
I have a hard time living in excess so I excessively try to take in everything. My time, my relationships, my resources. I spend all that I have: time, money, energy. I run until I
run dry. This is just not what God has for me. He intended my for much more than this.
I'm learning a lot about myself. A lot that I would, in fact, have been okay with not knowing. But that is the beauty of following God and learning that we have to give everything to him. He wants to consume us. It is not about what we consume, how we consume or if we enable others to consume. It's about our lives, our wants, our relationships, our health, our needs being consumed by God. When he is all-consuming to us, we realize how little we truly need to consume.
Is it May yet?
Love it! And love the fact that I'm lucky enough to be your friend. You are so real, truthful, and beautiful. And that is inspiring.
ReplyDelete"No, instead it has been a spiritual journey, like God and his patient and thoughtful self intended it to be." -Also love this statement... Ahhh, the story of life.
May will be here before ya know it. ;)