It's not a blanket-statement happiness. It's more a "what's right for me" happiness. She organizes her office and frames some photos, she focuses on her marriage and how to love her husband, she learns how to have loving yet difficult conversations with her parents and work more closely with her sister. And she does it all in ways that are true to who she is, as opposed to who she thinks she should be.
As I think through this concept and it's applicability into my own life, I decided that a great way to start, for me, is by thinking of what does not make me happy at home.
This may seem counterintuitive to some, what with the age-old concept of "accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative". This concept can be made a reality, but truly only if you focus it inward and not outward. You cannot make negative events cease to exist and you cannot bottle and serve only the finest, happiest of moments on a daily basis. Eventually, even with the most positive of attitudes: life happens.
I love and live in a fantastic neighborhood called Villa Heights. It is south of Noda and a few blocks up from Plaza Midwood and Belmont. We chose this neighborhood because it is quiet (or at least quiet enough), slow-paced, and priced considerably lower than the aforementioned communities. Living in this neighborhood certainly has it's perks: small and close community organization, nice and caring neighbors, a few parks and empty parking lots for playing and bike-riding.
But like any other neighborhood, it has it's fair share of difficult people and circumstances. I have spent a considerable amount of time in this neck of the woods attempting to "accentuate the positive." It's been quite easy, actually. Happiness abounds if you choose to look for it. From time to time, however, something will come up that makes you rethink your approach. I've had 2 of these instances in the past week.
My first issue happened as the kids and I were taking a stroll around the block- if those things actually exist in Charlotte. As we were slowly moving up the road a few streets over, an elderly neighbor stood at her door, yelling at me in front of the kids, using some really harsh language (especially for an old lady) about picking up the poop our dog had dropped. Oh. Hm. Interesting considering we have not had a dog since we lived in this neighborhood. I was then instructed to "move my ass on up the street". Messaged received, lady.
My 5-year-old was terrified, my 2-year-old was indifferent and I was livid. We have done all we could to stay at peace with those in our community. We have worked hard by allowing neighborhood kids to be at our house at times daily, by joining the community organization, and by staying in close relationships with many in our neighborhood. We took other "drastic" measures by leaving our old church and choosing to invest more in our relationships in closer vicinity to us. I took a job (or rather was granted a job) 3 blocks from our house. I have relationships with officers, investors and business owners in our neighborhoods. I've been very active, dammit, it making this home of ours very happy.
My second issue happened just this afternoon. As I'm sitting being all kinds of domestic teaching my daughter to stitch while my son fights over sand toys outside with his best bud, I receive a knock at the door. That is pretty typical, considering our friendship with our neighbors, who often drop by simply to remind us of trash day or to tell us they will be out of town. Surprisingly, I was greeted by code enforcement, who I assumed was stopping by to see if we had any complaints or to update us on anything going on within the neighborhood because of my work with the community organization. Instead, he informed me that someone had filed a complaint because of the stench of our compost. He pointed next door, where we have a new neighbor, and said he assumed it had been him.
Mr. Carl. Who I know. Who currently has a pepper, tomato and squash plant that we gave him growing in his back yard. Who's loud 90's model Dodge wakes me up daily at 4:30am as he leaves for work. Who we have welcomed with open arms to our street.
(Before I continue, I must say that I am not 100% sure it was Mr. Carl, as I have not seen him today to inquire.)
With these 2 minor yet frustrating events taking place, I gratefully realized that these are not common occurrences in our neighborhood. I have multiple friends, even a few streets over, who have constant complaints about "bad neighbors". It shocks me when I hear and honestly makes me uneasy. I grew up in a small town where we knew and loved our neighbors and my mom often made dinner and dessert for anyone she could. Understandably, the thought of living unhappily with neighbors is genuinely upsetting.
So how do I get rid of these things that do not make me happy? I could move- but that's like getting a divorce and jumping into a new dysfunctional marriage. I could report my neighbor's truck or other neighbor's dogs- but that's the same as what happened to us. I could stand on my porch yelling at all passersby to "move their ass on"- but that would ultimately cause me unhappiness and make me lonely and isolated.
The only way, as I pondered these 2 situations, to eliminate the unhappiness around me is to show kindness and happiness. I have thought about and hope to purchase a "clean up after pets" sign for the lady a few streets over, maybe even work with the city to get doggie-bag stations up, as this is honestly a recurring problem. In my emotions and frustration is this the approach I want to take? No. Hellllll no. But I do know it is the only solution that can bring true happiness to me and my family and hopefully to our neighbor.
And with Mr. Carl- who is innocent until proven guilty- I plan on addressing the situation face-to-face. What I hope to gain through that is creating and cultivating a culture of kind assertiveness where people are able to work through differences and address concerns. I get it. Compost stinks. We just drained the stagnant water about a week ago and have avoided that area of the yard. It's gross. I do wish we would have been approached about it by our neighbor, whoever it was. We would have gladly moved it. We haven't had a neighbor in that house for almost 2 years. Of course we weren't thinking of him. We weren't used to it. But that's not to say that we are incapable of taking his needs into consideration.
I'm glad my kiddo and I were sitting together when this happened. I'm glad my good friend Rosa was here. Otherwise I would have had-and gladly taken- the opportunity to be angry and bitter and uproot his precious plants and throw them right in our beloved compost bin. But having other people around me, especially my daughter for whom I try to be a good example allowed me a moment to reflect and think "Yeah. It stinks. And yeah, I wish someone would have confronted me personally but I have no control over that negative situation. I can only hope my response can be positive."
So, after a long and tedious story, how do I take steps to making my home happy? I realize my home is not just the spacious 1100 sq. ft. home in which we all 4 reside, thank God. Nor is it the yard which, thanks to our landscaping company included in our rent, is rarely mowed. (Another sore subject.) It's not even the block we live on. It stretches beyond that to where we walk, work, and play. It involves the people around us, over whom I have no control. I hope to utilize these opportunities to accentuate the positive in me and eliminate the negative in me: 2 things that do not come naturally and take a great deal of work. I've learned through these unhappy situations that have really thrown me off that honestly shit happens. The lady yelling at me about it and the neighbor who senses a similar smell from our yard can attest to it. Life isn't always easy but it can be made easier AND happier when we step back and determine ourselves to do what the title of the book has encouraged me to do: be Happier at Home.
