Happier

I don't read "as much as I should".  Not really sure how much I think I should be reading while maintaining a marriage, 2 kids, a household, a job, and myself, but I always think I could do it "more".  So the other week, to meet this goal of "more", I ordered a few books off AddAll, which is a great resource for buying to lowest priced used books.  I typically see books I'd like to own, make a list, and order them off this site.  After receiving them in the mail, I determine myself to read a few pages a day, or at least most days.  One book that I am reading through currently is Happier at Home by Gretchen Rubin.  This is a spin-off of her book, The Happiness Project.  In this book she takes a look at her home and for 9 months, with one project per month, determines to make her home a happier place.

It's not a blanket-statement happiness.  It's more a "what's right for me" happiness.  She organizes her office and frames some photos, she focuses on her marriage and how to love her husband, she learns how to have loving yet difficult conversations with her parents and work more closely with her sister.  And she does it all in ways that are true to who she is, as opposed to who she thinks she should be.

As I think through this concept and it's applicability into my own life, I decided that a great way to start, for me, is by thinking of what does not make me happy at home.

This may seem counterintuitive to some, what with the age-old concept of "accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative".  This concept can be made a reality, but truly only if you focus it inward and not outward.  You cannot make negative events cease to exist and you cannot bottle and serve only the finest, happiest of moments on a daily basis.  Eventually, even with the most positive of attitudes: life happens.

I love and live in a fantastic neighborhood called Villa Heights.  It is south of Noda and a few blocks up from Plaza Midwood and Belmont.  We chose this neighborhood because it is quiet (or at least quiet enough), slow-paced, and priced considerably lower than the aforementioned communities.  Living in this neighborhood certainly has it's perks: small and close community organization, nice and caring neighbors, a few parks and empty parking lots for playing and bike-riding.

But like any other neighborhood, it has it's fair share of difficult people and circumstances.  I have spent a considerable amount of time in this neck of the woods attempting to "accentuate the positive."  It's been quite easy, actually.  Happiness abounds if you choose to look for it.  From time to time, however, something will come up that makes you rethink your approach.  I've had 2 of these instances in the past week.

My first issue happened as the kids and I were taking a stroll around the block- if those things actually exist in Charlotte.  As we were slowly moving up the road a few streets over, an elderly neighbor stood at her door, yelling at me in front of the kids, using some really harsh language (especially for an old lady) about picking up the poop our dog had dropped.  Oh.  Hm.  Interesting considering we have not had a dog since we lived in this neighborhood.  I was then instructed to "move my ass on up the street".    Messaged received, lady.

My 5-year-old was terrified, my 2-year-old was indifferent and I was livid.  We have done all we could to stay at peace with those in our community.  We have worked hard by allowing neighborhood kids to be at our house at times daily, by joining the community organization, and by staying in close relationships with many in our neighborhood.  We took other "drastic" measures by leaving our old church and choosing to invest more in our relationships in closer vicinity to us.  I took a job (or rather was granted a job) 3 blocks from our house.  I have relationships with officers, investors and business owners in our neighborhoods.  I've been very active, dammit, it making this home of ours very happy.

My second issue happened just this afternoon.  As I'm sitting being all kinds of domestic teaching my daughter to stitch while my son fights over sand toys outside with his best bud, I receive a knock at the door.  That is pretty typical, considering our friendship with our neighbors, who often drop by simply to remind us of trash day or to tell us they will be out of town.  Surprisingly, I was greeted by code enforcement, who I assumed was stopping by to see if we had any complaints or to update us on anything going on within the neighborhood because of my work with the community organization.  Instead, he informed me that someone had filed a complaint because of the stench of our compost.  He pointed next door, where we have a new neighbor, and said he assumed it had been him.

Mr. Carl.  Who I know.  Who currently has a pepper, tomato and squash plant that we gave him growing in his back yard.  Who's loud 90's model Dodge wakes me up daily at 4:30am as he leaves for work. Who we have welcomed with open arms to our street.

(Before I continue, I must say that I am not 100% sure it was Mr. Carl, as I have not seen him today to inquire.)

With these 2 minor yet frustrating events taking place, I gratefully realized that these are not common occurrences in our neighborhood.  I have multiple friends, even a few streets over, who have constant complaints about "bad neighbors".  It shocks me when I hear and honestly makes me uneasy.  I grew up in a small town where we knew and loved our neighbors and my mom often made dinner and dessert for anyone she could. Understandably, the thought of living unhappily with neighbors is genuinely upsetting.

So how do I get rid of these things that do not make me happy?  I could move- but that's like getting a divorce and jumping into a new dysfunctional marriage.  I could report my neighbor's truck or other neighbor's dogs- but that's the same as what happened to us.  I could stand on my porch yelling at all passersby to "move their ass on"- but that would ultimately cause me unhappiness and make me lonely and isolated.

The only way, as I pondered these 2 situations, to eliminate the unhappiness around me is to show kindness and happiness.  I have thought about and hope to purchase a "clean up after pets" sign for the lady a few streets over, maybe even work with the city to get doggie-bag stations up, as this is honestly a recurring problem.  In my emotions and frustration is this the approach I want to take?  No.  Hellllll no.  But I do know it is the only solution that can bring true happiness to me and my family and hopefully to our neighbor.

And with Mr. Carl- who is innocent until proven guilty- I plan on addressing the situation face-to-face.  What I hope to gain through that is creating and cultivating a culture of kind assertiveness where people are able to work through differences and address concerns.  I get it.  Compost stinks.  We just drained the stagnant water about a week ago and have avoided that area of the yard.  It's gross.  I do wish we would have been approached about it by our neighbor, whoever it was.  We would have gladly moved it.  We haven't had a neighbor in that house for almost 2 years.  Of course we weren't thinking of him.  We weren't used to it.  But that's not to say that we are incapable of taking his needs into consideration.

I'm glad my kiddo and I were sitting together when this happened.  I'm glad my good friend Rosa was here.  Otherwise I would have had-and gladly taken- the opportunity to be angry and bitter and uproot his precious plants and throw them right in our beloved compost bin.  But having other people around me, especially my daughter for whom I try to be a good example allowed me a moment to reflect and think "Yeah.  It stinks.  And yeah, I wish someone would have confronted me personally but I have no control over that negative situation. I can only hope my response can be positive."

So, after a long and tedious story, how do I take steps to making my home happy?  I realize my home is not just the spacious 1100 sq. ft. home in which we all 4 reside, thank God.  Nor is it the yard which, thanks to our landscaping company included in our rent, is rarely mowed.  (Another sore subject.)  It's not even the block we live on.  It stretches beyond that to where we walk, work, and play.  It involves the people around us, over whom I have no control.  I hope to utilize these opportunities to accentuate the positive in me and eliminate the negative in me: 2 things that do not come naturally and take a great deal of work.  I've learned through these unhappy situations that have really thrown me off that honestly shit happens.  The lady yelling at me about it and the neighbor who senses a similar smell from our yard can attest to it.  Life isn't always easy but it can be made easier AND happier when we step back and determine ourselves to do what the title of the book has encouraged me to do: be Happier at Home.

Finding Passion

If you know me or know anything about me, you know I'm a mover.  My closest friends know that it's likely upon each visit to our home that I will have rearranged or redecorated at least one room.  Others know I get through life with a to-do list, grocery list, lists of lists, etc... to keep me motivated to get things done and never stop moving.

I haven't really done the whole "career" thing (and frankly don't want to).  I've been a social worker, a nanny, worked at a coffee shop, an antique store, multiple restaurants, and currently a brewery.  I've been a writer, a craft vendor and my husband's photography assistant.  I've volunteered and raised funds for the Free Store, 2 separate preschools and am president of my neighborhood association. I've joined running clubs, mommy groups, and craft guilds.  I've been a homeschool advocate, a magnet advocate and a co-op advocate.  I've been a church-goer, a church-hater, and indifferent.  And I just keep waiting on that one calling to stick.

Until yesterday.

I dropped Ryan off at the airport yesterday morning around 5:45am.  I was actually quite glad to be up and alone, knowing I had roughly 3 hours until my kids were up and moving.  While we normally listen to the Oompa Loompa song, classical music, or 5 Little Monkeys on repeat, I took full advantage of my alone time to listen to NPR.  There was a story about a guy who was looking for his passion, his calling- whatever it was he was made to do.  So, he sat down with some economists and they asked him questions: "Do you want financial success?"  "Are you looking to be more humanitarian and give away the money you make?"  "What does the 50-year-old you want?"

They worked through these questions and I assume they came to a conclusion, but in my mind, I bypassed that part.  The questions and the process was what caught my attention.  What do I want for my life?

I love, love, LOVE going to thrift stores and listening to music- through headphones because good GOD if I have to listen to Katy Perry, followed by Maroon 5, followed by Matchbox 20 ever again, I'm leaving the country- and scrounging through junk to find treasures.  I love yard sales.  I love quiet days where I can sit and draw or write at my dining room table.  I love making vintage gift baskets and greeting cards.

And the natural next step is answering the question: "So what do I do with this?"  I guess I always have this assumption that having a passion equals making a career and finding financial success.  And then I realized I had it all wrong.

When I went to college, good ol' Liberty University- yeah, go on, judge me- I would take classes for all the random pre-reqs and whatever major I just happened to fall into. (Actually, that happened.  Junior year I just saw which major I could pick based on the classes I'd taken and landed on B.S. in Psychology with emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy.)  I remember sitting in a Family Dynamics class early one morning and thinking "Why am I here?  All I want to do is be a mom.  I honestly don't see myself ever 'working' or having a career.  It's not for me."  But, I ignored it, and finished my degree none-the-less.  (While pregnant.  Out of wedlock.  At Liberty.  Suck it.)

I just assumed that that's what you do.  You go to college, you get a job, you live happily ever after.  I kept trying to figure out how to use my skills to build a life for myself.

And that's what I realized yesterday that I'd been doing.  I have been so unbelievably fixated on finding a life path, a passion, that I've been neglected what I'd been called to do all along: be a mom.  Phew.  It was such a relief.

After reading books, such as Peaceable Revolution Through Education, and blogs, such as Boho Baby Bump, and other materials, I have realized that all these other things I'm good at or simply enjoy can be so much more fulfilling if I enjoy them with my children, calmly and peacefully (for the most part).  I can teach them how to make things for others, as my mother taught me.  I can teach them how to find what you're good at and master it.  I can teach them that "success" does not mean a 9-5.

My passion truly is and has to be my children.  What if instead of me chasing and illusive dream and my children following behind me, I stayed beside my kids, working my dreams into parenting?  What if I allowed my children to yell and feel frustrated and help them work through it instead of begging them to sit down and be quiet so mommy can work?  What if I stopped sending them in the backyard alone (all the time, anyway), and went out with them and experienced their world?  What if I let go of myself, just a little, and held on to them more?

It's hard.  Parenting is no damn joke.  Working, staying home, having a mix of both as I do... it's all hard.  Babies, toddlers, school-aged kids, it's all hard.  But it's also beautiful.  I want my passion to be finding that beauty. I want my passion to be intentionally engaging my children in what I'm doing as they engage me in what they are doing.  I want to show them that finding a passion is better when it's shared.  And, heck.  I want to show that to myself as well.

The Things I Do for Free

Well, I'm really not allowed to spend money this month.  So far, it's been gas, groceries and a few pizzas from the Pizza Peel because I was too tired to cook dinner last night.  So that means only 1 thing: a super-easy-super-free Spring Break for the kiddos.

One simple way of being consumerism-free this week has been the child-care exchange.  A good friend of ours keeps our kids while we go to small group and we keep hers during school hours when he's on break. It is amazing that no money has to change hands and we simply get to meet one another's needs where they are.  The thought alone that she would keep my 2 wild ones, for no pay, during breakdown time is phenomenal.

Another way is the activities we have chosen.  Feeling a need to guard myself from a house full of restless toddler/preschoolers, I checked my favorite site, Charlotte on the Cheap to see what all was going on this week.  We found that:

On Tuesday, Ben and Jerry's was hosting a "Free Scoop Day" 12pm-8pm.  And yes, we did arrive at 11:45am, eager for our share.  The kids were stoked and so was I.  I even met a mother who told me her 2 sons were only allowed 1 hour there and at 12:20 when we left, were on scoop #5.  I kid you not.  But, in the spirit of things, we moved on after having only what we needed.  (And we all really really need some ice cream from time to time).

We also spent the earlier part of the morning dying eggs.  As opposed to another PAS egg dye kit, we chose to use what we had: water, vinegar and food coloring (which we only use on super special occasions!). 

EGG DYE:

1 cup white/apple cider vinegar (we buy white in bulk and use for cleaning and other projects)

1 1/2 teaspoon (or more) food coloring

1 1/2 cup hot water

 The eggs we dyed came from our chickens and numbered 17 total!  We had no need to rush to Food Lion and grab some eggs and a dye kit that greeted us as we entered the door.  Instead, we learned a lesson in resourcefulness (though the resourcefulness of dying food for decoration is debatable) and utilized what we already had in abundance.  And, I dare say, they turned out beautifully.

And now, let's talk about all you see in this picture.  The eggs are sitting atop paper strips from an encyclopedia picked up at Free Store Charlotte, which was obviously free.  The chairs are also from the Free Store last year and cost $2 each.  I vowed not to buy dining room chairs unless they were  under $5/each.  I painted them finally and there they are.  The table cloth (bed sheet) and 2 blue mason jars came from Value Village, totaling $5, and the glass dish was given to me by my mother, because she has a tendency to remind me of my need as a woman for such dainty things.

On Wednesday, we found an Easter Egg hunt at the Harris YMCA which also was free to both members and non members.  The kids enjoyed a picnic lunch ( complete with dumpstered grapes and handmade cloth napkins from Olive O Home ) and some fun time running around.

Please don't get me wrong: This is not a "look what I can do" as much as it is "Look what we all can do".  In our preschool handbook last year, there was a page that said that as a family, get in the habit of going places without spending money and not letting each outing be contingent on what you would purchase.  That honestly took me a while to get my head around.  BUT... it can be done.  It should be done.  Maybe today or tomorrow, reconsider one thing or outing you think you need.  Odds are, you'll be excited about what other creative solutions you can come up with!  

Anti-Consumerism April: Round 2: FIGHT!

This is it.  Year 2 of Anti-Consumerism April.  I'm still trying to wrap my head around what this should look like for me.  Last year, I said I could buy nothing new.  This year, I'm saying nothing at all.  From now until the end of the month.  No new shoes, clothes, craft stuffs... nothin'.  And let's be clear: last year I was not successful.  So, I'm pullin' myself up by my bootstraps and am making it happen.

One way I "celebrated" today, just to ring it all in, was making my second and third batches of homemade cleaning supplies.  That's one way to be mindful.  (I wanted to say "one way to stick it to the man" but decided to be a tad bit more positive, and to let this be about personal mindfulness, and not all the negativity that I want so badly to fight).  I've been hoping that, instead of being so ANTI this-or-that, I would be PRO-something, so as to send some more positive energy out.  Kind of like the concept of instead of being "anti-war, be pro-peace".

So, here are a few EASY recipes you can use to try to consume less corporate products and things that are down-right bad for you and the earth.

Laundry Powder:
1 Cup Borax
1 Cup Washing Soda
1 Bar Soap, finely grated

Mix all three ingredients and viola! Use 1 tablespoon/load.  It should last about 48 loads.

Now the funny thing, is that to make this, I had to use *gasp* corporate products.  But the beauty of it is that I am able to use far less.  A box of borax will yield up to 10-12 laundry mixes, and the washing soda up to 10.

Dishwasher Powder:
1 Cup Borax
1 Cup Washing Soda
1 Cup Kosher Salt

Mix all three ingredients and, again, viola!  Use 1 tablespoon/load and it will yield about 48 loads.

Part of the cool thing about this is that you can make really neat hostess gifts (for those of you, like my mother, who feel this sort of thing necessary), wedding shower gifts or any other type of gift.  Whip it all up, throw it in a mason jar (which you can very easily find 2nd hand), put some ribbon and fabric on it and you have created a thoughtful and mindful gift.

I made both of these with my kids today and put the finished product in reusable containers.  Don't get me wrong: I'm not necessarily trying to be "green" or any of the other things that go along with this type of behavior.  What I am trying to do, however, is rethink my buying habits and what my buying habits teach my kids.  It feels really good to be truly involved in my daily experience, as opposed to buying in to what a commercial tells me I need to buy and what needs to go with what I just bought and where to buy it again.

This month, I hope to think through my buying habits with food, gas, items for my children and home, and anything else I find myself pulling out my 6 square inches of plastic for on a daily basis.  If you've got any ideas, let me know.  In the words of some show my kids watch on PBS "The more you know, the more you grow."

Just real quick

I have to go to work- not "got" to but "get" to (any Greg Baty fans will understand the reference)- in like 56 minutes so I'll make it quick.

About 5 minutes ago, I read a blog called "Living life Intentionally" that a guy I went to college  with and his wife write.  I realize I spend an awful lot of my thought-time being in a negative space.  Even reading their title made me want to do better, to live with intention and purpose.  So, at least today, I'll follow their lead a make a top-5 thankfulness list, just to get my Saturday going in the right direction.

1. Friends.  Good.  Bad.  Same. Different.  Having relationships outside the nuclear family that I don't "got" to have but "get" to have.  I'm thankful for the challenges they bring and the healing, all in the same breath.
2. My neighborhood and the amazing people that are a part of it.  God is really doing something big here. It's nice to remember how much he cares. And that our sweet friends, Kala and John Michael are coming to scope the place out to see if they want to be a part of it soon!  Eek!
3. My little antique store job.
4. Coffee.  Dark, black, bold coffee.
5. My hot, caring, forgiving, human-not-faking-it husband, who watches documentaries that compel him to dumpster $200 worth of delicious food, clean, cook and store it all, plays beautiful music as our children dance, says he doesn't have 20 minutes to run with me but has an extra 20 to sleep (ahem. he is in bed right now with that excuse), and thinks that the only way to have a good time is if bowling is involved.  We screw up lots and lots and lots (times like a million) but I know God is doing something and has a unique purpose for us being together and I know we are slowly getting there.

So there, negative energy.  Take some positivity today.

Oh, and I'll add #6:
6. Gold nail polish.  Sheesh.  Who knew?

Control

First thing's first.  I wish I could play The Faint's "Control"or Death Cab's "The New Year" as you read this blog, like you could on Xanga.  Oh well, these times, they are a' changin'.  Anyway:

Something big is starting to bug me.  Something trendy, something cliche, something, well, pinned.  Is is all the 2012 hoopla?  Not really.  Is it my need to clean and organize?  Kinda, but not in this case.  Is it Al Gore?  Usually.  Isn't the warm winter his fault, anyway?  Actually,  tt's those dang bucket lists on Pinterest!  (Can I get a "I know, right?!?!?"). They are EVERYWHERE.

And don't get me wrong.  I love a good list and have quite a few friends who can attest to it.  I even love a good bucket list.  Like: I will paint my chairs in the dining room before I die.  I will sew 1 more garment before I die.  I will go a week without arguing with my husband before I die.  (It's true.  We did last week, suckas.)  But the ones that really get me are "Meet Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen." "Be on Glee."  Or, get this one, "Have a white Christmas."

Maybe it's just me.  Maybe I'm the only one they bother.  Maybe you're looking at them thinking "What's the big deal?  I've loved the Olsen twins since '87.  I'm tryna meet 'em, too."

It's not that I hate MK&A, Glee (bc I totally Hulu it from time to time), or don't yearn for Bing Crosby's beautifully attributed White Christmas.  The issue is that it's completely unrealistic to hope for these things!  So what?  You put it on a list to meet some celebrities.  You go to LA (because isn't that where all cool people live), you chase down said celebrity, only to be chased down by security.  You go to NY (because it snows there on Miracle on 34th Street) only to find it to be an unseasonably warm winter and will be a bold 45 degrees December 25th.

I don't think my semi-goals are better than anyone else's.  I don't think that admiring people and wanting to meet them is stupid.  But I do think it is a manifestation of how we live our lives.  We go around, from day to day, making our plans based on something over which we have completely no control.

I can't help it if the Olsen's aren't dying for a shopping trip and cocktails with me. (But let's get real.  They probably are.)
I can't help it if I audition for Glee and don't make it. (Which I will not be doing, by the way.)
I can't help it if I show up to a cooler climate on Christmas and it's sunny.  (A wise man once said "You can paint a pretty picnic but you can't predict the weather."  I think it was in like '01.  And I think he also said "Hey, ya")

I guess I can't have control over other people's goals.  :)  But I want to have goals that I can reach.  What if I really was living for something that was out of my control?  I can control whether or not I go and pick  up paint and paint my chairs, God willing and the creek don't rise.  I can control whether or not my sewing machine stays in my closet.  I can control whether or not I choose to engage in arguments or simply conversations with those closest to me.

Our problems begin when we put our hopes, our goals and our worth in someone else's possession.  If you have goals, great!  But make them be something you have control over.  Sometimes it's simply a matter of rearranging your words: "Be brave enough to speak to the Olsen's, should I see them in person." "Audition for Glee and be proud of my results." "Be grateful for each Christmas I spend with those I love, no matter the temperature."  I know it sounds silly, but I truly believe that when we change our hearts, our minds, our goals, we change our destinies.  

So go write some goals.  Some good goals.  Some attainable ones, that you have control over.  Even if it starts with "write a list of goals with 1 item on it." Check.

I bet I hate competition more than you.

I think the reason I never excelled at sports when growing up is because I hated competing.  A pretty key aspect of sports, really.  I'd go to my swim meets, and choose the hardest event and come in last.  I'd swim a 500 in a whopping 11:45... when others were doing it in 6:30.  My dear ol' mom even kindly suggested "Elizabeth, don't you want to try another sport?"  Why, no!  No I do not!  I swam 500 meters and did not die and, dammit, when I came in dead last, everyone cheered more for me than the first!  Ok fine.  So maybe they were cheering because it was over but they cheered none-the-less.

Fast-forward to college, marriage, and 2 kids later.  I am a way better athlete now.  I run/go to the gym practically daily.  I've run miles and miles and pumped lots of iron, Arnold style.  I've kicked ass in boot camp.  I've out-crunched in Bosu.  I've side-crowed in yoga.  I mean seriously.  I made up for my 48-minute high school 5K's.  I've made up for being a junior on the JV soccer team.  Yeah, I said it.  So what?

But that's not the point.  I think, honestly, I've learned a lot from this supposed athleticism: it's more personal than team.  Seriously.  But more than that- it's not athleticism: it's the universal human experience.  I've always been afraid of competition.  Not because I'm not good at things.  I can run a pretty long and/or quick run.  I can do yoga all day.  I can do 50 push-ups in a row.  I can craft.  I can lead my neighborhood.  I can plan some killer events.  I can organize preschool functions.  (But enough about me.....).

It wasn't until I realized one solid fact that I have to hold on to and stand by in life: it's not about what others think.  As I ration it out, I was far more afraid of failure than competing.  If I just bit the bullet and succumbed to being last, it made it far less painful.  I had no expectations to meet- or miss.

Then I grew up.  And I realized it doesn't matter where I place.  Really, no one is watching me.  They are all focusing on themselves and how they can get ahead. AndI realized that the only person worth competing against was me.  I hate the pressure and anxiety of making someone else come in last just so I can come in first.  It honestly never has felt "right" to me.

Even so, people are going to walk all over you.  Believe me.  They are going to do what they can to get ahead, even if it means forgetting you even existed.  They are going to outrun, outsmart, outwit you. Not every time, but sometimes.  And you just have to be okay with it.  Through a couple of recent events, I've learned what I'm not going to do: I'm not going to place my need to win above my need to relate.  I'm not going to place more emphasis on getting ahead than getting it right.  And I'm certainly not going to let what others think of me- that I'm not qualified enough, don't have enough life experience, haven't done enough- define the reality of who I am.

I've taken my 48-minute 5K's and turned them into 26-minutes.  I've taken my inability to cut a straight line and embraced it as "art". I've taken having to grow up a bit more quickly than I would have liked and turned it into a thriving, community-driven, volunteer-badass, obstacle-clearing reality.  I just have to remember the only one I ever need to continue to be better than: myself.

Expectations

An odd time of night to write a blog, I know. Especially considering I am currently on an Etsy-listing frenzy. But I just can't get my day off my mind. I know everyone has bad days and it happens. But today could not go right for me and I felt it was mostly self-inflicted.

I won't get into specific details, but today was a day of missed expectations, mostly of those people had of me. I got up this morning, expecting to go to run at 6:30 and go to the gym at 9. Neither of those things happened, thanks to my little muffin who was up early and consequently napped early. And in a day filled with 24 hours, I found not 1 to use for the gym. Anyone who works out regularly knows what a pain in the ass it is to miss a day, especially when you're already geared up, sports bra and everything. I was hoping for a budget discussion/family meeting and, well, if you're married you know how fun that is. I might as well said "Hey Ryan, instead of coffee, why don't we sit and drink formaldehyde?"

And it just kept going down hill. There are days where I'm so jazzed to be around people that I make life-long friends at Trader Joe's. I'm not kidding. It happens. But then there are days that I want to close the blinds, lock the doors and forget the world exists. And it gets on my damn nerves. I hate to be so back and forth and seemingly inconsistent. That has been one of my biggest problems and annoyances about myself. I understand everyone is that way at times but I just feel so extreme about it. I either REALLY want to be around people or REALLY don't. There is no in between for me. The problem with this is that people in my life probably just don't know what to do.

I had a friend call with an emergency I neither had time nor energy to help with (though the desire was there), I had neighborhood kids come by asking to play games and pick tomatoes and I had no energy for that, my elderly next door neighbor called (for the millionth time this week) and I just had nothing to offer her and chose to ignore the call. Today was an "I swear if 1 more person calls I'm burning AT&T down" kind of days. I just couldn't do it. The kicker was when my grandmother called at 2:30 telling me she'd been waiting on me all day with tomato sandwiches and why didn't I just call to say I couldn't come. Damn my emotional energy or lack there-of.

Sometimes I allow people to put expectations on me: that I'm always available, that I'll always come to anyone's aide, that my house is open to visitors 24/7, that I'll come visit at anytime. And I put that expectation on myself and then some: I'll run at 6:30 and gym at 9, in spite of my 11 month old, I'll do a nutritional cleanse in spite of a pretty hefty love of carbs, I'll keep my house clean and my artistic endeavors caught up and I'll be there for anyone and everyone who may or may not need me and I'll have company for breakfast, lunch and dinner and I'll do it all with a smile.

As ideal as it may seem, that is all it is: ideal. As I'm finding out, I do not live in an "ideal" world, but a realistic one. Realistically, I am human. Realistically, I need a break. Realistically, I need rest. I cannot do it all and I cannot allow others to think that I am able to. It's a pride thing, I think, and not even meant to benefit the other person but my own ego. I want so badly to be dependable and level headed and peaceful and available... all the time. The problem is not the attributes I strive to attain but the absolutes I place behind them. "I will always be available." "I will always answer the phone." "I will always have my home open."

What I'm finding is that I'm just not intended to live that way. No one is. We need a break. We need some rest. We need to nap until 7pm (which is why I'm blogging at 2am, by the way). I can eat really well but dammit sometimes I need a chic-fa-la sandwich. The world of absolutes I've created for myself is not a productive one at all and is, in fact, quite miserable for both myself and those I've let go along with the Liz-delirium. I've got to make a change. I've got to stop pressuring myself. I've got to take a break and I've got to be okay with it and I've got to be assertive and assess my limitations. Thank God there are only 24 hours in a day because, in spite of my attempt to fill them all with fun-loving productivity, I would drive myself even crazier than I already am.

Here's to hoping and here's to change.

This mothering life

So my dear friend Jamie sent me this blog post this morning. She and I have been talking about money, work, children, marriage, households and our ties therein almost daily for over a year. I can hardly remember life before these things were an issue. If you don't read the blog, it's pretty much about being a wife, having babies, being broke, staying home, and trusting God. Honestly, I would rather just run away than think about ANY of those things in a positive light. And sometimes I do, to the detriment of everyone around me.

I cried when I read it. Why did I cry? I don't know. Maybe because I'm a terrible person. But that's a different story for a different day. I know it Proverbs 31 it says "She sees that her trading is profitable". I have thought about that verse and said "See? Women can work, heck, DO work in the Bible and it is not a bad thing." The 31 woman was wise, business-savvy and eager. I think the main thing to think about is exactly what that naptime mom said: You have to let your husband provide and you have to fulfill biblical roles (Liz Eagle). It is not whether or not you bring in income. Maybe you need to, maybe you don't. It's more about mindset. You have to trust your husband (Liz Eagle) to make the choices. Even if it sounds crazy, you have to CHOSE to do as he asks because he is, in fact, the leader. We talk about how they get to leave, they get to go, we get to stay, figure out childcare, do allllll the laundry, allllll the dishes, alllllll the sweeping, allllll the diaper changes no matter the time of day or night and all the responsibility inevitably falls on us.

But it kind of is our biblical role. Genesis 1-3 sets us up for it and if we want to live the way we SHOULD live, then we let go of all the things that we WANT and realize what we NEED and all we need is to trust God, and often trust him through our husbands. If we work or not, God put the children IN us, to hold and protect and arrange our lives around and just because they are in the "real world", that role does not go away. Not at 6am, 10am, 5pm, 2am. I should probably spend more time celebrating what I GET to do instead of what I HAVE to do.

This mothering life is not for the faint of heart. It is not all teething crackers and story time, like I thought it might be. Sometimes for me, it's a living nightmare. I can't seem to get anything cleaned up, cooked up, packed up, washed up, let alone get outside and play and run around with my kids. I HAVE to clean. I HAVE to rake. I HAVE to garden. I HAVE to sew. Have to, have to, have to. Let it go, Liz. Seriously. Enjoy it. Enjoy it in the good times, grow through the bad. Just grow. Just let it be positive. Let it be the way it was intended.

A few weeks ago, a person told me I was "self-righteous" in the things that I do. As I (a little too often and a little too annoyed) have thought on what she said, I cannot help but think how wrong that is. In fact, I feel it is quite the opposite. I am not righteous in any way. And sometimes, even complete strangers feel it. (Again, a different story, for a different day). I am a mess. Seriously. I don't know who this "self" of mine is and feel as thought I haven't for quite some time, but it certainly isn't anyone capable of being righteous in and of myself.

Being a wife, being a mother, and (if we're doing it correctly), being a human should make us forget about ourselves and dive in to remembering others. Remembering the little people that wake us up at all hours of the night. Remembering the husband who leaves to work, not because he WANTS to, but because it is his role in supplying his family with all the amazing things they're allowed. Remembering the husband who may feel pressured by the expectations not only of himself but that *gulp* we are putting on him but saying what we DON'T have or CAN'T do or how we WISH life was. It is our role to support. End of story. Help hold the family up. It would fall apart with out us and we can't fall apart in the process!

"She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come."

Satisfied

So, at the Free Store today, as I strolled in 7-10 minutes late with my kid, I caught some discussion about Jacob's relationship with God and Job's relationship with God. We had quite a few people sharing some struggles and others sharing goodness from God. It was quite to mix of characters this morning, let me tell you.

It was great to hear Paul bring up Job's sobering thought that "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away." Just this morning I had dialogued with God a bit about that thought. Everything is from God. The thought of things being given and/or taken away implies that we even have something-- gifts, and someone-- a giver. This Giver is the same yesterday, today, and forever, in spite of what has or has not been given or taken from us. It should be so apparent that our lives are more than what we posses at any given time.

But let's be realistic. Losing things sucks. Knowing God is beside us is nice and good, but that does not always make it feel better! One thing that always gets me is people talking about doing for others. "Do for others-- you'll feel better." "I always feel good when I help someone else." Well good for you. I feel good when I have 1 too many mimosas on a Sunday afternoon. What's your point here?

I was talking to my dad Sunday as we rode bikes around my neighborhood (I know. So damn cute.) about some of the random and ridiculously sized houses amidst so many other dilapidated ones. Dad said "I can tell you one thing, they're not building up more earth than they already had." In dad-world, that means "The earth was here way before we were and we cannot make there be more or less."

And how often times do I do that? I try to take control and fix when I feel I need more or overcompensate when I feel I need less. Who am I to say what I need? I mean, did I make me? God has given us this beautiful life and, whether he keeps giving or chooses to take, we must make an active choice to be satisfied, because really, what control do we have over it anyway?

American Glitter

What a day, what a day.

This morning, I went on a glorious walk through my neighborhood and the one adjoining. It was so beautiful. I had my little kiddos in the stroller (brought to you by craigslist, might I add) and just really took it all in. There's a bit of disconnect, though, from my neighborhood to the next. There, there are streets and streets of houses that tower over you, with their mod-art-deco styled porches and roofs with verandas and shiny new cars. The question was asked "What do these people do for a living and how can I get my husband on board?" It may have been half joking, but I wonder how serious the other half was.

I came home to a great conversation with my "trust-fund-friend" Devin. He comes from seriously a Porsche, 5-story-mansion, Clueless-esque pool family but I swear you would not know it. He borrowed his friend's mom's car to drive here from Lynchburg and dude seriously has the gnarliest neck beard I've ever seen. He had a lot to say for the "who has what" mentality. He said his parents always talked to and befriended anyone regardless of income level or car make. He said that growing up, they had so much money but no one ever knew because no one ever cared. But what stuck with me the most was his honesty. He said "I really just hate how we're just taught to buy all this stuff from cable tv to walmart. The last thing I bought myself was a pair of shoes. And I'll admit, sometimes I get that little 'American glitter' in my eye when I see something cool I want but then I think 'What's it going to really do for me? Do I even need it?' "

Remember my trip to Target the other night to buy chairs? Well, I almost spent $30 on a metal fold up table to go in between them. Somebody smack me. Seriously. I decided not to because I figured some thrift store somewhere would have them, anyway. And plus I'd broken the rule by even buying the damn chairs so I didn't want to get in deeper. While riding my bike tonight, well just what do you think I found? Why, a little ol' fold up table to go in between my sweetie pie chairs and it is currently outside, taking in it's fresh new coat of spray paint.

So here's how it all ties together: God will provide. Seriously. I know that's a stretch from those 3 paragraphs of seemingly separate thoughts. But with the houses, well, I gotta roof over my head. And the "American glitter" we get as our eyes gloss over when we see the newest cute dress in the window or a sweet new Mercedes or, hell, the new DIY magazine I wanted today at Food Lion. God is going to give us what we need and sometimes what we want. Did I need a table to go outside? No. But because of my faithfulness in not buying it (we won't talk about my lack thereof with the chairs. Oh, I already had a pair in the front yard and didn't need 2 more? Huh?), it was literally sitting on the side of the road, waiting on me. I honestly don't think God cared if I had a table or not. I think he just cared that I am aware that it all means nothing to him. He is so far beyond these "things" we spend our time with.

There's a story in the Bible where Jesus, when asked why he and his disciples don't pay taxes, catches a fish a pulls a coin out of it's mouth. Moral of the story? God is not limited to our system of exchange.

At yoga tonight, Ann walked us through frog pose.... for 5 minutes. If you know anything about this posture, you know it is seriously killer. The entire purpose of the pose is space. Space between your hips, your torso to the ground, your knees to your elbows... everything. As we stay in this posture, Ann begins to speak and says "Just when the pose starts to get difficult, that's when you know it's starting to work. You'll feel yourselves beginning to squirm, but just breath. With each breathe, focus on how far you've come and staying strong. It's about space. You can take it to your life outside these walls. The more you give up, the more space you have for things more important."

What are we holding on to? What will we just not let go of? What can we not give up? What is it that keep us frantically working towards more, more, more (only to find we enjoy it less, less, less)? If we can start letting go of things, including ideals of what will truly make us "happy", we can see how little we truly need but how blessed we are in having those things. We are more than what we own.

Perspective

Life is a lot bigger than we remember sometimes. Today was our last day studying Revelation at church. It has been fantastic. And concluding our 7-week study was amazing because it meant that we got to hear the end of the story, the part where we see what Jesus is really all about.

Dave brought up some of our "images" of Jesus, including his senior portrait. I mean, we can really create some Jesuses, can't we? There are so many seemingly different forms of Christianity to subscribe to. The truth is that we are the ones who have created these things. God is the same yesterday, today and forever, no matter how relavent or irrelevant we feel we are.

And we are just so blinded. Constantly, here in the great ol' US of A, all we see is limited! We see a few brands of cell phones, tvs, cars and heck, seeds! We are coerced in what to eat, wear, drink, drive. I mean, there are only 2 legit brands of soda. WE ARE SO LIMITED. We just do not see the big picture. We rush rush rush to buy buy buy. Jamie gave me a great book called "First Time Mom" and in the book, it talks about parents working not to get by but just to accumulate more possessions! Unbelievable. Ryan brought up a bumper sticker today that says "You aren't what you possess" but we really just think that's the end of it!

We are so blind. So, so, so blind.

And we do it to ourselves. We allow ourselves to give in to advertising propaganda, the systems of the world and our own insecurities! And at what cost? Or to what benefit? So you got some more shit. Big deal. And then what? In a few years, months or weeks you throw it out just to buy something else? Really? And that's what you're working for? Hell, it's what I'm working for?

Come on! We are more than this! We have meaning! We have worth! And it has NOTHING to do with this money that WE created! I mean, so you make $120,00 a year. Ok. So you make $12,00 a year. Is one more important? Or me. I stay home with kids. I have NO money to my own name. Where does that leave me? Jesus tells us that in the end, he will reward us for what we have done. Well. I wonder how great this reward will be when we find that all we've spent our lives doing is trying to spend more money.

Let. It. Go.

Move on! Pick up a new system of doing things! We are better than this. We are more than this! Could I be on a bigger soap box or yell any louder? We have got to change the way we think. Not to be a cheeseball but the things that matter are FREE. The Spirit tells us "Whoever is thirsty, let him come; and whoever wishes, let him take the free gift of the water of life." (Revelation 22:17)

I don't know about you, but I'm fucking thirsty.

My big commitment: Halfway there

I am just not very good at this! Perhaps I underestimated how incredibly time consuming it would be for this mother-of-2 to blog daily. I'll just blame it on the kids. They're too young to refute the blame just yet.

So day 16. This has been a long month for me. It has really been one of a lot of spiritual darkness fighting a blinding light. I will again be very honest with you. As we have come to realize, people don't love to talk about money. It's super personal. So, prepare to go there with me.

We got our tax return back. No kidding that it's the root of my problem. Ryan and I decided this year not to do anything big with it and to just keep it in the bank account. This is a big issue with me. Money just burns a little ol' hole in my pocket. So lining it up with not buying anything has been a challenge. And here's my honesty.

I really just enjoy a paycheck-to-paycheck life. There is no challenge for me there. If I don't have money, I don't spend it. Easy enough. We don't do credit cards. (Not because we wouldn't but because our credit sucks.) We normally do the Dave-Ramsey-envelope-thing and call it a day. When the "random" envelope is empty, it's empty. Hence the appeal of thrift shopping. But what happens to my do-gooder-don't-waste attitude when I have a pocket full of money and some time to kill? You fill in the blank.

Money may not change everyone but it certainly changes me. I always prayed that God would not give us money until we were responsible enough to handle it wisely. It is probably not ironic that this is the time he chose for me to not to buy things. I'm all well and good with self-control when there's nothing to control. But as soon as I'm given an option, I generally fold in under the pressure.

Jamie and I went to Target tonight. I needed patio chairs. Sue me. I'm sitting in one right now. As we went from section to section, gazing at all the things we HAD to have, she said something along the lines of me acting like shopping is my crack. Well.

I HATE the thought of shopping... when I have no currency with which to shop. I hate the thought of the Wal-Marts and Old Navys of the world sucking people in and convincing them they need so much pointless shit. It's easy to hate things that are inaccessible. I feel like such a hypocrite. I just hate money. I hate having it. I hate not having it. It is an ever-present thought in my mind. I really do obsess about it. We actually got our tax return mid-March. So I've been obsessing over it for quite some time now.

I am almost embarrassed to write all this but I felt I had to be honest with you. For those who see me at the Free Store, I feel like I owe it to you. I'm glad there are no expectations because if there were, I would have missed the mark completely. I did not realize that this was a legit struggle for me. I honestly thought it would just be some cute thing we did as a "fight the power" campaign. The only power I'm needing to fight is my insatiable hunger to possess.

Alright. Now that I emotionally vomited all over you yesterday, I can speak a bit more easily today. I have really just been so excited to write this blog today, which is a grave contrast from the past few days. I'm not sure where to begin or how to tie it all together, but let's just hop on down the rabbit trail of my stream of consciousness.

(Keep in mind I warned you of the blatant honesty of this blog. If I hurt your feelings: sorry.)

Let me tell you something Ryan said. I can do this because I know he probably will not be reading this. He hears me talk ALLLLLL day long. Do you really think he wants to get online and see what I have to say? Doubtful, bless his heart. Anyway, the other night Ryan and I got in to a rather heated discussion about the free store. (reference yesterday's blog concerning the hostility of our week) To his credit, he may have been playing more Devil's Advocate than anything. But his comment was a long the lines of this: "Something about the whole concept of a Free Store bothers me. I'm willing to give to people in need. Anyone. But those people don't have need. I see people come through there in a leather coat, picking up another leather coat and putting it on on top of their leather coat. In America, there is no reason for anyone to be homeless. There is government housing, shelters, churches, etc. Would I sit a shot down in front of an alcoholic and say 'here. Drink up.'? No. So why would I encourage this cycle of a false sense of need within these people?"

Well boy if that didn't ruin date night.

I was mad. I mean seriously mad. Like "get the bill I'm leaving" mad. I couldn't talk. Didn't want to talk. I felt betrayed. I mean, I spend a lot of my time, if I'm not at the Free Store, thinking about the Free Store and praying for the Free Store and planning events for the Free Store and so, by the way, you think it's all dumb? Really?

Ok, Liz. Take a deep breath because that wasn't the point, nor was that close to his point.

The point is our urgency to own. Everyone's urgency. At the Free Store (how many times can I say Free Store? It's almost like a Boondock Saints drinking game) we used to have a policy of a 4-items-per-person-per-day. Great idea. That gives us some control! Well, Paul decided that was not working for a few reasons. If it's free, you can't steal, therefore, by principle, you cannot be limited. Also, sometimes we've got a lot of crap and need more room to put a lot more crap. So clean it out! Take it! But I think the biggest reason was the Free Store's (go on. down another shot) philosophy is "Give what you want, take what you need". It's the need aspect that bothered Ryan so much. And when I got to thinking about it, it really started to bother me, too.

So today, I almost walked into the Free Store disgusted. I was looking around at who all would probably nonchalantly ask me for money, like I have any, who would eat all the cookies and stuff some in their purse for later, and who would take all the time up in Bible Study talking about themselves. Good thing I sat in the back because I feel I even looked to part of annoyed.

As our friend Gary was speaking, I began to ask God for compassion. And a lot of it. Jesus always saw people with compassion, no matter the circumstance. I felt I was in need of that today. And God gave it to me. Before I left, I was able to have an amazing conversation with a woman and dear friend who's husband had just passed. God slowed me down enough to listen to her. I was then able to have a conversation with another person (who happened to be one whom I'd tried to avoid, truth be told) about very intense difficulties growing up and how he's affected now. If that's not God working, I don't know what is.

On the way home, I tried to piece it all together (which I had to do in a hurry because I only live 10 blocks away). Ryan brought up some valid points. Whether it's free or not, we're still enabling people to consume (which is where my comment came from yesterday). But what people do with a free gift is between them and God. I just have to be willing to give.

If you have a problem with people taking, it's probably because you are holding something back. I realized today that I have grown to do that. The idea of the Free Store appears romantic. It appears countercultural, which I'm all about. It seems like, as a woman once described it, "an anarchy store". But as you get down and dirty, you realize that it's a family. And that is not always pretty. The more I got involved, the more I kept my distance from close relationships with people. Again, I didn't want to be taken advantage of.

The Free Store is a relational space that exists to give things away, only so people will show up. It's true. People are looking for a handout and buddy we're givin' it. But that's not the point. We want people to show up so we can get to know them. When you start being able to give materially, you eventually are able to give emotionally, and often times more than you thought possible.

So maybe we are enabling. Maybe we are feeding an addiction. But who are we to say what people need? God has called us to give out of the abundance he has given us. If that involves our possessions, so be it. If it involves conversation or a listening ear, great. We have GOT to learn to be consumed not with the things we can see, but the things we can't see. And sometimes it takes getting down and dirty with others. But mostly, within ourselves.

"Freely you have received, freely give."

*Note: Ryan and I have since gotten over our argument, hugged, and have gone to the zoo. We are, currently, on speaking terms.*

This Journey I'm On

I think I'm about 4-ish days behind on the adventure in anti-consumerism. I have not been 100% at blogging because I have felt HORRIBLY for the past few days. Sinus gunk and allergies on top of still-not-sleeping 7-month-old make for a TERRIBLE recovery. But alas, tonight, I feel better, both kids are sleeping and I got a chocolate milk and some cookies. I'm ready to blog, my friends.

So, now that we've gotten through the pretty introduction I can be real with you: This has really sucked. Even now as I'm writing, I almost wish I weren't and can think of a ton of other things I could/should be doing. But I know I need to share my experiences and be true to all the jazz that's been going on.

I feel like I had no idea what I was getting myself into. It is incredibly emotionally draining to sit down daily and think through all the choices you are making and your motivations involved. Mindfulness is not a simple task. It is not a faint-hearted task. As I have previously discovered and stated, I've learned that this is not about "consumerism" and "sticking it to the man" like me and my anti-establishment self intended it to be. No, instead it has been a spiritual journey, like God and his patient and thoughtful self intended it to be.

I never prayed about this. I jumped straight in. March 31st I thought "Crap. Paul and I talked about this. I better put something on facebook so I look productive." So this, plus a few other things, is what I quickly came up with. (Emphasis on the I.) I continued for a few days to ignore God and what he was saying. And that's about when the battle began. It started with me figuring out that I have been fighting the wrong battles and that I'm my own white horse and distraction. Last Sunday, I sang whole-heartedly and prayerfully the song "Fire fall down", boldly asking God to do just that. The premis of the song being a prayer, asking God to send fire to refine us, as gold is refined, all the impurities burned away.

I clearly have a lot of those.

This past week has been hell. Seriously. I never get sick. And I'm not sure how these things work exactly, but I'm pretty sure it's in some way spiritual. I.am.just.sick. In general. In emotion. In spirit. Today is the first day I've felt "normal" since then. I'll not air my dirty laundry, but Ryan and I have had a pretty crappy week. I've not had energy or drive to parent. I haven't wanted to leave the house. It's just been hard.

My issue with consumerism is that I want to consume everything that is around me. Ryan works daily at 3. So I want to consume all the time we have up until that point. We have money in the bank, I want to consume it all until there is none left. We have cookies or (my favorite) coffee cake in the house and I want to consume it all at once. (Seriously. I do that.)

I have a hard time living in excess so I excessively try to take in everything. My time, my relationships, my resources. I spend all that I have: time, money, energy. I run until I

run dry. This is just not what God has for me. He intended my for much more than this.

I'm learning a lot about myself. A lot that I would, in fact, have been okay with not knowing. But that is the beauty of following God and learning that we have to give everything to him. He wants to consume us. It is not about what we consume, how we consume or if we enable others to consume. It's about our lives, our wants, our relationships, our health, our needs being consumed by God. When he is all-consuming to us, we realize how little we truly need to consume.

Is it May yet?

Eek! I forgot to post AGAIN today! My current purchasing history:

I worried about Easter because Lord knows he won't accept you at communion unless your kids've gots some shiny new digs Easter Sunday. Solution? AMAZING matching (get this) sailor outfits from Kid to Kid consignment on Park Road. My main reason in going was to get "new" pajamas for Adalai's pajama party this Saturday. AND I'll have you know, everything I've purchased for this party has been secondhand. (Except the food, of course. I may be frowned upon for that.)

And a side note: while leaving the park today, I saw a billboard that said "SAVE THE DATE! May 21, 2011. End of the world. wecanknow.org." At which, I laughed. Because, really? But it DID serve as a reminder that there is no reason to horde up junk. We can't take it with us. Our good friend from the Free Store quotes his grandmother in saying "I never saw a hearse pulling a U-Haul."

Anywhy, I think I actually may have a LOT to say tonight but I have so much to do to prep for said party. (I mean the pajama party. Not the apocalypse.)

Only to stay true to my word, I'm blogging today. Didn't buy anything. Didn't care to. But I did have a really good class of chocolate milk just now. And I'm going to bed. Because I'm sick.

And no, Paul Fisher. I'm not really sick because I can't buy anything. Sheesh. :)

Day Five

Ok, follow me here. I'm not sure what this has to do with consumerism, but I think there is a general theme. (Again, I may or may not look like a jerk after you read this. So if you want to keep liking me, assuming that you already do, catch me back tomorrow and forget this post ever existed.)

Three similari-ish things have happened to me in the course of a few days. I had a hard time putting it all together until my sweet friend Lisa and I had a little talk.

1-I found a killer empty spot at the balcony at Amos' on Sunday night. Some (super rude and old) guy comes up and asks me if he can have his spot back. I promptly tell him no and explain to him just why I would not move. We had, in fact, paid the same ticket price for the general admission show and, considering this is not 3rd grade and he did not "call the balcony", I chose to stay right where I was, nestled up to said rude man for 2-ish hours.

2-In our lease agreement, we are not responsible for our yard until our landlord provides us with a building for our lawn equipment. Our yard is currently a disaster. Long story short, I can't pin down a time with her when someone will come here to clean this disaster up so my children can play in our back yard (which is, in fact, included in our rent). Oh, and I paid some kid $40 to do it and he never showed back up. (Stupidstupidstupid!)

3-An unnamed individual has an unpaid bill from over a year ago in MY name, which is now in collections, which I received in the mail Monday and said individual REFUSES to answer any type of correspondence. The list goes on with this person but I will stop at that for my emotions' sake.

Oh wait. I mean 4.

4-Last Thursday, Ryan called as he was taking Thing 1 to preschool and asked if I'd recently gone through my glove box. I said "no". He then asked if I'd left my passenger door open the night previous. I said "no". Oh. So. You mean that as I'm crafting to my little heart's content and hanging out with my kids as my husband works, some a-hole is going through my car in an attempt to take things from me? Really? REALLY? (No, mom, I know you are reading this. I do not live in a bad neighborhood)

I have been stewing like pot roast about all of these issues. I've felt lately like I am just tired of being taken advantage of and being walked all over. I mean , I do a lot. I raise kids. I do stuff for the community. I keep a pretty stellar house. I do not deserve any of this stuff to be happening to me! It is irritating and gets on my nerves! But after the first few things happened, I began to realize that it probably wasn't by accident.

As I talked it out with Lisa, I began to see that these things had one thing in common: money. "I PAID the same amount of a ticket." "I PAY rent and deserve a good yard to show for it (especially because it's in the lease)." "I OWE money because of some inconsiderate guy we tried to help out." "A guy went through my stuff looking, probably, for MONEY to steal."(He found none, mind you.) And fancy that. All with this anti-consumerism deal going on.

I'm continuing to grow into this process and see where I'm headed. These issues with money seem to have a lot to do with trust and communication. I've felt betrayed in some cases and disrespected in others. But this is not about the things I can see. This goes beyond that to something far less tangible and much more difficult to grasp.

I don't trust God to take care of my needs. I say I do. I "let go and let God", if you will. But when it comes to things like this, I'm holdin' on for dear life. I'm gonna get what I'm entitled to, end of story. You will respect me. You will give me what you say you will. You will pay me the money you owe me. You will get your hands off my stuff.

But God doesn't always work that way. It is up to me to choose. I can act out of love or fear. I can chose to let God be in control of all these people whom I feel have wronged me to some degree or I can completely wear myself out trying to take control of it all. I have times in my life where I will verbatim think "I am just really out of control right now." Maybe if I would let God have the role of control in my life, like I say I let Him, then I would feel this way far less frequently.

I have to trust I'm being taught something through all this. I have to trust God is in control of what's happening. Growing up, my mom and dad used to tell me "Let so-n-so take care of so-n-so, you take care of you." I did not realize how much of a theme this would be in my life. I am not responsible for other people's decisions but I am responsible for my response to it.

So on day 5 of this conscious effort to find a new relationship with money, I'm finding that my relationship with God needs to grow in the area of trust. I need to rid myself of the burden of trying to get everything in line and in order: monetarily or otherwise. Only 25 more days to go, but I feel this is a lifelong journey.

update

I don't have a lot to say today, so I'll just update because i said I would.

Day 4.
Slept most of the day. It's amazing how few things you need when you sleep the day away.
This honestly gets easier as the days go by.

I underestimated my greed and neediness. I thought I'd grown beyond this but maybe it was just on the surface. I'm glad (or really hate) to be able to get to the bottom of this.

Maybe something more interesting will happen tomorrow!

My White Horse

Day 3.

It's Sunday and it's a darn good thing. I headed off to church today, to learn a bit more about what Dave had to say about Revelation. We worked through chapters 6-8 and it was a bit more than I anticipated. I've really been enjoying this book and was excited to learn some more this morning.

Chapter 6 begins by talking about a White Horse. Now to be honest, I always thought this White Horse meant Jesus. (Go read it. I don't have the emotional energy to get into it right now). But we went with the assumption that this White Horse means a deceiver, someone posing as Jesus.

We continued on through 3 chapters, total, yet I was fixated on the first 2 verses we discussed.

I'm deceived.

I live in a world of deception.

I have been SO mad this whole time at consumerism. At our culture. At American Society. What I'm learning is that that is not the problem: I am. I got to thinking about all the things I wanted. What I mostly wanted was some clothes. Maybe a new dress or a pair of jeans or something. (Follow me here). A nice new outfit to cover the nakedness I would be without it. The point being I am not okay with being stripped down to only me.

I want to run out and grab a new outfit, just to feel good about myself. Had too much to eat this weekend? Grab a new shirt. You'll feel better. Feeling like you haven't lost all your baby weight? Grab a new pair of jeans. You'll feel better.

This consumerism thing. The thing I'm fighting. It's not about anybody else. It's about me. I'm my own white horse. I'm deceiving myself into thinking I'm not good enough. What's worse is that I'm convincing myself that buying things will make me feel better. Will make me appear better.

So that's where I am today. Beginning to see (though I think I already knew) that at this point, consumerism isn't the problem: it's my response to it. I give it. I buy into the "you need it" philosophy of life. Until I get beyond that, nothing in my life will change. I need to learn to be okay with me and stop covering it with a new outfit or a new possession. I'm more than that and my purpose goes beyond it.

It seems this consumerism idea is consuming me.