Satisfied

So, at the Free Store today, as I strolled in 7-10 minutes late with my kid, I caught some discussion about Jacob's relationship with God and Job's relationship with God. We had quite a few people sharing some struggles and others sharing goodness from God. It was quite to mix of characters this morning, let me tell you.

It was great to hear Paul bring up Job's sobering thought that "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away." Just this morning I had dialogued with God a bit about that thought. Everything is from God. The thought of things being given and/or taken away implies that we even have something-- gifts, and someone-- a giver. This Giver is the same yesterday, today, and forever, in spite of what has or has not been given or taken from us. It should be so apparent that our lives are more than what we posses at any given time.

But let's be realistic. Losing things sucks. Knowing God is beside us is nice and good, but that does not always make it feel better! One thing that always gets me is people talking about doing for others. "Do for others-- you'll feel better." "I always feel good when I help someone else." Well good for you. I feel good when I have 1 too many mimosas on a Sunday afternoon. What's your point here?

I was talking to my dad Sunday as we rode bikes around my neighborhood (I know. So damn cute.) about some of the random and ridiculously sized houses amidst so many other dilapidated ones. Dad said "I can tell you one thing, they're not building up more earth than they already had." In dad-world, that means "The earth was here way before we were and we cannot make there be more or less."

And how often times do I do that? I try to take control and fix when I feel I need more or overcompensate when I feel I need less. Who am I to say what I need? I mean, did I make me? God has given us this beautiful life and, whether he keeps giving or chooses to take, we must make an active choice to be satisfied, because really, what control do we have over it anyway?

American Glitter

What a day, what a day.

This morning, I went on a glorious walk through my neighborhood and the one adjoining. It was so beautiful. I had my little kiddos in the stroller (brought to you by craigslist, might I add) and just really took it all in. There's a bit of disconnect, though, from my neighborhood to the next. There, there are streets and streets of houses that tower over you, with their mod-art-deco styled porches and roofs with verandas and shiny new cars. The question was asked "What do these people do for a living and how can I get my husband on board?" It may have been half joking, but I wonder how serious the other half was.

I came home to a great conversation with my "trust-fund-friend" Devin. He comes from seriously a Porsche, 5-story-mansion, Clueless-esque pool family but I swear you would not know it. He borrowed his friend's mom's car to drive here from Lynchburg and dude seriously has the gnarliest neck beard I've ever seen. He had a lot to say for the "who has what" mentality. He said his parents always talked to and befriended anyone regardless of income level or car make. He said that growing up, they had so much money but no one ever knew because no one ever cared. But what stuck with me the most was his honesty. He said "I really just hate how we're just taught to buy all this stuff from cable tv to walmart. The last thing I bought myself was a pair of shoes. And I'll admit, sometimes I get that little 'American glitter' in my eye when I see something cool I want but then I think 'What's it going to really do for me? Do I even need it?' "

Remember my trip to Target the other night to buy chairs? Well, I almost spent $30 on a metal fold up table to go in between them. Somebody smack me. Seriously. I decided not to because I figured some thrift store somewhere would have them, anyway. And plus I'd broken the rule by even buying the damn chairs so I didn't want to get in deeper. While riding my bike tonight, well just what do you think I found? Why, a little ol' fold up table to go in between my sweetie pie chairs and it is currently outside, taking in it's fresh new coat of spray paint.

So here's how it all ties together: God will provide. Seriously. I know that's a stretch from those 3 paragraphs of seemingly separate thoughts. But with the houses, well, I gotta roof over my head. And the "American glitter" we get as our eyes gloss over when we see the newest cute dress in the window or a sweet new Mercedes or, hell, the new DIY magazine I wanted today at Food Lion. God is going to give us what we need and sometimes what we want. Did I need a table to go outside? No. But because of my faithfulness in not buying it (we won't talk about my lack thereof with the chairs. Oh, I already had a pair in the front yard and didn't need 2 more? Huh?), it was literally sitting on the side of the road, waiting on me. I honestly don't think God cared if I had a table or not. I think he just cared that I am aware that it all means nothing to him. He is so far beyond these "things" we spend our time with.

There's a story in the Bible where Jesus, when asked why he and his disciples don't pay taxes, catches a fish a pulls a coin out of it's mouth. Moral of the story? God is not limited to our system of exchange.

At yoga tonight, Ann walked us through frog pose.... for 5 minutes. If you know anything about this posture, you know it is seriously killer. The entire purpose of the pose is space. Space between your hips, your torso to the ground, your knees to your elbows... everything. As we stay in this posture, Ann begins to speak and says "Just when the pose starts to get difficult, that's when you know it's starting to work. You'll feel yourselves beginning to squirm, but just breath. With each breathe, focus on how far you've come and staying strong. It's about space. You can take it to your life outside these walls. The more you give up, the more space you have for things more important."

What are we holding on to? What will we just not let go of? What can we not give up? What is it that keep us frantically working towards more, more, more (only to find we enjoy it less, less, less)? If we can start letting go of things, including ideals of what will truly make us "happy", we can see how little we truly need but how blessed we are in having those things. We are more than what we own.

Perspective

Life is a lot bigger than we remember sometimes. Today was our last day studying Revelation at church. It has been fantastic. And concluding our 7-week study was amazing because it meant that we got to hear the end of the story, the part where we see what Jesus is really all about.

Dave brought up some of our "images" of Jesus, including his senior portrait. I mean, we can really create some Jesuses, can't we? There are so many seemingly different forms of Christianity to subscribe to. The truth is that we are the ones who have created these things. God is the same yesterday, today and forever, no matter how relavent or irrelevant we feel we are.

And we are just so blinded. Constantly, here in the great ol' US of A, all we see is limited! We see a few brands of cell phones, tvs, cars and heck, seeds! We are coerced in what to eat, wear, drink, drive. I mean, there are only 2 legit brands of soda. WE ARE SO LIMITED. We just do not see the big picture. We rush rush rush to buy buy buy. Jamie gave me a great book called "First Time Mom" and in the book, it talks about parents working not to get by but just to accumulate more possessions! Unbelievable. Ryan brought up a bumper sticker today that says "You aren't what you possess" but we really just think that's the end of it!

We are so blind. So, so, so blind.

And we do it to ourselves. We allow ourselves to give in to advertising propaganda, the systems of the world and our own insecurities! And at what cost? Or to what benefit? So you got some more shit. Big deal. And then what? In a few years, months or weeks you throw it out just to buy something else? Really? And that's what you're working for? Hell, it's what I'm working for?

Come on! We are more than this! We have meaning! We have worth! And it has NOTHING to do with this money that WE created! I mean, so you make $120,00 a year. Ok. So you make $12,00 a year. Is one more important? Or me. I stay home with kids. I have NO money to my own name. Where does that leave me? Jesus tells us that in the end, he will reward us for what we have done. Well. I wonder how great this reward will be when we find that all we've spent our lives doing is trying to spend more money.

Let. It. Go.

Move on! Pick up a new system of doing things! We are better than this. We are more than this! Could I be on a bigger soap box or yell any louder? We have got to change the way we think. Not to be a cheeseball but the things that matter are FREE. The Spirit tells us "Whoever is thirsty, let him come; and whoever wishes, let him take the free gift of the water of life." (Revelation 22:17)

I don't know about you, but I'm fucking thirsty.

My big commitment: Halfway there

I am just not very good at this! Perhaps I underestimated how incredibly time consuming it would be for this mother-of-2 to blog daily. I'll just blame it on the kids. They're too young to refute the blame just yet.

So day 16. This has been a long month for me. It has really been one of a lot of spiritual darkness fighting a blinding light. I will again be very honest with you. As we have come to realize, people don't love to talk about money. It's super personal. So, prepare to go there with me.

We got our tax return back. No kidding that it's the root of my problem. Ryan and I decided this year not to do anything big with it and to just keep it in the bank account. This is a big issue with me. Money just burns a little ol' hole in my pocket. So lining it up with not buying anything has been a challenge. And here's my honesty.

I really just enjoy a paycheck-to-paycheck life. There is no challenge for me there. If I don't have money, I don't spend it. Easy enough. We don't do credit cards. (Not because we wouldn't but because our credit sucks.) We normally do the Dave-Ramsey-envelope-thing and call it a day. When the "random" envelope is empty, it's empty. Hence the appeal of thrift shopping. But what happens to my do-gooder-don't-waste attitude when I have a pocket full of money and some time to kill? You fill in the blank.

Money may not change everyone but it certainly changes me. I always prayed that God would not give us money until we were responsible enough to handle it wisely. It is probably not ironic that this is the time he chose for me to not to buy things. I'm all well and good with self-control when there's nothing to control. But as soon as I'm given an option, I generally fold in under the pressure.

Jamie and I went to Target tonight. I needed patio chairs. Sue me. I'm sitting in one right now. As we went from section to section, gazing at all the things we HAD to have, she said something along the lines of me acting like shopping is my crack. Well.

I HATE the thought of shopping... when I have no currency with which to shop. I hate the thought of the Wal-Marts and Old Navys of the world sucking people in and convincing them they need so much pointless shit. It's easy to hate things that are inaccessible. I feel like such a hypocrite. I just hate money. I hate having it. I hate not having it. It is an ever-present thought in my mind. I really do obsess about it. We actually got our tax return mid-March. So I've been obsessing over it for quite some time now.

I am almost embarrassed to write all this but I felt I had to be honest with you. For those who see me at the Free Store, I feel like I owe it to you. I'm glad there are no expectations because if there were, I would have missed the mark completely. I did not realize that this was a legit struggle for me. I honestly thought it would just be some cute thing we did as a "fight the power" campaign. The only power I'm needing to fight is my insatiable hunger to possess.

Alright. Now that I emotionally vomited all over you yesterday, I can speak a bit more easily today. I have really just been so excited to write this blog today, which is a grave contrast from the past few days. I'm not sure where to begin or how to tie it all together, but let's just hop on down the rabbit trail of my stream of consciousness.

(Keep in mind I warned you of the blatant honesty of this blog. If I hurt your feelings: sorry.)

Let me tell you something Ryan said. I can do this because I know he probably will not be reading this. He hears me talk ALLLLLL day long. Do you really think he wants to get online and see what I have to say? Doubtful, bless his heart. Anyway, the other night Ryan and I got in to a rather heated discussion about the free store. (reference yesterday's blog concerning the hostility of our week) To his credit, he may have been playing more Devil's Advocate than anything. But his comment was a long the lines of this: "Something about the whole concept of a Free Store bothers me. I'm willing to give to people in need. Anyone. But those people don't have need. I see people come through there in a leather coat, picking up another leather coat and putting it on on top of their leather coat. In America, there is no reason for anyone to be homeless. There is government housing, shelters, churches, etc. Would I sit a shot down in front of an alcoholic and say 'here. Drink up.'? No. So why would I encourage this cycle of a false sense of need within these people?"

Well boy if that didn't ruin date night.

I was mad. I mean seriously mad. Like "get the bill I'm leaving" mad. I couldn't talk. Didn't want to talk. I felt betrayed. I mean, I spend a lot of my time, if I'm not at the Free Store, thinking about the Free Store and praying for the Free Store and planning events for the Free Store and so, by the way, you think it's all dumb? Really?

Ok, Liz. Take a deep breath because that wasn't the point, nor was that close to his point.

The point is our urgency to own. Everyone's urgency. At the Free Store (how many times can I say Free Store? It's almost like a Boondock Saints drinking game) we used to have a policy of a 4-items-per-person-per-day. Great idea. That gives us some control! Well, Paul decided that was not working for a few reasons. If it's free, you can't steal, therefore, by principle, you cannot be limited. Also, sometimes we've got a lot of crap and need more room to put a lot more crap. So clean it out! Take it! But I think the biggest reason was the Free Store's (go on. down another shot) philosophy is "Give what you want, take what you need". It's the need aspect that bothered Ryan so much. And when I got to thinking about it, it really started to bother me, too.

So today, I almost walked into the Free Store disgusted. I was looking around at who all would probably nonchalantly ask me for money, like I have any, who would eat all the cookies and stuff some in their purse for later, and who would take all the time up in Bible Study talking about themselves. Good thing I sat in the back because I feel I even looked to part of annoyed.

As our friend Gary was speaking, I began to ask God for compassion. And a lot of it. Jesus always saw people with compassion, no matter the circumstance. I felt I was in need of that today. And God gave it to me. Before I left, I was able to have an amazing conversation with a woman and dear friend who's husband had just passed. God slowed me down enough to listen to her. I was then able to have a conversation with another person (who happened to be one whom I'd tried to avoid, truth be told) about very intense difficulties growing up and how he's affected now. If that's not God working, I don't know what is.

On the way home, I tried to piece it all together (which I had to do in a hurry because I only live 10 blocks away). Ryan brought up some valid points. Whether it's free or not, we're still enabling people to consume (which is where my comment came from yesterday). But what people do with a free gift is between them and God. I just have to be willing to give.

If you have a problem with people taking, it's probably because you are holding something back. I realized today that I have grown to do that. The idea of the Free Store appears romantic. It appears countercultural, which I'm all about. It seems like, as a woman once described it, "an anarchy store". But as you get down and dirty, you realize that it's a family. And that is not always pretty. The more I got involved, the more I kept my distance from close relationships with people. Again, I didn't want to be taken advantage of.

The Free Store is a relational space that exists to give things away, only so people will show up. It's true. People are looking for a handout and buddy we're givin' it. But that's not the point. We want people to show up so we can get to know them. When you start being able to give materially, you eventually are able to give emotionally, and often times more than you thought possible.

So maybe we are enabling. Maybe we are feeding an addiction. But who are we to say what people need? God has called us to give out of the abundance he has given us. If that involves our possessions, so be it. If it involves conversation or a listening ear, great. We have GOT to learn to be consumed not with the things we can see, but the things we can't see. And sometimes it takes getting down and dirty with others. But mostly, within ourselves.

"Freely you have received, freely give."

*Note: Ryan and I have since gotten over our argument, hugged, and have gone to the zoo. We are, currently, on speaking terms.*

This Journey I'm On

I think I'm about 4-ish days behind on the adventure in anti-consumerism. I have not been 100% at blogging because I have felt HORRIBLY for the past few days. Sinus gunk and allergies on top of still-not-sleeping 7-month-old make for a TERRIBLE recovery. But alas, tonight, I feel better, both kids are sleeping and I got a chocolate milk and some cookies. I'm ready to blog, my friends.

So, now that we've gotten through the pretty introduction I can be real with you: This has really sucked. Even now as I'm writing, I almost wish I weren't and can think of a ton of other things I could/should be doing. But I know I need to share my experiences and be true to all the jazz that's been going on.

I feel like I had no idea what I was getting myself into. It is incredibly emotionally draining to sit down daily and think through all the choices you are making and your motivations involved. Mindfulness is not a simple task. It is not a faint-hearted task. As I have previously discovered and stated, I've learned that this is not about "consumerism" and "sticking it to the man" like me and my anti-establishment self intended it to be. No, instead it has been a spiritual journey, like God and his patient and thoughtful self intended it to be.

I never prayed about this. I jumped straight in. March 31st I thought "Crap. Paul and I talked about this. I better put something on facebook so I look productive." So this, plus a few other things, is what I quickly came up with. (Emphasis on the I.) I continued for a few days to ignore God and what he was saying. And that's about when the battle began. It started with me figuring out that I have been fighting the wrong battles and that I'm my own white horse and distraction. Last Sunday, I sang whole-heartedly and prayerfully the song "Fire fall down", boldly asking God to do just that. The premis of the song being a prayer, asking God to send fire to refine us, as gold is refined, all the impurities burned away.

I clearly have a lot of those.

This past week has been hell. Seriously. I never get sick. And I'm not sure how these things work exactly, but I'm pretty sure it's in some way spiritual. I.am.just.sick. In general. In emotion. In spirit. Today is the first day I've felt "normal" since then. I'll not air my dirty laundry, but Ryan and I have had a pretty crappy week. I've not had energy or drive to parent. I haven't wanted to leave the house. It's just been hard.

My issue with consumerism is that I want to consume everything that is around me. Ryan works daily at 3. So I want to consume all the time we have up until that point. We have money in the bank, I want to consume it all until there is none left. We have cookies or (my favorite) coffee cake in the house and I want to consume it all at once. (Seriously. I do that.)

I have a hard time living in excess so I excessively try to take in everything. My time, my relationships, my resources. I spend all that I have: time, money, energy. I run until I

run dry. This is just not what God has for me. He intended my for much more than this.

I'm learning a lot about myself. A lot that I would, in fact, have been okay with not knowing. But that is the beauty of following God and learning that we have to give everything to him. He wants to consume us. It is not about what we consume, how we consume or if we enable others to consume. It's about our lives, our wants, our relationships, our health, our needs being consumed by God. When he is all-consuming to us, we realize how little we truly need to consume.

Is it May yet?

Eek! I forgot to post AGAIN today! My current purchasing history:

I worried about Easter because Lord knows he won't accept you at communion unless your kids've gots some shiny new digs Easter Sunday. Solution? AMAZING matching (get this) sailor outfits from Kid to Kid consignment on Park Road. My main reason in going was to get "new" pajamas for Adalai's pajama party this Saturday. AND I'll have you know, everything I've purchased for this party has been secondhand. (Except the food, of course. I may be frowned upon for that.)

And a side note: while leaving the park today, I saw a billboard that said "SAVE THE DATE! May 21, 2011. End of the world. wecanknow.org." At which, I laughed. Because, really? But it DID serve as a reminder that there is no reason to horde up junk. We can't take it with us. Our good friend from the Free Store quotes his grandmother in saying "I never saw a hearse pulling a U-Haul."

Anywhy, I think I actually may have a LOT to say tonight but I have so much to do to prep for said party. (I mean the pajama party. Not the apocalypse.)

Only to stay true to my word, I'm blogging today. Didn't buy anything. Didn't care to. But I did have a really good class of chocolate milk just now. And I'm going to bed. Because I'm sick.

And no, Paul Fisher. I'm not really sick because I can't buy anything. Sheesh. :)

Day Five

Ok, follow me here. I'm not sure what this has to do with consumerism, but I think there is a general theme. (Again, I may or may not look like a jerk after you read this. So if you want to keep liking me, assuming that you already do, catch me back tomorrow and forget this post ever existed.)

Three similari-ish things have happened to me in the course of a few days. I had a hard time putting it all together until my sweet friend Lisa and I had a little talk.

1-I found a killer empty spot at the balcony at Amos' on Sunday night. Some (super rude and old) guy comes up and asks me if he can have his spot back. I promptly tell him no and explain to him just why I would not move. We had, in fact, paid the same ticket price for the general admission show and, considering this is not 3rd grade and he did not "call the balcony", I chose to stay right where I was, nestled up to said rude man for 2-ish hours.

2-In our lease agreement, we are not responsible for our yard until our landlord provides us with a building for our lawn equipment. Our yard is currently a disaster. Long story short, I can't pin down a time with her when someone will come here to clean this disaster up so my children can play in our back yard (which is, in fact, included in our rent). Oh, and I paid some kid $40 to do it and he never showed back up. (Stupidstupidstupid!)

3-An unnamed individual has an unpaid bill from over a year ago in MY name, which is now in collections, which I received in the mail Monday and said individual REFUSES to answer any type of correspondence. The list goes on with this person but I will stop at that for my emotions' sake.

Oh wait. I mean 4.

4-Last Thursday, Ryan called as he was taking Thing 1 to preschool and asked if I'd recently gone through my glove box. I said "no". He then asked if I'd left my passenger door open the night previous. I said "no". Oh. So. You mean that as I'm crafting to my little heart's content and hanging out with my kids as my husband works, some a-hole is going through my car in an attempt to take things from me? Really? REALLY? (No, mom, I know you are reading this. I do not live in a bad neighborhood)

I have been stewing like pot roast about all of these issues. I've felt lately like I am just tired of being taken advantage of and being walked all over. I mean , I do a lot. I raise kids. I do stuff for the community. I keep a pretty stellar house. I do not deserve any of this stuff to be happening to me! It is irritating and gets on my nerves! But after the first few things happened, I began to realize that it probably wasn't by accident.

As I talked it out with Lisa, I began to see that these things had one thing in common: money. "I PAID the same amount of a ticket." "I PAY rent and deserve a good yard to show for it (especially because it's in the lease)." "I OWE money because of some inconsiderate guy we tried to help out." "A guy went through my stuff looking, probably, for MONEY to steal."(He found none, mind you.) And fancy that. All with this anti-consumerism deal going on.

I'm continuing to grow into this process and see where I'm headed. These issues with money seem to have a lot to do with trust and communication. I've felt betrayed in some cases and disrespected in others. But this is not about the things I can see. This goes beyond that to something far less tangible and much more difficult to grasp.

I don't trust God to take care of my needs. I say I do. I "let go and let God", if you will. But when it comes to things like this, I'm holdin' on for dear life. I'm gonna get what I'm entitled to, end of story. You will respect me. You will give me what you say you will. You will pay me the money you owe me. You will get your hands off my stuff.

But God doesn't always work that way. It is up to me to choose. I can act out of love or fear. I can chose to let God be in control of all these people whom I feel have wronged me to some degree or I can completely wear myself out trying to take control of it all. I have times in my life where I will verbatim think "I am just really out of control right now." Maybe if I would let God have the role of control in my life, like I say I let Him, then I would feel this way far less frequently.

I have to trust I'm being taught something through all this. I have to trust God is in control of what's happening. Growing up, my mom and dad used to tell me "Let so-n-so take care of so-n-so, you take care of you." I did not realize how much of a theme this would be in my life. I am not responsible for other people's decisions but I am responsible for my response to it.

So on day 5 of this conscious effort to find a new relationship with money, I'm finding that my relationship with God needs to grow in the area of trust. I need to rid myself of the burden of trying to get everything in line and in order: monetarily or otherwise. Only 25 more days to go, but I feel this is a lifelong journey.

update

I don't have a lot to say today, so I'll just update because i said I would.

Day 4.
Slept most of the day. It's amazing how few things you need when you sleep the day away.
This honestly gets easier as the days go by.

I underestimated my greed and neediness. I thought I'd grown beyond this but maybe it was just on the surface. I'm glad (or really hate) to be able to get to the bottom of this.

Maybe something more interesting will happen tomorrow!

My White Horse

Day 3.

It's Sunday and it's a darn good thing. I headed off to church today, to learn a bit more about what Dave had to say about Revelation. We worked through chapters 6-8 and it was a bit more than I anticipated. I've really been enjoying this book and was excited to learn some more this morning.

Chapter 6 begins by talking about a White Horse. Now to be honest, I always thought this White Horse meant Jesus. (Go read it. I don't have the emotional energy to get into it right now). But we went with the assumption that this White Horse means a deceiver, someone posing as Jesus.

We continued on through 3 chapters, total, yet I was fixated on the first 2 verses we discussed.

I'm deceived.

I live in a world of deception.

I have been SO mad this whole time at consumerism. At our culture. At American Society. What I'm learning is that that is not the problem: I am. I got to thinking about all the things I wanted. What I mostly wanted was some clothes. Maybe a new dress or a pair of jeans or something. (Follow me here). A nice new outfit to cover the nakedness I would be without it. The point being I am not okay with being stripped down to only me.

I want to run out and grab a new outfit, just to feel good about myself. Had too much to eat this weekend? Grab a new shirt. You'll feel better. Feeling like you haven't lost all your baby weight? Grab a new pair of jeans. You'll feel better.

This consumerism thing. The thing I'm fighting. It's not about anybody else. It's about me. I'm my own white horse. I'm deceiving myself into thinking I'm not good enough. What's worse is that I'm convincing myself that buying things will make me feel better. Will make me appear better.

So that's where I am today. Beginning to see (though I think I already knew) that at this point, consumerism isn't the problem: it's my response to it. I give it. I buy into the "you need it" philosophy of life. Until I get beyond that, nothing in my life will change. I need to learn to be okay with me and stop covering it with a new outfit or a new possession. I'm more than that and my purpose goes beyond it.

It seems this consumerism idea is consuming me.

Will Rogers and His Famous Alarm Clock

"It seems kind of funny with everyone being advised to spend and the government spending everything, it seems kind of funny to save a little daylight nowadays."-Will Rogers, 1935, speaking of daylight savings time.

I'm on Day 2 of my journey. And it's simultaneously becoming both simpler and more complex. In February when I chose not to buy anything new, I hadn't told anyone. Plus I kind of had Consumer-Christmas hangover, so I was ready for a change. Now, 2 months later after having traveled the high road of spending, I'm finding it hard to come down from the self-induced high spending can produce. I spent my day today trying to figure out, once again, what I could go buy. While at Value Village last night, I picked up a set of curtains from Ikea that were around 4 bucks. I, oddly enough, got buyers remorse and put them back. I quickly recanted and rushed back today to get them, only to find them gone! *Gasp*

Can you believe it? Somebody bought my damn curtains. Honestly, I heaved a sigh of relief. I felt as thought I'd unintentionally been relieved the burden of owning yet another unnecessary item. I felt like an addict. Like I'd taken my sobriety one day at a time "just for today" and left it at that so that "just for today" I could go back and own something else. In a house of fabric, I obsessed over those curtains. I talked about them to friends. I drove across town to buy them. I felt the intensity as I rushed to the back of the store to see if they were, in fact, where I'd left them the night previous.

They weren't.

I'm beginning to see my problem here. Delayed gratification is not a reality in my world. New or old, I just want it. $4 or $40, I just want it. I can justify anything and I mean ANYTHING. I NEEDED those cloth napkins I bought last night (no mention of the 20ish I already own for my family of 4). I NEEDED another glass juice container in spite of the 2 I already own (no mention of the container juice actually comes in).

Madonna and her cone boobs were right. We really are living in a material world, at least as far as our attitudes and perspectives are concerned. Philosophers said it centuries ago. Jesus, too. The more you have, the more you realize you want, no, need.

There is a lot of wisdom in Will Roger's 1930's comedy concerning human nature and spending. Our government tells us to spend. "The recession is over", they say. "Go out and spend!" Advertisers tell us how much better our lives will be when we buy the shit they have for sell. Our friends and family advise us "Oh, you deserve it. You work hard. Go buy it!" We tell ourselves "I'll save next month..."

But who is really benefitting here? It seems to me we're just ending up tucked away in our suburbs and subdivisions, storing things away, to prove to ourselves and others that we're good enough to own things. Where is our worth? Where do we find our gratification? When will we learn to wait? Or even more- to do without?

I'm hoping I can learn to do the latter. Until tomorrow...

"Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want to impress people they don't like."-- Will Rogers

April Fool.

Let me tell you how I think. Or at least how I've learned to think or have been conditioned to think: I want stuff. Now. "Don't care how, I want it now." Good ol' Veruca Salt complex. And we all know how she ended up- a bad egg.

I woke up this morning thinking about all I wanted. Seriously. I did. I don't know where this is coming from. Maybe because I said I wouldn't buy anything. Maybe because I really am, in fact, just that greedy. The things I determined I HAD to have today were:

-iPhone

-Easter dress for my kid (seriously?)

-frames for various things in my house

-outdoor/patio table

-canopy for back yard

-more Charlie Brown stuff for Wilek's birthday party (I know it's 5 months away)

And that was just today. I am proud to say, though, that I went ALMOST all day without spending money. I'm kind of ticked, though, that that is an accomplishment and more-so that I did not even fully accomplish anything. I bought no food, no gas, no coffee (though my sweet friend Lisa treated me to a cup anyway). I really had to think this through, though. I cannot tell you how contingent my days are on spending money. I just do not really know how to go a day without doing it.

I almost made it the whole day when, at 8:45 on the way home from KM, I decided to feed my addiction and stop at Value Village. I know it's all old, so technically I'm keeping my resolution. And I only spent $8.45, which is clearly not a fortune. But I came to my problem. It's not about the money; it's the motivation.

What is driving me? I just couldn't keep myself from it. I thought of all the things they may just have that I may just need that may just be cheap enough for me to maybe use later. I mean, it WAS within my deal and it WAS inexpensive and I CAN put what i got to good use. See the desperation? It is kind of sickening. It wasn't that I went out and bought a ton. It was the fact that I was not content enough to go one full day buying nothing at all.

And that was my experience for today. I honestly am beginning to believe that the next 29 days are going to be more than I bargained for. To be continued...