Happier

I don't read "as much as I should".  Not really sure how much I think I should be reading while maintaining a marriage, 2 kids, a household, a job, and myself, but I always think I could do it "more".  So the other week, to meet this goal of "more", I ordered a few books off AddAll, which is a great resource for buying to lowest priced used books.  I typically see books I'd like to own, make a list, and order them off this site.  After receiving them in the mail, I determine myself to read a few pages a day, or at least most days.  One book that I am reading through currently is Happier at Home by Gretchen Rubin.  This is a spin-off of her book, The Happiness Project.  In this book she takes a look at her home and for 9 months, with one project per month, determines to make her home a happier place.

It's not a blanket-statement happiness.  It's more a "what's right for me" happiness.  She organizes her office and frames some photos, she focuses on her marriage and how to love her husband, she learns how to have loving yet difficult conversations with her parents and work more closely with her sister.  And she does it all in ways that are true to who she is, as opposed to who she thinks she should be.

As I think through this concept and it's applicability into my own life, I decided that a great way to start, for me, is by thinking of what does not make me happy at home.

This may seem counterintuitive to some, what with the age-old concept of "accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative".  This concept can be made a reality, but truly only if you focus it inward and not outward.  You cannot make negative events cease to exist and you cannot bottle and serve only the finest, happiest of moments on a daily basis.  Eventually, even with the most positive of attitudes: life happens.

I love and live in a fantastic neighborhood called Villa Heights.  It is south of Noda and a few blocks up from Plaza Midwood and Belmont.  We chose this neighborhood because it is quiet (or at least quiet enough), slow-paced, and priced considerably lower than the aforementioned communities.  Living in this neighborhood certainly has it's perks: small and close community organization, nice and caring neighbors, a few parks and empty parking lots for playing and bike-riding.

But like any other neighborhood, it has it's fair share of difficult people and circumstances.  I have spent a considerable amount of time in this neck of the woods attempting to "accentuate the positive."  It's been quite easy, actually.  Happiness abounds if you choose to look for it.  From time to time, however, something will come up that makes you rethink your approach.  I've had 2 of these instances in the past week.

My first issue happened as the kids and I were taking a stroll around the block- if those things actually exist in Charlotte.  As we were slowly moving up the road a few streets over, an elderly neighbor stood at her door, yelling at me in front of the kids, using some really harsh language (especially for an old lady) about picking up the poop our dog had dropped.  Oh.  Hm.  Interesting considering we have not had a dog since we lived in this neighborhood.  I was then instructed to "move my ass on up the street".    Messaged received, lady.

My 5-year-old was terrified, my 2-year-old was indifferent and I was livid.  We have done all we could to stay at peace with those in our community.  We have worked hard by allowing neighborhood kids to be at our house at times daily, by joining the community organization, and by staying in close relationships with many in our neighborhood.  We took other "drastic" measures by leaving our old church and choosing to invest more in our relationships in closer vicinity to us.  I took a job (or rather was granted a job) 3 blocks from our house.  I have relationships with officers, investors and business owners in our neighborhoods.  I've been very active, dammit, it making this home of ours very happy.

My second issue happened just this afternoon.  As I'm sitting being all kinds of domestic teaching my daughter to stitch while my son fights over sand toys outside with his best bud, I receive a knock at the door.  That is pretty typical, considering our friendship with our neighbors, who often drop by simply to remind us of trash day or to tell us they will be out of town.  Surprisingly, I was greeted by code enforcement, who I assumed was stopping by to see if we had any complaints or to update us on anything going on within the neighborhood because of my work with the community organization.  Instead, he informed me that someone had filed a complaint because of the stench of our compost.  He pointed next door, where we have a new neighbor, and said he assumed it had been him.

Mr. Carl.  Who I know.  Who currently has a pepper, tomato and squash plant that we gave him growing in his back yard.  Who's loud 90's model Dodge wakes me up daily at 4:30am as he leaves for work. Who we have welcomed with open arms to our street.

(Before I continue, I must say that I am not 100% sure it was Mr. Carl, as I have not seen him today to inquire.)

With these 2 minor yet frustrating events taking place, I gratefully realized that these are not common occurrences in our neighborhood.  I have multiple friends, even a few streets over, who have constant complaints about "bad neighbors".  It shocks me when I hear and honestly makes me uneasy.  I grew up in a small town where we knew and loved our neighbors and my mom often made dinner and dessert for anyone she could. Understandably, the thought of living unhappily with neighbors is genuinely upsetting.

So how do I get rid of these things that do not make me happy?  I could move- but that's like getting a divorce and jumping into a new dysfunctional marriage.  I could report my neighbor's truck or other neighbor's dogs- but that's the same as what happened to us.  I could stand on my porch yelling at all passersby to "move their ass on"- but that would ultimately cause me unhappiness and make me lonely and isolated.

The only way, as I pondered these 2 situations, to eliminate the unhappiness around me is to show kindness and happiness.  I have thought about and hope to purchase a "clean up after pets" sign for the lady a few streets over, maybe even work with the city to get doggie-bag stations up, as this is honestly a recurring problem.  In my emotions and frustration is this the approach I want to take?  No.  Hellllll no.  But I do know it is the only solution that can bring true happiness to me and my family and hopefully to our neighbor.

And with Mr. Carl- who is innocent until proven guilty- I plan on addressing the situation face-to-face.  What I hope to gain through that is creating and cultivating a culture of kind assertiveness where people are able to work through differences and address concerns.  I get it.  Compost stinks.  We just drained the stagnant water about a week ago and have avoided that area of the yard.  It's gross.  I do wish we would have been approached about it by our neighbor, whoever it was.  We would have gladly moved it.  We haven't had a neighbor in that house for almost 2 years.  Of course we weren't thinking of him.  We weren't used to it.  But that's not to say that we are incapable of taking his needs into consideration.

I'm glad my kiddo and I were sitting together when this happened.  I'm glad my good friend Rosa was here.  Otherwise I would have had-and gladly taken- the opportunity to be angry and bitter and uproot his precious plants and throw them right in our beloved compost bin.  But having other people around me, especially my daughter for whom I try to be a good example allowed me a moment to reflect and think "Yeah.  It stinks.  And yeah, I wish someone would have confronted me personally but I have no control over that negative situation. I can only hope my response can be positive."

So, after a long and tedious story, how do I take steps to making my home happy?  I realize my home is not just the spacious 1100 sq. ft. home in which we all 4 reside, thank God.  Nor is it the yard which, thanks to our landscaping company included in our rent, is rarely mowed.  (Another sore subject.)  It's not even the block we live on.  It stretches beyond that to where we walk, work, and play.  It involves the people around us, over whom I have no control.  I hope to utilize these opportunities to accentuate the positive in me and eliminate the negative in me: 2 things that do not come naturally and take a great deal of work.  I've learned through these unhappy situations that have really thrown me off that honestly shit happens.  The lady yelling at me about it and the neighbor who senses a similar smell from our yard can attest to it.  Life isn't always easy but it can be made easier AND happier when we step back and determine ourselves to do what the title of the book has encouraged me to do: be Happier at Home.

Finding Passion

If you know me or know anything about me, you know I'm a mover.  My closest friends know that it's likely upon each visit to our home that I will have rearranged or redecorated at least one room.  Others know I get through life with a to-do list, grocery list, lists of lists, etc... to keep me motivated to get things done and never stop moving.

I haven't really done the whole "career" thing (and frankly don't want to).  I've been a social worker, a nanny, worked at a coffee shop, an antique store, multiple restaurants, and currently a brewery.  I've been a writer, a craft vendor and my husband's photography assistant.  I've volunteered and raised funds for the Free Store, 2 separate preschools and am president of my neighborhood association. I've joined running clubs, mommy groups, and craft guilds.  I've been a homeschool advocate, a magnet advocate and a co-op advocate.  I've been a church-goer, a church-hater, and indifferent.  And I just keep waiting on that one calling to stick.

Until yesterday.

I dropped Ryan off at the airport yesterday morning around 5:45am.  I was actually quite glad to be up and alone, knowing I had roughly 3 hours until my kids were up and moving.  While we normally listen to the Oompa Loompa song, classical music, or 5 Little Monkeys on repeat, I took full advantage of my alone time to listen to NPR.  There was a story about a guy who was looking for his passion, his calling- whatever it was he was made to do.  So, he sat down with some economists and they asked him questions: "Do you want financial success?"  "Are you looking to be more humanitarian and give away the money you make?"  "What does the 50-year-old you want?"

They worked through these questions and I assume they came to a conclusion, but in my mind, I bypassed that part.  The questions and the process was what caught my attention.  What do I want for my life?

I love, love, LOVE going to thrift stores and listening to music- through headphones because good GOD if I have to listen to Katy Perry, followed by Maroon 5, followed by Matchbox 20 ever again, I'm leaving the country- and scrounging through junk to find treasures.  I love yard sales.  I love quiet days where I can sit and draw or write at my dining room table.  I love making vintage gift baskets and greeting cards.

And the natural next step is answering the question: "So what do I do with this?"  I guess I always have this assumption that having a passion equals making a career and finding financial success.  And then I realized I had it all wrong.

When I went to college, good ol' Liberty University- yeah, go on, judge me- I would take classes for all the random pre-reqs and whatever major I just happened to fall into. (Actually, that happened.  Junior year I just saw which major I could pick based on the classes I'd taken and landed on B.S. in Psychology with emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy.)  I remember sitting in a Family Dynamics class early one morning and thinking "Why am I here?  All I want to do is be a mom.  I honestly don't see myself ever 'working' or having a career.  It's not for me."  But, I ignored it, and finished my degree none-the-less.  (While pregnant.  Out of wedlock.  At Liberty.  Suck it.)

I just assumed that that's what you do.  You go to college, you get a job, you live happily ever after.  I kept trying to figure out how to use my skills to build a life for myself.

And that's what I realized yesterday that I'd been doing.  I have been so unbelievably fixated on finding a life path, a passion, that I've been neglected what I'd been called to do all along: be a mom.  Phew.  It was such a relief.

After reading books, such as Peaceable Revolution Through Education, and blogs, such as Boho Baby Bump, and other materials, I have realized that all these other things I'm good at or simply enjoy can be so much more fulfilling if I enjoy them with my children, calmly and peacefully (for the most part).  I can teach them how to make things for others, as my mother taught me.  I can teach them how to find what you're good at and master it.  I can teach them that "success" does not mean a 9-5.

My passion truly is and has to be my children.  What if instead of me chasing and illusive dream and my children following behind me, I stayed beside my kids, working my dreams into parenting?  What if I allowed my children to yell and feel frustrated and help them work through it instead of begging them to sit down and be quiet so mommy can work?  What if I stopped sending them in the backyard alone (all the time, anyway), and went out with them and experienced their world?  What if I let go of myself, just a little, and held on to them more?

It's hard.  Parenting is no damn joke.  Working, staying home, having a mix of both as I do... it's all hard.  Babies, toddlers, school-aged kids, it's all hard.  But it's also beautiful.  I want my passion to be finding that beauty. I want my passion to be intentionally engaging my children in what I'm doing as they engage me in what they are doing.  I want to show them that finding a passion is better when it's shared.  And, heck.  I want to show that to myself as well.

The Things I Do for Free

Well, I'm really not allowed to spend money this month.  So far, it's been gas, groceries and a few pizzas from the Pizza Peel because I was too tired to cook dinner last night.  So that means only 1 thing: a super-easy-super-free Spring Break for the kiddos.

One simple way of being consumerism-free this week has been the child-care exchange.  A good friend of ours keeps our kids while we go to small group and we keep hers during school hours when he's on break. It is amazing that no money has to change hands and we simply get to meet one another's needs where they are.  The thought alone that she would keep my 2 wild ones, for no pay, during breakdown time is phenomenal.

Another way is the activities we have chosen.  Feeling a need to guard myself from a house full of restless toddler/preschoolers, I checked my favorite site, Charlotte on the Cheap to see what all was going on this week.  We found that:

On Tuesday, Ben and Jerry's was hosting a "Free Scoop Day" 12pm-8pm.  And yes, we did arrive at 11:45am, eager for our share.  The kids were stoked and so was I.  I even met a mother who told me her 2 sons were only allowed 1 hour there and at 12:20 when we left, were on scoop #5.  I kid you not.  But, in the spirit of things, we moved on after having only what we needed.  (And we all really really need some ice cream from time to time).

We also spent the earlier part of the morning dying eggs.  As opposed to another PAS egg dye kit, we chose to use what we had: water, vinegar and food coloring (which we only use on super special occasions!). 

EGG DYE:

1 cup white/apple cider vinegar (we buy white in bulk and use for cleaning and other projects)

1 1/2 teaspoon (or more) food coloring

1 1/2 cup hot water

 The eggs we dyed came from our chickens and numbered 17 total!  We had no need to rush to Food Lion and grab some eggs and a dye kit that greeted us as we entered the door.  Instead, we learned a lesson in resourcefulness (though the resourcefulness of dying food for decoration is debatable) and utilized what we already had in abundance.  And, I dare say, they turned out beautifully.

And now, let's talk about all you see in this picture.  The eggs are sitting atop paper strips from an encyclopedia picked up at Free Store Charlotte, which was obviously free.  The chairs are also from the Free Store last year and cost $2 each.  I vowed not to buy dining room chairs unless they were  under $5/each.  I painted them finally and there they are.  The table cloth (bed sheet) and 2 blue mason jars came from Value Village, totaling $5, and the glass dish was given to me by my mother, because she has a tendency to remind me of my need as a woman for such dainty things.

On Wednesday, we found an Easter Egg hunt at the Harris YMCA which also was free to both members and non members.  The kids enjoyed a picnic lunch ( complete with dumpstered grapes and handmade cloth napkins from Olive O Home ) and some fun time running around.

Please don't get me wrong: This is not a "look what I can do" as much as it is "Look what we all can do".  In our preschool handbook last year, there was a page that said that as a family, get in the habit of going places without spending money and not letting each outing be contingent on what you would purchase.  That honestly took me a while to get my head around.  BUT... it can be done.  It should be done.  Maybe today or tomorrow, reconsider one thing or outing you think you need.  Odds are, you'll be excited about what other creative solutions you can come up with!  

Anti-Consumerism April: Round 2: FIGHT!

This is it.  Year 2 of Anti-Consumerism April.  I'm still trying to wrap my head around what this should look like for me.  Last year, I said I could buy nothing new.  This year, I'm saying nothing at all.  From now until the end of the month.  No new shoes, clothes, craft stuffs... nothin'.  And let's be clear: last year I was not successful.  So, I'm pullin' myself up by my bootstraps and am making it happen.

One way I "celebrated" today, just to ring it all in, was making my second and third batches of homemade cleaning supplies.  That's one way to be mindful.  (I wanted to say "one way to stick it to the man" but decided to be a tad bit more positive, and to let this be about personal mindfulness, and not all the negativity that I want so badly to fight).  I've been hoping that, instead of being so ANTI this-or-that, I would be PRO-something, so as to send some more positive energy out.  Kind of like the concept of instead of being "anti-war, be pro-peace".

So, here are a few EASY recipes you can use to try to consume less corporate products and things that are down-right bad for you and the earth.

Laundry Powder:
1 Cup Borax
1 Cup Washing Soda
1 Bar Soap, finely grated

Mix all three ingredients and viola! Use 1 tablespoon/load.  It should last about 48 loads.

Now the funny thing, is that to make this, I had to use *gasp* corporate products.  But the beauty of it is that I am able to use far less.  A box of borax will yield up to 10-12 laundry mixes, and the washing soda up to 10.

Dishwasher Powder:
1 Cup Borax
1 Cup Washing Soda
1 Cup Kosher Salt

Mix all three ingredients and, again, viola!  Use 1 tablespoon/load and it will yield about 48 loads.

Part of the cool thing about this is that you can make really neat hostess gifts (for those of you, like my mother, who feel this sort of thing necessary), wedding shower gifts or any other type of gift.  Whip it all up, throw it in a mason jar (which you can very easily find 2nd hand), put some ribbon and fabric on it and you have created a thoughtful and mindful gift.

I made both of these with my kids today and put the finished product in reusable containers.  Don't get me wrong: I'm not necessarily trying to be "green" or any of the other things that go along with this type of behavior.  What I am trying to do, however, is rethink my buying habits and what my buying habits teach my kids.  It feels really good to be truly involved in my daily experience, as opposed to buying in to what a commercial tells me I need to buy and what needs to go with what I just bought and where to buy it again.

This month, I hope to think through my buying habits with food, gas, items for my children and home, and anything else I find myself pulling out my 6 square inches of plastic for on a daily basis.  If you've got any ideas, let me know.  In the words of some show my kids watch on PBS "The more you know, the more you grow."

Just real quick

I have to go to work- not "got" to but "get" to (any Greg Baty fans will understand the reference)- in like 56 minutes so I'll make it quick.

About 5 minutes ago, I read a blog called "Living life Intentionally" that a guy I went to college  with and his wife write.  I realize I spend an awful lot of my thought-time being in a negative space.  Even reading their title made me want to do better, to live with intention and purpose.  So, at least today, I'll follow their lead a make a top-5 thankfulness list, just to get my Saturday going in the right direction.

1. Friends.  Good.  Bad.  Same. Different.  Having relationships outside the nuclear family that I don't "got" to have but "get" to have.  I'm thankful for the challenges they bring and the healing, all in the same breath.
2. My neighborhood and the amazing people that are a part of it.  God is really doing something big here. It's nice to remember how much he cares. And that our sweet friends, Kala and John Michael are coming to scope the place out to see if they want to be a part of it soon!  Eek!
3. My little antique store job.
4. Coffee.  Dark, black, bold coffee.
5. My hot, caring, forgiving, human-not-faking-it husband, who watches documentaries that compel him to dumpster $200 worth of delicious food, clean, cook and store it all, plays beautiful music as our children dance, says he doesn't have 20 minutes to run with me but has an extra 20 to sleep (ahem. he is in bed right now with that excuse), and thinks that the only way to have a good time is if bowling is involved.  We screw up lots and lots and lots (times like a million) but I know God is doing something and has a unique purpose for us being together and I know we are slowly getting there.

So there, negative energy.  Take some positivity today.

Oh, and I'll add #6:
6. Gold nail polish.  Sheesh.  Who knew?

Control

First thing's first.  I wish I could play The Faint's "Control"or Death Cab's "The New Year" as you read this blog, like you could on Xanga.  Oh well, these times, they are a' changin'.  Anyway:

Something big is starting to bug me.  Something trendy, something cliche, something, well, pinned.  Is is all the 2012 hoopla?  Not really.  Is it my need to clean and organize?  Kinda, but not in this case.  Is it Al Gore?  Usually.  Isn't the warm winter his fault, anyway?  Actually,  tt's those dang bucket lists on Pinterest!  (Can I get a "I know, right?!?!?"). They are EVERYWHERE.

And don't get me wrong.  I love a good list and have quite a few friends who can attest to it.  I even love a good bucket list.  Like: I will paint my chairs in the dining room before I die.  I will sew 1 more garment before I die.  I will go a week without arguing with my husband before I die.  (It's true.  We did last week, suckas.)  But the ones that really get me are "Meet Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen." "Be on Glee."  Or, get this one, "Have a white Christmas."

Maybe it's just me.  Maybe I'm the only one they bother.  Maybe you're looking at them thinking "What's the big deal?  I've loved the Olsen twins since '87.  I'm tryna meet 'em, too."

It's not that I hate MK&A, Glee (bc I totally Hulu it from time to time), or don't yearn for Bing Crosby's beautifully attributed White Christmas.  The issue is that it's completely unrealistic to hope for these things!  So what?  You put it on a list to meet some celebrities.  You go to LA (because isn't that where all cool people live), you chase down said celebrity, only to be chased down by security.  You go to NY (because it snows there on Miracle on 34th Street) only to find it to be an unseasonably warm winter and will be a bold 45 degrees December 25th.

I don't think my semi-goals are better than anyone else's.  I don't think that admiring people and wanting to meet them is stupid.  But I do think it is a manifestation of how we live our lives.  We go around, from day to day, making our plans based on something over which we have completely no control.

I can't help it if the Olsen's aren't dying for a shopping trip and cocktails with me. (But let's get real.  They probably are.)
I can't help it if I audition for Glee and don't make it. (Which I will not be doing, by the way.)
I can't help it if I show up to a cooler climate on Christmas and it's sunny.  (A wise man once said "You can paint a pretty picnic but you can't predict the weather."  I think it was in like '01.  And I think he also said "Hey, ya")

I guess I can't have control over other people's goals.  :)  But I want to have goals that I can reach.  What if I really was living for something that was out of my control?  I can control whether or not I go and pick  up paint and paint my chairs, God willing and the creek don't rise.  I can control whether or not my sewing machine stays in my closet.  I can control whether or not I choose to engage in arguments or simply conversations with those closest to me.

Our problems begin when we put our hopes, our goals and our worth in someone else's possession.  If you have goals, great!  But make them be something you have control over.  Sometimes it's simply a matter of rearranging your words: "Be brave enough to speak to the Olsen's, should I see them in person." "Audition for Glee and be proud of my results." "Be grateful for each Christmas I spend with those I love, no matter the temperature."  I know it sounds silly, but I truly believe that when we change our hearts, our minds, our goals, we change our destinies.  

So go write some goals.  Some good goals.  Some attainable ones, that you have control over.  Even if it starts with "write a list of goals with 1 item on it." Check.

I bet I hate competition more than you.

I think the reason I never excelled at sports when growing up is because I hated competing.  A pretty key aspect of sports, really.  I'd go to my swim meets, and choose the hardest event and come in last.  I'd swim a 500 in a whopping 11:45... when others were doing it in 6:30.  My dear ol' mom even kindly suggested "Elizabeth, don't you want to try another sport?"  Why, no!  No I do not!  I swam 500 meters and did not die and, dammit, when I came in dead last, everyone cheered more for me than the first!  Ok fine.  So maybe they were cheering because it was over but they cheered none-the-less.

Fast-forward to college, marriage, and 2 kids later.  I am a way better athlete now.  I run/go to the gym practically daily.  I've run miles and miles and pumped lots of iron, Arnold style.  I've kicked ass in boot camp.  I've out-crunched in Bosu.  I've side-crowed in yoga.  I mean seriously.  I made up for my 48-minute high school 5K's.  I've made up for being a junior on the JV soccer team.  Yeah, I said it.  So what?

But that's not the point.  I think, honestly, I've learned a lot from this supposed athleticism: it's more personal than team.  Seriously.  But more than that- it's not athleticism: it's the universal human experience.  I've always been afraid of competition.  Not because I'm not good at things.  I can run a pretty long and/or quick run.  I can do yoga all day.  I can do 50 push-ups in a row.  I can craft.  I can lead my neighborhood.  I can plan some killer events.  I can organize preschool functions.  (But enough about me.....).

It wasn't until I realized one solid fact that I have to hold on to and stand by in life: it's not about what others think.  As I ration it out, I was far more afraid of failure than competing.  If I just bit the bullet and succumbed to being last, it made it far less painful.  I had no expectations to meet- or miss.

Then I grew up.  And I realized it doesn't matter where I place.  Really, no one is watching me.  They are all focusing on themselves and how they can get ahead. AndI realized that the only person worth competing against was me.  I hate the pressure and anxiety of making someone else come in last just so I can come in first.  It honestly never has felt "right" to me.

Even so, people are going to walk all over you.  Believe me.  They are going to do what they can to get ahead, even if it means forgetting you even existed.  They are going to outrun, outsmart, outwit you. Not every time, but sometimes.  And you just have to be okay with it.  Through a couple of recent events, I've learned what I'm not going to do: I'm not going to place my need to win above my need to relate.  I'm not going to place more emphasis on getting ahead than getting it right.  And I'm certainly not going to let what others think of me- that I'm not qualified enough, don't have enough life experience, haven't done enough- define the reality of who I am.

I've taken my 48-minute 5K's and turned them into 26-minutes.  I've taken my inability to cut a straight line and embraced it as "art". I've taken having to grow up a bit more quickly than I would have liked and turned it into a thriving, community-driven, volunteer-badass, obstacle-clearing reality.  I just have to remember the only one I ever need to continue to be better than: myself.