Three similari-ish things have happened to me in the course of a few days. I had a hard time putting it all together until my sweet friend Lisa and I had a little talk.
1-I found a killer empty spot at the balcony at Amos' on Sunday night. Some (super rude and old) guy comes up and asks me if he can have his spot back. I promptly tell him no and explain to him just why I would not move. We had, in fact, paid the same ticket price for the general admission show and, considering this is not 3rd grade and he did not "call the balcony", I chose to stay right where I was, nestled up to said rude man for 2-ish hours.
2-In our lease agreement, we are not responsible for our yard until our landlord provides us with a building for our lawn equipment. Our yard is currently a disaster. Long story short, I can't pin down a time with her when someone will come here to clean this disaster up so my children can play in our back yard (which is, in fact, included in our rent). Oh, and I paid some kid $40 to do it and he never showed back up. (Stupidstupidstupid!)
3-An unnamed individual has an unpaid bill from over a year ago in MY name, which is now in collections, which I received in the mail Monday and said individual REFUSES to answer any type of correspondence. The list goes on with this person but I will stop at that for my emotions' sake.
Oh wait. I mean 4.
4-Last Thursday, Ryan called as he was taking Thing 1 to preschool and asked if I'd recently gone through my glove box. I said "no". He then asked if I'd left my passenger door open the night previous. I said "no". Oh. So. You mean that as I'm crafting to my little heart's content and hanging out with my kids as my husband works, some a-hole is going through my car in an attempt to take things from me? Really? REALLY? (No, mom, I know you are reading this. I do not live in a bad neighborhood)
I have been stewing like pot roast about all of these issues. I've felt lately like I am just tired of being taken advantage of and being walked all over. I mean , I do a lot. I raise kids. I do stuff for the community. I keep a pretty stellar house. I do not deserve any of this stuff to be happening to me! It is irritating and gets on my nerves! But after the first few things happened, I began to realize that it probably wasn't by accident.
As I talked it out with Lisa, I began to see that these things had one thing in common: money. "I PAID the same amount of a ticket." "I PAY rent and deserve a good yard to show for it (especially because it's in the lease)." "I OWE money because of some inconsiderate guy we tried to help out." "A guy went through my stuff looking, probably, for MONEY to steal."(He found none, mind you.) And fancy that. All with this anti-consumerism deal going on.
I'm continuing to grow into this process and see where I'm headed. These issues with money seem to have a lot to do with trust and communication. I've felt betrayed in some cases and disrespected in others. But this is not about the things I can see. This goes beyond that to something far less tangible and much more difficult to grasp.
I don't trust God to take care of my needs. I say I do. I "let go and let God", if you will. But when it comes to things like this, I'm holdin' on for dear life. I'm gonna get what I'm entitled to, end of story. You will respect me. You will give me what you say you will. You will pay me the money you owe me. You will get your hands off my stuff.
But God doesn't always work that way. It is up to me to choose. I can act out of love or fear. I can chose to let God be in control of all these people whom I feel have wronged me to some degree or I can completely wear myself out trying to take control of it all. I have times in my life where I will verbatim think "I am just really out of control right now." Maybe if I would let God have the role of control in my life, like I say I let Him, then I would feel this way far less frequently.
I have to trust I'm being taught something through all this. I have to trust God is in control of what's happening. Growing up, my mom and dad used to tell me "Let so-n-so take care of so-n-so, you take care of you." I did not realize how much of a theme this would be in my life. I am not responsible for other people's decisions but I am responsible for my response to it.
So on day 5 of this conscious effort to find a new relationship with money, I'm finding that my relationship with God needs to grow in the area of trust. I need to rid myself of the burden of trying to get everything in line and in order: monetarily or otherwise. Only 25 more days to go, but I feel this is a lifelong journey.
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