Day Five

Ok, follow me here. I'm not sure what this has to do with consumerism, but I think there is a general theme. (Again, I may or may not look like a jerk after you read this. So if you want to keep liking me, assuming that you already do, catch me back tomorrow and forget this post ever existed.)

Three similari-ish things have happened to me in the course of a few days. I had a hard time putting it all together until my sweet friend Lisa and I had a little talk.

1-I found a killer empty spot at the balcony at Amos' on Sunday night. Some (super rude and old) guy comes up and asks me if he can have his spot back. I promptly tell him no and explain to him just why I would not move. We had, in fact, paid the same ticket price for the general admission show and, considering this is not 3rd grade and he did not "call the balcony", I chose to stay right where I was, nestled up to said rude man for 2-ish hours.

2-In our lease agreement, we are not responsible for our yard until our landlord provides us with a building for our lawn equipment. Our yard is currently a disaster. Long story short, I can't pin down a time with her when someone will come here to clean this disaster up so my children can play in our back yard (which is, in fact, included in our rent). Oh, and I paid some kid $40 to do it and he never showed back up. (Stupidstupidstupid!)

3-An unnamed individual has an unpaid bill from over a year ago in MY name, which is now in collections, which I received in the mail Monday and said individual REFUSES to answer any type of correspondence. The list goes on with this person but I will stop at that for my emotions' sake.

Oh wait. I mean 4.

4-Last Thursday, Ryan called as he was taking Thing 1 to preschool and asked if I'd recently gone through my glove box. I said "no". He then asked if I'd left my passenger door open the night previous. I said "no". Oh. So. You mean that as I'm crafting to my little heart's content and hanging out with my kids as my husband works, some a-hole is going through my car in an attempt to take things from me? Really? REALLY? (No, mom, I know you are reading this. I do not live in a bad neighborhood)

I have been stewing like pot roast about all of these issues. I've felt lately like I am just tired of being taken advantage of and being walked all over. I mean , I do a lot. I raise kids. I do stuff for the community. I keep a pretty stellar house. I do not deserve any of this stuff to be happening to me! It is irritating and gets on my nerves! But after the first few things happened, I began to realize that it probably wasn't by accident.

As I talked it out with Lisa, I began to see that these things had one thing in common: money. "I PAID the same amount of a ticket." "I PAY rent and deserve a good yard to show for it (especially because it's in the lease)." "I OWE money because of some inconsiderate guy we tried to help out." "A guy went through my stuff looking, probably, for MONEY to steal."(He found none, mind you.) And fancy that. All with this anti-consumerism deal going on.

I'm continuing to grow into this process and see where I'm headed. These issues with money seem to have a lot to do with trust and communication. I've felt betrayed in some cases and disrespected in others. But this is not about the things I can see. This goes beyond that to something far less tangible and much more difficult to grasp.

I don't trust God to take care of my needs. I say I do. I "let go and let God", if you will. But when it comes to things like this, I'm holdin' on for dear life. I'm gonna get what I'm entitled to, end of story. You will respect me. You will give me what you say you will. You will pay me the money you owe me. You will get your hands off my stuff.

But God doesn't always work that way. It is up to me to choose. I can act out of love or fear. I can chose to let God be in control of all these people whom I feel have wronged me to some degree or I can completely wear myself out trying to take control of it all. I have times in my life where I will verbatim think "I am just really out of control right now." Maybe if I would let God have the role of control in my life, like I say I let Him, then I would feel this way far less frequently.

I have to trust I'm being taught something through all this. I have to trust God is in control of what's happening. Growing up, my mom and dad used to tell me "Let so-n-so take care of so-n-so, you take care of you." I did not realize how much of a theme this would be in my life. I am not responsible for other people's decisions but I am responsible for my response to it.

So on day 5 of this conscious effort to find a new relationship with money, I'm finding that my relationship with God needs to grow in the area of trust. I need to rid myself of the burden of trying to get everything in line and in order: monetarily or otherwise. Only 25 more days to go, but I feel this is a lifelong journey.

update

I don't have a lot to say today, so I'll just update because i said I would.

Day 4.
Slept most of the day. It's amazing how few things you need when you sleep the day away.
This honestly gets easier as the days go by.

I underestimated my greed and neediness. I thought I'd grown beyond this but maybe it was just on the surface. I'm glad (or really hate) to be able to get to the bottom of this.

Maybe something more interesting will happen tomorrow!

My White Horse

Day 3.

It's Sunday and it's a darn good thing. I headed off to church today, to learn a bit more about what Dave had to say about Revelation. We worked through chapters 6-8 and it was a bit more than I anticipated. I've really been enjoying this book and was excited to learn some more this morning.

Chapter 6 begins by talking about a White Horse. Now to be honest, I always thought this White Horse meant Jesus. (Go read it. I don't have the emotional energy to get into it right now). But we went with the assumption that this White Horse means a deceiver, someone posing as Jesus.

We continued on through 3 chapters, total, yet I was fixated on the first 2 verses we discussed.

I'm deceived.

I live in a world of deception.

I have been SO mad this whole time at consumerism. At our culture. At American Society. What I'm learning is that that is not the problem: I am. I got to thinking about all the things I wanted. What I mostly wanted was some clothes. Maybe a new dress or a pair of jeans or something. (Follow me here). A nice new outfit to cover the nakedness I would be without it. The point being I am not okay with being stripped down to only me.

I want to run out and grab a new outfit, just to feel good about myself. Had too much to eat this weekend? Grab a new shirt. You'll feel better. Feeling like you haven't lost all your baby weight? Grab a new pair of jeans. You'll feel better.

This consumerism thing. The thing I'm fighting. It's not about anybody else. It's about me. I'm my own white horse. I'm deceiving myself into thinking I'm not good enough. What's worse is that I'm convincing myself that buying things will make me feel better. Will make me appear better.

So that's where I am today. Beginning to see (though I think I already knew) that at this point, consumerism isn't the problem: it's my response to it. I give it. I buy into the "you need it" philosophy of life. Until I get beyond that, nothing in my life will change. I need to learn to be okay with me and stop covering it with a new outfit or a new possession. I'm more than that and my purpose goes beyond it.

It seems this consumerism idea is consuming me.

Will Rogers and His Famous Alarm Clock

"It seems kind of funny with everyone being advised to spend and the government spending everything, it seems kind of funny to save a little daylight nowadays."-Will Rogers, 1935, speaking of daylight savings time.

I'm on Day 2 of my journey. And it's simultaneously becoming both simpler and more complex. In February when I chose not to buy anything new, I hadn't told anyone. Plus I kind of had Consumer-Christmas hangover, so I was ready for a change. Now, 2 months later after having traveled the high road of spending, I'm finding it hard to come down from the self-induced high spending can produce. I spent my day today trying to figure out, once again, what I could go buy. While at Value Village last night, I picked up a set of curtains from Ikea that were around 4 bucks. I, oddly enough, got buyers remorse and put them back. I quickly recanted and rushed back today to get them, only to find them gone! *Gasp*

Can you believe it? Somebody bought my damn curtains. Honestly, I heaved a sigh of relief. I felt as thought I'd unintentionally been relieved the burden of owning yet another unnecessary item. I felt like an addict. Like I'd taken my sobriety one day at a time "just for today" and left it at that so that "just for today" I could go back and own something else. In a house of fabric, I obsessed over those curtains. I talked about them to friends. I drove across town to buy them. I felt the intensity as I rushed to the back of the store to see if they were, in fact, where I'd left them the night previous.

They weren't.

I'm beginning to see my problem here. Delayed gratification is not a reality in my world. New or old, I just want it. $4 or $40, I just want it. I can justify anything and I mean ANYTHING. I NEEDED those cloth napkins I bought last night (no mention of the 20ish I already own for my family of 4). I NEEDED another glass juice container in spite of the 2 I already own (no mention of the container juice actually comes in).

Madonna and her cone boobs were right. We really are living in a material world, at least as far as our attitudes and perspectives are concerned. Philosophers said it centuries ago. Jesus, too. The more you have, the more you realize you want, no, need.

There is a lot of wisdom in Will Roger's 1930's comedy concerning human nature and spending. Our government tells us to spend. "The recession is over", they say. "Go out and spend!" Advertisers tell us how much better our lives will be when we buy the shit they have for sell. Our friends and family advise us "Oh, you deserve it. You work hard. Go buy it!" We tell ourselves "I'll save next month..."

But who is really benefitting here? It seems to me we're just ending up tucked away in our suburbs and subdivisions, storing things away, to prove to ourselves and others that we're good enough to own things. Where is our worth? Where do we find our gratification? When will we learn to wait? Or even more- to do without?

I'm hoping I can learn to do the latter. Until tomorrow...

"Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want to impress people they don't like."-- Will Rogers

April Fool.

Let me tell you how I think. Or at least how I've learned to think or have been conditioned to think: I want stuff. Now. "Don't care how, I want it now." Good ol' Veruca Salt complex. And we all know how she ended up- a bad egg.

I woke up this morning thinking about all I wanted. Seriously. I did. I don't know where this is coming from. Maybe because I said I wouldn't buy anything. Maybe because I really am, in fact, just that greedy. The things I determined I HAD to have today were:

-iPhone

-Easter dress for my kid (seriously?)

-frames for various things in my house

-outdoor/patio table

-canopy for back yard

-more Charlie Brown stuff for Wilek's birthday party (I know it's 5 months away)

And that was just today. I am proud to say, though, that I went ALMOST all day without spending money. I'm kind of ticked, though, that that is an accomplishment and more-so that I did not even fully accomplish anything. I bought no food, no gas, no coffee (though my sweet friend Lisa treated me to a cup anyway). I really had to think this through, though. I cannot tell you how contingent my days are on spending money. I just do not really know how to go a day without doing it.

I almost made it the whole day when, at 8:45 on the way home from KM, I decided to feed my addiction and stop at Value Village. I know it's all old, so technically I'm keeping my resolution. And I only spent $8.45, which is clearly not a fortune. But I came to my problem. It's not about the money; it's the motivation.

What is driving me? I just couldn't keep myself from it. I thought of all the things they may just have that I may just need that may just be cheap enough for me to maybe use later. I mean, it WAS within my deal and it WAS inexpensive and I CAN put what i got to good use. See the desperation? It is kind of sickening. It wasn't that I went out and bought a ton. It was the fact that I was not content enough to go one full day buying nothing at all.

And that was my experience for today. I honestly am beginning to believe that the next 29 days are going to be more than I bargained for. To be continued...

Consumerism and all that it entails.

Let me just candidly tell you about my past 2 months. I know people don't LOVE to talk about money, the same way they don't LOVE to talk about their weight. So, I'll get into at least one of these taboo subjects in the next few paragraphs or so.

The month of February was a type of social experiment for me. I chose to go the entire month and buy absolutely nothing new. If I needed anything and Value Village or Salvation Army didn't have it, I just went without until it showed up on the shelves. It was amazing, actually. Like a treasure hunt. It made what I owned all that much more valuable. As we all know, the 28 days of February went by very quickly.

I had chosen to take this route because of my involvement with the Free Store here in Charlotte. I see people come through each week, with such a sense of urgency. They have next-to-nothing yet someone has instilled in them (and in us all) that we NEED something. Anything. Just get it. Grab it. As fast as you can before it gets gone and then you'll do without. I understand basic needs (such as socks/underwear, warm coats, food, etc...) but became bombarded with the thought of our NEED for so much more.

In addition to seeing this urgency in people's eyes, I also began to see things being stripped of their value- and I say this as a positive change. Banana Republic and Janie & Jack clothing laying on a shelf next to Faded Glory all for the same price: nothing. What's the big deal? Someone spent $45+ on each item, got tired of it or decided it wasn't stylish enough, and threw it out. So my thought was: why bother buying anything at all? I mean, what do we really NEED?

I'm ashamed to say, however, that as March has come and gone, I have found myself back in the pit of consumerism and maybe even more-so than before. I have been to Wal-Mart (a place I'd been once in the past 3 years), Ikea 4 times (and currently have a car-full of crap from there) and have had my hand at Target and *gasp* Concord Mills. It almost feels disgusting. And to be honest, I felt like an addict. I rushed in, grabbed what I could, and couldn't wait to come home and put it all in a closet. There. I did it. I own some shit now. Cute shit. Good shit. If I want to, I can go look at it. I can try it on. I can hold it up to a mirror and smile at myself. I can carry a bag and play whatever part it is I've given myself. I did it. I gave in.

So those are 2 very contrasting months. I have to say that my March Madness made me feel much more "in need" than my February ever did. Buying nothing new, I felt free. I felt able to spend more time and effort on what matters. I was resourceful. I produced less household waste.

Oddly enough, all day I've had Madonna's "Material Girl" in my head. As catchy as the ol' dig is, I really believe I became just that. In philosophy, we're taught that in the Materialism school-of-thought that "what you see is all there is. If it is not in material form, it does not exist." And I spent the better part of a month chasing only that which I could see. And I am disgusted with myself.

God tells us with good reason "You can't serve God and money." And you can't. You only have emotional energy to be consumed with one or the other. They cannot coincide.

We're working through "Anti-Consumerism April" starting tomorrow. And I know it's not "the man's" fault that I bought all the crap that I did. And I know it goes beyond buying and into being. That is the journey I'm hoping to take this month. In 2 months, I've gone from 1 extreme to the other (to the extent that my mother asked if my husband got a raise. No, mother, I just got greedy). I'd like to take this month to become grounded again in life's TRUE necessities. Feel free to journey with me.

To be healed...

So this morning I caught the tail-end of the conversation at the Free Store. Our friend, Gary, was sharing about a man he knew who was a "serpentine" (or something along those lines. Please keep in mind I came in at the end :)...) The story's summary is that the guy worked with snakes and would systematically inject himself with small amounts of venom in enough increments to where he had developed immunities to the multiple types of snakes he worked with. A while after this, an individual he knew was bitten by a snake and had no anti-venom nor a way to combat his wound. The guy flies to his friend was and is allowed somehow to have his blood injected into his friend, thus healing him and saving his life.

That's some pretty powerful blood.

As we continue talking, our friend Paul, begins to speak on how frequently we pray for miracles, not realizing we're sitting on one everyday. He speaks of a book that takes pages and pages to describe the complex process of the healing process your body goes through when you, for instance, knick yourself while shaving. The blood rushes to the wound, and immediately goes to work to, in essence, heal itself.

That's some pretty powerful blood.

Now, praying for healing is a dangerous thing, much like praying for patience. You pray for patience, you get trying situations. You pray for healing, and, well, you get wounded. We often don't see our miraculous emotional and spiritual healings until we are first hurt and wounded.

So, for me, lately I've been feeling "off". Like something just wasn't right. There had been a lot of bitterness and anger in some aspects of my life. I courageously began to pray for healing, understanding it was an often painful process. Through this prayer, I found myself back in 8th grade, (a scary time for everyone), to an situation I had all but forgotten about.

Sometimes, I realized, things happen to us that inadvertently shape who we will become. We have no control over it. I realized I had let one lie control everything I had become. As I prayed through this healing, I realized the growth could not have come without the pain. The healing could not have come without the acceptance.

As Gary shared of the man with the anti-venom blood's healing ability for his friend, we learn how we can be this for others. The man injected himself with venom little by little, which was painful and uncomfortable. As time went on, the doses became stronger. He also thought it was solely for himself- to allow himself to combat a potential attack. What he found, instead, was that this blood of his was not only good for himself and his own healing, but for others suffering the same types of attacks.

So our wounds and our healings are not just for us. Paul also mentioned that as we are looking for these miracles, we forget that we have the power within us to heal. God has given it to us. This blood flows through our veins. If he is our healer, and he is in us, we are never alone and are never without our Great Physician (both spiritually and physically). You kind of come to accept that there is a greater purpose behing everything, you just have to be willing to let yourself go there.

*Dedicated to my Best Friend/life partner Jamie Smith, who heals me more than she knows*