I'll go with the last one, please. One thing I never, and I mean NEVER, wanted to do with my kids was yell out of anger. Maybe yell into a pillow or yell into the sky, but never yell AT my kid. And today, I did. Not only did I yell, but I yelled the "shut-up" word. There are times where I feel I can take no more of the "No, mommy, I'm not going to do that" attitude, or the "No mommy, I'm not going to sleep". I honestly feel like I am at the end of my rope sometimes!
Being as massively pregnant as I am, I feel like I should be sitting inside, in the peace and quiet with my feet propped up, in order to relax as much as to avoid swelling. I should be folding little baby clothes and feeling the peace of allowing my body to do one of the things it was made to do. I should feel joyous and excited and full of grateful anticipation of this little baby that will be here soon and the little gal I've already got.
Those are all the things that SHOULD be happening. What's really going on? 1-Well, my husband has been working like a MAD MAN for the past 2 weeks because of restaurant week, leaving me feeling like a single mom. 2-Half the time, I forget I'm even having a baby. It just feels like I have some sort of chronic illness that causes irritability and waddling. 3- Throw silence out the window. Heck, throw make-up, hairspray, pants and toenail clippers on out, too.
I just don't get how some women do it. My honest feeling and recurring thought is "I am more excited for this pregnancy to be over than to have another child. I can hardly handle 1. What in the WORLD am I going to do with 2?" I am looking so forward to the day where I can leave both kids with Ryan and go out for a run... and maybe just not come back. At least for a few hours.
So, I'm exchanging all my would-be, should-be excitement for a life of anxiety and cabin-fever. I know this too shall pass. I know it won't be like this forever. But in the meantime, I am seriously a basket-case.
Tonight, as I was laying Adalai to bed (Yes, it is 8:40 and yes, apparently God has heard my cry), I told her that sometimes, people get frustrated and yell and that mommy shouldn't yell when she's frustrated. And I told her I was sorry and that I would do my part to show patience and that I needed her to do her part and listen when I tell her it's naptime. And she says "Well mommy, you don't have to get frustrated. You just have to put me back in the bed." Oh, the wisdom of children. In a way, it was kind of soothing. She is right. So the moral of all this?
Life is what it is. And it is what you make it. I am honestly not trying to make myself miserable, believe me. But I am longing so much for this stage in life to be over that I am not seeing things logically. (Have I mentioned my weight? Because that's another area of this rationality that I lost sight of as quickly as I lost sight of my toes). I honestly don't expect to wake up in the morning and be "Susie Homemaker Supermom". I owe it to myself to at least be realistic and to own how I'm feeling. But I also owe it to my family (mainly my little girl) to "not get frustrated and just put her back in bed" in all things; to just take a deep breath and accept my life for where it is and what it is, realize I can't control everything, and, heck, maybe even choose to enjoy it instead of wishing these beautiful (ok, we'll at least say decent) moments away.
No comments:
Post a Comment