Mawwiage! Mawwiage is what bwings us togeva today.

I just really felt I had the need to post this. I almost put it off and ignored it but I really had a feeling in my gut I should give in.

So I'm just going to be candid with you for a little bit. I'm not always good at being married. In fact, I'm bad at it about 45% of the time. And I'm only throwing that percentage out there because it makes me look like I'm good at it over half the time so there is margin of error. And today was really just no different.

I spent some time away from Ryan today as I headed down the mountain to drop Adalai off with my grandparents. I won't go into all the gory details about my morning and thought pattern, but let's just say it was less than Biblical. :) I come home to (ironically enough) clean my house and get ready for my first ever Bible study with a new, fantastic group of ladies from the neighborhood. I'd been thinking this week and praying over what our topic should be for study. Marriage, womanhood, specific scripture.... We just hadn't decided.

So tonight we just decided to talk and see where it went. All 4 of us are married. Silje and her husband have been married for 3 1/2 years, like us. Megan and her husband have been for 2. Arlene and her husband for 26. Some of us sat talking about different things going on in our marriage. I mentioned communication as a key for me and how often I feel Ryan and I speak different languages. I mentioned being frustrated at a messy house, at being stuck at home with my kids and various responsibility. I mentioned loneliness. I mentioned sleep depravation. I mentioned enough to leave me feeling like I really have been frustrated off and on lately.

As we discuss our differences with our husbands and some of the trials marriage often brings, Arlene chimes in and says "Well. What are some good things about marriage?" Halt. Honestly, that was not a thought pattern I'd been down lately. I'd been so frustrated about the dishes not being done that I had taken zero time to think about what really matters in a marriage. That one simple question from Arlene took my thoughts in a completely different direction. And there were a lot of things to be said of that. We are told to take our thoughts captive for Christ. In other words, our thoughts have a way of getting away from us. Ryan tells me all the time to talk about things and not keep it in, because your thoughts will take you places you really don't need to be.

I'd been so afraid if being different from Ryan and leading different lives (home vs. his job). Arlene shared that in her early years of marriage, she feared the same things. In retrospect, however, she sees it was a season they grew through. I didn't realize that the fear of separateness was one that I had and that actually dictated a portion of my marriage.

My friend Lisa reminded me today of the importance of marriage- that it's life's most important relationship, actually. I am so grateful to be reminded of the positive side and reality of love and marriage, when my mind so often takes me other places.

I remembered how complete I am with Ryan. I remembered how understanding he is. I remembered how when I feel I have no one else, I have him. I remembered how he knows me like no one else. I remembered how much closer we've grown over the years. Funny how something like dirty dishes makes me quickly forget these truths.

May perfect love drive out fear and that I may take my thoughts captive and live in freedom!

My (not-so) organized life

So, in conjecture with my previous blog concerning printed media, I will now tell the tale of my journey towards domesticity, with the help of a few printed aides.

Before moving to Villa Heights, we lived in South Park across from Barnes and Noble. Magical. Anyway, they had this book I wanted then called "Organize Now!". Throughout the book, you go through closets, rooms, drawers, dungeons, week-by-week in an attempt to, well, Organize Now! I would periodically visit the bookstore, check and see if they still had it, and, alas, never purchase it. What I'm not telling you is that normally I go on an on-line scavenger hunt for the cheapest possible copy of anything I purchase at addall.com. It makes the acquisition much more victorious.

A few months went by, a new house and a new baby later, I got to thinking I had some space in my life to get organized and get back on the track that pregnancy and newborns so quickly kick you off. With my very own crunchy Christmas money, I headed (all alone, mind you) back to the nostalgic Barnes and Noble, for the purpose of purchasing the book for the New Year.

The first 4 weeks are about organization of yourself. Well. Don't mind if I do. Guess I needed that one, considering I was hoping week 1 was "organize your kitchen cabinets", seeing as how I'd already done this. Instead, I found myself organizing my mind & life vision. It is like therapy in a binder.

I am now on Week 2. Organize your Priorities. I never really think to do that, assuming it's apparent. Nominally I suppose it is. When I hold up my actions to my words, however, they are not in symmetry. I am told to "make a list of my top ten priorities" and "make a list of all the activities I currently participate in" and "compare the list to my top ten". I've got to say, I didn't do terribly. But after a day like today- one of a long to-do list, icy roads, and cabin fever- I can say I hope tomorrow finds a bit more congruency.

My point in saying all this, is that as I go week-by-week, I hope to blog my findings and self-revelations. (This is in no way related to Julie and Julia). I'm hoping in 2011 to finish this book and to cook completely through "Get Cooking." by Mollie Katzen. So far, all I've got to show for it is half scorched roasted garlic paste. Long story.

I won't post my resolutions, because there are seriously about 20. What can I say? I love a good list. But I will give my top ten priorities, listed in no particular order:

-serving and loving God

-serving and loving my husband

-teaching my children (and spending quality time with them)

-connecting to my community and family

-training to run/stay in shape

-creative outlet (cooking, crafts, reading, etc...)

-staying organized

-personal/spiritual growth

-seeing life differently than the customary (spending habits, politics, lifestyle, etc...)

-living peacefully with self and others

In an attempt to really hold true to at least some of these today, I gave myself 30 minutes to sit quietly and read. Adalai sat on her bed, watched Big Brother Calliou on the computer (again), I sat and nursed Wilek (again) and read my beloved cookbook and am proud to say I finished the soup section and am now onto salads! *Note: I realize that reading a cook book and cooking from a cookbook are 2 separate things.*

My second attempt was spending 30 minutes of quality time, playing with Adalai. We played restaurant and doctor. I got to be the waitress, the customer, the sick person, and the doctor, as we switched between roles. Not once did I answer the phone, check laundry, wash a dish... nothing! We included Wilek in our play time and just hung out in the kitchen floor.

Twice today I sat for 30 minutes. I did things I know are good for my mental and emotional health, not to mention for that of my children. So this is my journey. To be a wife, be a mom, and have some type of growth and wisdom in between the chaos.

Give me printed literature or give me death.

There's nothing like a good book. Nothing. There is just something so exciting about what's hidden behind the cover, filling all the pages in black and white. This past week has been one of anticipation for me, as I not-so-patiently awaited the arrival of my 2 new Molly Katzen cookbooks. I've been wanting The Vegetable Dishes I Can't Live Without since becoming a vegetarian (with the exclusion of the Christmas livermush) almost 3 years ago. And as I explored her website, I found another book entitled Get Cooking and decided I'd do just that.

So, Christmas day, in a room filled with new pots and pans, sweaters, jewelry and other various gifts, I hopped on Addall.com and, in all my glorious frugality, found both titles for as cheap as humanly possible ($1.49 and $6.49, if I can just toot my own little horn for a sec) and ordered those puppies.

For 10 days-ok, 5 or so business days- I waited in expectation for these glorious books to arrive. Each day they didn't I became more and more anxious. And finally, as of today, I know hold in my possession my beautiful, tangible, well-written and fabulously illustrated cookbooks.

Now, these aren't the only books I love. No no no. I love everything from quirky fiction such as Michael Chabon and Nick Hornby, to Shane Claiborne and Jonathan Wilson-Hargrove, all the way to a good planner (which I purchaed for the New Year, thank you very much). You may not be able to find me in the club, but you can find me at Imaginon instilling this excitement in my kids or Barnes & Noble running away from them.

Even in an age of iPhones, iPads, Kindles and eBooks, there's nothing like holding a book in your hands, flipping through it, underlining thoughts and writing your own. I'm probably dooming my children to having "that mom" who refuses to move on, who still handwrites notes instead of typing and prefers old fashioned notebook paper to a Google document. With all this new technology, you have books and information at your fingertips instantly and it translates into every other area of our lives, and sometimes, really, what's the fun in it?

I understand convenience. I understand being progressive. I understand being rushed. But I know there are times when instant gratification is just no match for good, old-fashioned anticipation and the satisfaction you receive when you realize that the wait made what you'd been anticipating so much more meaningful.

Mother of the Year

So, I have embarked on something I've never really done before: Halloween costumes. Year 1: Baby in eggplant outfit. Why an eggplant? Not sure. All I know is she hated it. Year 2: Costume 1-- Krispy Kreme cashier. Why? Because I had Chuck Taylor's, jeans, a black t-shirt, a baby doll apron and a free hat from Krispy Kreme. Done and done. Costume 2: Pirates. Why? Because anyone can draw a beard on their face.

But this year, my friends, is different. My kid is-- get this--- something kids actually like! She's Olivia! Ok, so I confess. I took the easy way out AGAIN. (Buying costumes is such a pain.) For her birthday, Ryan and I got her Olivia dress up clothes. It had an explorer outfit and a ballerina outfit. And naturally she's the ballerina. My mother-of-the-year award comes into play with the pig accessories. (FYI--- if you haven't already caught on, Olivia is a cartoon pig girl.) Out of construction paper, we made ears AND a nose. I am SO excited to see her in this!

In fashion with other posh blogs, I will now post a how-to segment, just to really make myself feel awesome.

1) Pig Ears

Need:

Pink Construction Paper

Pink Headband

Black Sharpie

Glue

Stapler

1. Fold pink paper in half. Along the fold, draw pig ears, allowing room at the bottom to adhese to the headband and cut them out.

2. Fold ears over headband and glue. Staple once, right along the inside, close to the headband.

3. Trace outline of ear with marker.

Voila! (And I wonder how many time's I've typed that as "viola")

2-- Pig Nose: (my shining moment in motherhood)

Need:

Paper towel roll

Pink paint

Pink Construction paper

Sharpie

2 pieces of Yarn

1. Cut a 3" piece off paper towel roll.

2.Poke 2 holes symmetrically near one end. Paint pink. (We put pink paint on a paper plate and rolled it. Confession--- this is because we do not own paint brushes. Oops.)

3. Draw a circle using the end of the towel roll on the pink paper. Cut out and draw 2 nostrils. :)

4. After roll is dry, string yarn through the holes, tying knots on the inside in. You may choose to tape the inside of the roll so it does not fall out (or if you made one of the holes too big...)

5. Glue the circle to the opposite end of the paper towel roll.

6. Tie the nose around your little person's head to make all the other moms wish they were you.

So, in conclusion, I nominate myself, Liz Eagle, for the available position of Mother-of-the-Year. Yes, I may have volunteered for everything at preschool and was asked to do none of it. Yes, I may have cracker crumbs as a permanent interior for the car. Yes, I may have to quickly scrounge for a lunchbox-worthy lunch every Tuesday and Thursday. But by golly, I worked my little thinking cap off and I made a damn good Halloween costume, for the first time in my life. Take that Paul, Virginia, Betsy and all the other Episcopal Preschool Mercedes Moms. My kid looks stellar.

In the news today

My morning began today as most do: with an intense desire for coffee. I am beyond blessed to have Adalai in preschool.... that is right down the road from Starbucks. So I drop her off, and change the music from Empire of the Sun (to which Adalai is addicted) to your local NPR. And today's Charlotte Talks hot button issue was none other than homosexuality and bullying.

I was so incredibly interested in this topic. As a God-follower (no, not in the twitter sense), I felt myself becoming very emotionally engaged in the discussion. I hoped to call in or send an earth-shattering email to be read on-air with much fanfare, and then realized: I really just don't know where to begin.

Homosexuality, coupled with teen suicide, has been a media-pressed issue for the past few weeks. I mean, I don't need to even bring up the tragedy of the Rutger's student. As a mother, tears well up in my eyes as I think of the pain of this man, this son. Realistically, it should illicit emotion from anyone familiar with the story, regardless.

I feel I have been bombarded with the topic of gay acceptance through various media outlets recently. And honestly, I think it is a very beautiful thing. I wrote a blog a few months back concerning gay marriage and the topic continues to peek my interest. There were so many excellent points brought on by the discussion. A young girl of only 15 stated (paraphrased) "We cannot change bullying, we must change a culture." Another man called, who has a gay son and step-son and blamed religious teaching, as did another emailer.

And that's where I divert. The caller stated "The problem is that from a young age, people are taught that the Bible is the Word of God and that homosexuality is an abomination. People then believe they have authority from God to take these matters into their own hands. If the Bible were treated as a religious work as opposed to the authoritative Word of God, people would not feel an obligation to eliminate this behavior." (also paraphrased).

Sadly enough, I agree.... almost. I do believe the Bible is the word of God. That is a concrete truth in my life. But in spite of my doctrinal differences with the caller, one thing remains the same: People believe they have the authority to take matters into their own hands. Anyone who reads the Bible and only reads about the Old Testament abomination of homosexuality has apparently overstepped the New Testament call to Love, a call not to judge, unless we want all of our shortcomings on the table to be viewed by all.

I do not claim to know what God thinks about homosexuality or sexuality in general. Is homosexuality worse than adultery? Is it worse than heterosexual sex outside of marriage? Is it a choice or are there biological determinants? I don't know. One thing I am certain of, though. Jesus came that we may have life, and that our lives may be more fulfilled. There is nothing fulfilling about fear-driven hatred or judgement. In fact, "Perfect love drives out fear."

So, to again quote the 15-year-old guest (who does not claim to identify with one gender above another) "We must change a culture". In this case, our Christian culture. We must become not a subculture who is hateful towards or oblivious to those who live outside our worldview, but instead those who chose to embrace Jesus' teaching of love. We must change our mindset of "God hates fags" (whether we show in through picket signs or judgmental glances) to a heart of love, with open arms accepting all and leaving the judgment to God.

"For God so loved the world..." Funny. We're all included.

My Life is not Perfect.

My life is not perfect. Well, to some anyway.

My house is not perfectly clean. (Or partially...)

Groceries do not always exist.

Meals are not always prepared.

My kids do not perfectly sleep.

My oldest doesn't not perfectly listen.

My youngest does not perfectly nurse.... though his weight gain may prove otherwise.

My oldest does not perfectly avoid hitting. Including her teacher.

My body is not perfectly trimmed down.

My diet is not perfectly balanced.

My car doesn't perfectly start.

My attitude isn't always consistent.

My relationship with my husband isn't perfectly pleasant.

I don't get a perfect 8 hours of sleep... ever.

My clothes no longer perfectly fit.

Our bills are not perfectly caught up.

I do not have perfectly updated baby books.

I do not always perfectly bathe my babies.

I don't always perfectly change the youngest's diapers.

I do not perfectly understand my relationships with others.

I do not understand the resistance I have towards others.

My days are not perfectly planned to balance babies, friends, or community involvement.

I would often rather sleep than communicate.

But I can tell you one thing. I am okay. I am okay with just being okay. I am okay with doing my best. I am okay if my best involves dirty diapers wrapped up, but not trashed. I'm okay with having clean dishes, even if they are still in the dishwasher. I'm okay with having clean sheets, even if they're STILL in the dryer. I'm okay with having flaking fingernail polish. I'm okay with having a body that says "Look at me! I have kids!" I'm okay with my only outing being the gym, even if it's simply to leave the house. I'm okay with having a little tree-frog of a baby who's constantly attached to me. I'm okay with a defiant 3-year-old who is constantly negotiating. I am okay with a husband who is gone every night to work so I can stay home with our kids. I'm okay with letting go of petty things to make room for the big stuff.

I'm okay with with my own brand of perfect. And I am okay with me.

Dream World Vs. Reality

I've been a mother of 2 for 3 weeks now, as of tomorrow. So far, no one has died, broken a bone, gone hungry or run away (myself included). But I can say that in spite of the previously listed victories, there have been quite a few things to which I have had to adjust. I'd had a few subconscious expectations of which I am only now aware.

At about 2 weeks in, I began leave the house. Alone. For at least an hour. Magical? Miracle? Call it what you will but it is no less than beautiful. So as I went on my lonely journey this morning, I took some time to think about some things.

I drove my stir-crazy self to Smelly Cat for a nice iced coffee and a muffin. It was a beautiful and I mean BEAUTIFUL morning. So, I sat outside and flipped through a left-behind issue of "Natural Awakening" magazine, followed by day 14 of our church's 40-day book. After reading an article in the magazine about pivotal tattoos and thinking about the meaning of my "freedom" tattoo (all the while feeling bound), I read the day's topic. It wasn't so much the topic, which I believe was "God's calling for your life", that got me to thinking as much as it was just having a small amount of alone time with God. I sat in silence for a bit after reading and enjoyed being alone. I allowed my thoughts to go in whichever direction they took me. I began to think about Adalai. I thought how nice it would be to bring her with me next time to sit outside with some sidewalk chalk and draw while I sat, sipping coffee. I thought about how much she would enjoy being outside. I thought about our upcoming family roadtrip. Then I thought about my attitude toward her lately.

In an ideal world, Adalai would listen to me consistently. She would not attempt to step on baby brother. She would not yell at her preschool teacher on the 3rd day... 4 times. She would play with only one toy at a time and promptly clean her mess. She would wipe her mouth after eating. She would lay down quietly at both naptime and bedtime. She would potty alone and allow me the same courtesy. She would enjoy the snacks I prepared for her. She would abide by all the household rules without need for reminders. I'm pretty sure you get the picture.

My child has a large, be it ever so beautiful, personality and it is often one that is hard to contain. It is one with which I am familiar because I, too, share it. I've been trying to pinpoint the issue I've had in this transitional period. "Do I not have enough room in my heart for 2 kids?" Well, yeah, I guess I do. "Do I not have enough room in my day to parent 2 kids?" 24 hours is my only option, so guess I've got to work with it. "Am I just simply not cut out for this?" Too late to play that card. And then, sitting outside on this glorious morning, I finally put my finger on it: Micromanagement. That's it! That's what I'm doing wrong.

So, I got up and went for a walk. An intended mile or so walk that turned in to almost 4. I had a lot to work out emotionally and mentally. Adalai has a spectacular personality. God knew it from the very beginning. And I, as her mother, have failed in the past few months at letting it be what it is. I had to face reality.

As a mother, it is not my job to control. It is not my job to change. It is not even my job to break habits. It is my job to love. It is my job to guide. It is my job to teach. When I begin taking her sassy little attitude personally, I begin to get myself into trouble. I realized I have had far too high of expectations. I mean come on, Liz. The kid just turned 3 AND she suddenly has to share mommy and daddy. She's going through a lot, too.

My dream world prompts me to see Adalai as a quiet-natured-play-in-the-floor kind-of-kid. And she's just not. And never has been. Why am I treating this like it's a bad thing? God has given her an amazing personality with amazing potential and he has given me strength (if I'll accept it) to parent. A few influential people in my life have told me at separate times that "God has given YOU your children for a reason. There is no one in the world more capable of parenting them than you." What fantastic words of wisdom.

So my hope is that my reality becomes one in which I embrace the chaos, because it is practically inevitable. My hope is that I embrace God's grace and the learning curve for new moms. My hope is that I can find support in other people who have had similar experiences in child rearing. And my hope is that I begin supporting Adalai for who she is and extend to her the love which I would like extended to me.

Parenting is a journey. We intend it to be a nice stroll and often times it ends up being a hike. We have our dreams, and then we wake up (often multiple times in a night). But walk or hike, sleep or insomnia, it's a journey that takes us from who we are to who we are intended to be. So, I'm strapping on my backpack, I'm grabbing my boots and I'm in this sucker for the longhaul.