At about 2 weeks in, I began leave the house. Alone. For at least an hour. Magical? Miracle? Call it what you will but it is no less than beautiful. So as I went on my lonely journey this morning, I took some time to think about some things.
I drove my stir-crazy self to Smelly Cat for a nice iced coffee and a muffin. It was a beautiful and I mean BEAUTIFUL morning. So, I sat outside and flipped through a left-behind issue of "Natural Awakening" magazine, followed by day 14 of our church's 40-day book. After reading an article in the magazine about pivotal tattoos and thinking about the meaning of my "freedom" tattoo (all the while feeling bound), I read the day's topic. It wasn't so much the topic, which I believe was "God's calling for your life", that got me to thinking as much as it was just having a small amount of alone time with God. I sat in silence for a bit after reading and enjoyed being alone. I allowed my thoughts to go in whichever direction they took me. I began to think about Adalai. I thought how nice it would be to bring her with me next time to sit outside with some sidewalk chalk and draw while I sat, sipping coffee. I thought about how much she would enjoy being outside. I thought about our upcoming family roadtrip. Then I thought about my attitude toward her lately.
In an ideal world, Adalai would listen to me consistently. She would not attempt to step on baby brother. She would not yell at her preschool teacher on the 3rd day... 4 times. She would play with only one toy at a time and promptly clean her mess. She would wipe her mouth after eating. She would lay down quietly at both naptime and bedtime. She would potty alone and allow me the same courtesy. She would enjoy the snacks I prepared for her. She would abide by all the household rules without need for reminders. I'm pretty sure you get the picture.
My child has a large, be it ever so beautiful, personality and it is often one that is hard to contain. It is one with which I am familiar because I, too, share it. I've been trying to pinpoint the issue I've had in this transitional period. "Do I not have enough room in my heart for 2 kids?" Well, yeah, I guess I do. "Do I not have enough room in my day to parent 2 kids?" 24 hours is my only option, so guess I've got to work with it. "Am I just simply not cut out for this?" Too late to play that card. And then, sitting outside on this glorious morning, I finally put my finger on it: Micromanagement. That's it! That's what I'm doing wrong.
So, I got up and went for a walk. An intended mile or so walk that turned in to almost 4. I had a lot to work out emotionally and mentally. Adalai has a spectacular personality. God knew it from the very beginning. And I, as her mother, have failed in the past few months at letting it be what it is. I had to face reality.
As a mother, it is not my job to control. It is not my job to change. It is not even my job to break habits. It is my job to love. It is my job to guide. It is my job to teach. When I begin taking her sassy little attitude personally, I begin to get myself into trouble. I realized I have had far too high of expectations. I mean come on, Liz. The kid just turned 3 AND she suddenly has to share mommy and daddy. She's going through a lot, too.
My dream world prompts me to see Adalai as a quiet-natured-play-in-the-floor kind-of-kid. And she's just not. And never has been. Why am I treating this like it's a bad thing? God has given her an amazing personality with amazing potential and he has given me strength (if I'll accept it) to parent. A few influential people in my life have told me at separate times that "God has given YOU your children for a reason. There is no one in the world more capable of parenting them than you." What fantastic words of wisdom.
So my hope is that my reality becomes one in which I embrace the chaos, because it is practically inevitable. My hope is that I embrace God's grace and the learning curve for new moms. My hope is that I can find support in other people who have had similar experiences in child rearing. And my hope is that I begin supporting Adalai for who she is and extend to her the love which I would like extended to me.
Parenting is a journey. We intend it to be a nice stroll and often times it ends up being a hike. We have our dreams, and then we wake up (often multiple times in a night). But walk or hike, sleep or insomnia, it's a journey that takes us from who we are to who we are intended to be. So, I'm strapping on my backpack, I'm grabbing my boots and I'm in this sucker for the longhaul.
